


The Exchange

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Bodyswap, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-23 19:21:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 80,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4888966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warren made another laser gun that had some unintentional results, in turn causing Xander, Buffy and Willow to fully understand the old saying ‘walking in somebody else’s shoes’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1/ This happened right after ‘Normal Again’ and the wedding that never happened.  
> 2/ Anya gave Buffy the keys to the Magic Box before she left Sunnydale to never return again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Xander moaned as he felt a sharp pain jolting throughout his body. He refused to open his eyes on the basis that every time he did that in a similar situation in the past, the pain became more pronounced and real.   
  
In the midst of all the pain, he remembered the night’s events. He, Buffy and Willow had gone out on patrol near the cemetery. They had come across the Trio Geeks and before they could react, Warren had shot them with some strange looking laser gun…   
  
"Xander?"   
  
Reluctantly slow, he opened his eyes to meet Willow's worried ones. "Are you OK?" she asked.   
  
He managed a weak smile. "I'm OK, Will. What about you?"   
  
He didn't miss the troubled look on her face. "Well, I'm fine… but I'm not Willow."   
  
Xander frowned. He focused on her face, and was sure he wasn't mistaken. The redhead in front of him was without a doubt his childhood friend.   
  
"You  _are_  too Willow."   
  
"No, I'm not," she insisted.   
  
Xander’s brow furrowed. "If you're not Willow then who are you, and where is she?"   
  
"Uh … hey, Xander."   
  
He turned his head towards the familiar voice. His eyes widened. He saw someone looking exactly like himself wearing a goofy smile and waving his hand at him.   
  
"Wha... what? How? What's the …?"   
  
He shut his mouth quickly, placing his hand on his throat. He had just realized his voice sounded odd, a little too high. He looked down, and gasped with utter horror.   
  
Boobs?   
  
The version of himself approached, all concerned. "It's OK, Xander. Everything is gonna be…"   
  
Xander snapped his head up, interrupting. "What are you doing in my body? And why do I sound like Buffy?"   
  
"Xander, it’s okay …"   
  
"I have boobs!" he exclaimed in terror, placing one hand on each boob.   
  
The redhead scowled. "Hey, take your hands off my breasts!" she bitched, shoving his hands away from his new boobs.   
  
The Xander version sighed. "OK, this may sound weird, Xander, but I'm Willow and …" she pointed at the redhead, "this is Buffy."   
  
"H… how?"   
  
"Remember when Warren shot us with that laser?" Xander nodded. "Well, it made us exchange bodies. And that’s impossible to do without some kind of magic involved, by the way. Therefore, me, Willow, in your body, Buffy is in my body and you, Xander, in Buffy's body. Which I completely doubt is what he was after. I’m assuming that he wanted something else altogether. I’m sure it wasn’t invisibility since we all saw how that turned out, with Buffy almost disintegrating into nothingness and everything..."   
  
“Willow!” Xander interrupted the scary rambling.   
  
“Do you think the melting into nothingness could happen to us now?” Buffy asked, worried.   
  
“Oh, I don’t think so,” Willow waved her hand dismissing that. “In that situation you were removed partially from this plane of existence, now we are removed from our bodies but we exist in another. So there’s no fear of us going poof,” she clarified.   
  
Xander was following proceedings from the safety of the ground. But now when the former redhead explained that it was fairly secure, he slowly stood up and looked down at his  _new_  body.  
  
 _Oh, yeah, this is definitely Buffy's body._    
  
He took in the blond locks hanging off his temple then looked up at Buffy and Willow. It was weird being the shortest.   
  
"So … um, what should we do right now?" he asked nonchalantly.   
  
"Right now we go looking for Warren and the others and make them fix this," Buffy spoke firmly.   
  
The me-slayer look was a bit weird on Willow's face. Xander raised an eyebrow at that thought.  _Cool. I can raise an eyebrow now._  
  
Willow looked unsure about Buffy's decision. "I don't know, Buffy. I'm kinda tired and…"  
  
"And what?" Buffy cut her off. "You want us all to walk home looking like this? I say we go look for them now."   
  
Willow looked down. "But we don't know where they are and I'm… really tired, but if you …"   
  
Buffy looked a bit guilty, she knew Willow had been weak and that she was tiring quickly after going cold-turkey with magic. "Okay, Will, we're gonna rest tonight, but tomorrow we'll find a solution for this." Willow nodded her head in agreement.   
  
"What about the others?" Xander asked. "Should we tell them?"   
  
Buffy thought about it. "Well, Dawn has been neglecting her school with her skipping it and spending her time shoplifting," she said bitterly. “So telling her is out, she has examinations all week and she needs to concentrate.”   
  
"And I put Tara through so much this year. She doesn't need to deal with this," Willow said sadly.   
  
Xander patted her arm.  _This is so weird! It's like comforting myself._  
  
Buffy stood straight with her arms crossed. "That's right, this is our problem. The three of us, we fix it ourselves."   
  
 _Look at me all resolve face and everything!_  Willow mentally giggled, then frowned. "Only one problem," she said as she turned her attention to Buffy. "Do you remember when you exchanged bodies with Faith? Tara noticed there was something wrong with your aura,” the now male Willow pointed out.   
  
Xander turned to Buffy. "Geez, Buff, what are you going to do?"   
  
Buffy looked at him, confused. "Why are you asking me?"   
  
"'Cause you're Willow now, and you’re gonna cross paths with Tara on campus."   
  
Buffy smacked her cheek.  _Oh, poor Will's face,_  Xander thought compassionately.   
  
"Yeah right." She looked at Willow pleadingly. “Do I have to go…?” Willow gave her a look that clearly said ‘don’t dare think of skipping classes!’ Buffy sighed. "OK, I'll avoid her, but not … avoid her in an – I don't wanna talk to you – way but more like – I have class – way, you know," she reassured an apprehensive Willow.  _Wow, the blab is all Willow._  Buffy breathed.   
  
Willow nodded. "OK, off to home now?"   
  
"Yes, me and Xander are going home and you go to Xander's apartment. Do you want us to walk you?"   
  
Willow smiled sweetly, putting her hands on her hips. "I'm not that weak, Buffy Summers. I can go to Xander’s apartment by myself." She raised her chin. "No biggie."   
  
Xander stared at her in fear.  _She's turning me into the butch version of Paris Hilton!_  "Uh … Wills, try not to let one of my neighbors see you, OK?"   
  
"Why?" She asked, confused.   
  
"Bah… because …"   
  
Buffy must have noticed Willow's odd behavior with Xander's body, so she came to his aid. "'Cause they might suspect something and get him evicted."   
  
"Oh, OK.” She agreed, and then she remembered something, “But what about Dawn? She might suspect too."   
  
"Well, Dawn knows about the weirdness in the life of Sunnydale, so it's no big deal if she finds out."   
  
"Oh, OK then. Bye guys. See ya tomorrow at the Magic Box."   
  
The three friends exchanged their goodbyes before everyone headed home.   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Willow Rosenberg walked the streets of Sunnydale to Xander's apartment. She didn't know why her steps felt a little heavier. She knew that Xander's body was way bigger than hers, but why did she have to feel so… weighty? Also, the feeling of that… uhm, thing between her thighs was driving her crazy.   
  
How could guys stand this?   
  
Finally, she reached the apartment door. She searched for the keys in her pockets, and it took her few minutes to find the correct one. She entered the apartment, and then turned on the lights.   
  
The apartment was a total mess. Bottles of beer were everywhere, along with junk food bags and old pizza boxes. Country music tapes were all over the stereo and some of the furniture wasn't in place.   
  
She took one of the beer bottles and stared at it sadly. She knew that Xander was hurting over Anya, and for once, he wasn't trying to hide it from them.   
  
Her fingers held on tightly to the bottle, feeling angry with herself. She was supposed to be playing the best friend part, trying to make Xander feel better - but with her trying to get her relationship with Tara back on track, she hadn't even noticed that he was hurting. Instead, she had even contemplated resenting him for leaving his bride at the altar.   
  
Sighing, she started cleaning the mess. She didn’t understand why Xander had left Anya on their wedding day. It was obvious he loved Anya, so why did he hurt her? She knew her friend well enough to know that he would never leave Anya at the altar just because he got cold feet.   
  
She cleaned up all the discarded bottles and junk food, but she was too tired to tidy up the furniture. Moreover, she was stinky.   
  
 _Oh God!_  Her eyes widened in horror.  _I’m gonna take a shower in a guy’s body! In Xander’s guy body! With all his guy parts and … oh no, oh no, that’s..._  She felt herself blushing hard all over.  
  
  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
Xander Harris and Buffy Summers entered the Summers’ residence after a long walk. They both noticed that the lights were on in Dawn’s room. Closing the door, Buffy turned to Xander. “Xander, could you please check on Dawn before going to bed?”   
  
“Why is she still up?”   
  
“She has an exam tomorrow. Please ask her if she studied well and if she needs anything to eat or drink and…”   
  
Xander smiled. “If you’re worried about her, why won’t you come with me?”   
  
“No!” Buffy shook her head. “Willow always goes to her room to take a shower after patrolling. I can’t just show up in her room with you, she’ll be all suspect-y.”   
  
Xander nodded his head in amazement, and headed for the stairs. He felt Buffy’s hand on his arm, and turned to face her. “Can you tell me how she is afterwards?” she asked softly.   
  
He smiled. “Yeah, sure.”   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Xander knocked on Dawn's door, before hearing the "Come in" as he entered. Dawn was cleaning up her desk. Probably done studying.  
  
Dawn turned to face him with a smile. "Hi, Buffy."   
  
He waved. "Hey there, Dawnster," he said without thinking.   
  
"Dawnster?" Dawn sounded confused.   
  
"Uh… I meant Dawn."  
  
Dawn chuckled turning her attention to her desk. "You're hanging way too much with Xander."   
  
He tried to imitate Buffy's pouty lips. "Is that a bad thing?"   
  
"No, of course not," she said indignant. Then she asked. "How is he?"   
  
Xander knew she was asking about him and Anya. "Xander is fine, Dawnie," he said softly.   
  
"No, he's not!" She looked at him. "He's hurting, and he totally isn't over the thing between him and Anya yet. He needs his friends right now, Buffy. We should all be there for him. We should not let him deal with this alone."   
  
Xander smiled. He was touched, and a 'thank you, Dawn' was about to slip out but he caught it and replaced it with "Sure, Dawn."   
  
Dawn was checking if she had everything she needs for tomorrow in her bag, before closing it. "Things are gonna change around here, right?"   
  
"Why is that?"   
  
"I mean with Anya leaving and never coming back."   
  
Xander felt the emotion spread over him. He had a strange urge to cry. He had always been able to hold it well before, so why couldn't he control it now? Maybe that was due to being in a girl's body. Hormones and all. "Why do you say that?" he asked in a very low voice.   
  
"Because she said so and gave you the keys to the Magic Box, remember?"   
  
Yes, Xander remembered. Buffy had told him about Anya's visit after the wedding that didn't happen. She had told him about Anya giving her the keys to the store – which she loved - before leaving. It still hurt to hear about it, though.   
  
Dawn put her bag next to the bed. "It's weird, you know, not having her around. I liked hanging out with her. She was so funny. She used to tell me these great stories and we used to spend time drawing when there weren’t any customers around to give her money. She used to sketch really well,” she said as she began to undress.   
  
Xander's head snapped up from his sad memories. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.   
  
She looked at him, confused, fingers half way through her buttons. "Changing into my pajamas."   
  
"But I'm still here!"   
  
"So?" Dawn appeared confused to his reaction. This was an awkward situation. How would he handle it?   
  
"You're taking your clothes off in front of me!"   
  
"So what? We're sisters. We do this all the time."   
  
 _They do?_  "That was… when you were a kid, now you're not."   
  
Dawn grinned widely. "Really? You finally noticed!"   
  
"Of course I did.” Xander mentally sighed in relief. “From now on you don't change your clothes in front of anyone, including me, because… you're a woman now," he finished lamely but firmly.   
  
"Cool!" An excited Dawn jumped.   
  
"Okay, I'm going to bed now." He kissed her cheek. "Good night."   
  
"Good night."   
  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Buffy burst into a gale of laughter after hearing ‘the Dawn taking off her clothes’ incident. She rolled around over Willow's bed, hugging herself, while an angry Xander stood in front of her, his arms crossed. "That's so not funny!" He grimaced.   
  
"Yes, it is." She wiped away the tears that streamed out of her eyes, but couldn't stop laughing.   
  
Xander snorted then started laughing himself. "Since you're gonna spend the whole night laughing, I'm off to bed."   
  
"Wait." She stood up, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for checking on her," she said sincerely.   
  
"No probs, Buff. Good night."   
  
"G’night." She closed the door after him, and then suddenly she started chuckling again. She pictured an uncomfortable Xander with a confused Dawn. Too bad she missed that.  
  
She threw herself on the bed, which had once belonged to her mother. Life had been hard since her mother died and it had become harder after Giles left. She still couldn’t believe he had actually left them. She couldn't understand why everything was so messed up for her and her friends. Everyone started screwing up. Things would have been better if he were here.   
  
Sighing, she stood up and saw her face in the mirror. She shuddered when she saw Willow's face instead of her own.  _Boy, I'm still not used to this._ Well, she had it better than the others. At least she was in a girl's body. She thanked the many gods she knew – including Glory - that she hadn't ended up in Xander's body.  _I wonder how's Willow dealing?_    
  
Looking at the various college books stacked on the dresser, she groaned. "Great! I have school tomorrow."   
  
She began thinking about the horror that was studying, when another problem came to mind. Tara. What would happen if she saw her? There was the chance that she would find out that there was something wrong about her. That she was not really Willow, just like she had noticed the switch with Faith two years ago. But what would happen if she didn’t?   
  
Would she make advances toward her? Buffy had come to accept Willow being all-gay with Tara, she was open minded after all. But there was a difference between Willow and Tara getting it on and Tara and Buffy-in-Willow-body getting it on. God, what if Tara and Willow had already made up? Or were in the process of making up, oh, no, that was even worse. What if unintentionally she ruined any chances of them getting back together? She loved both Willow and Tara and she loved seeing them together. They made each other happy.   
  
Buffy remembered how Tara had tried to help her with the whole mess between her and Spike. She owed her. She nodded her head sternly. She would do whatever she could to bring them back together. But what if they had to kiss?! Ok, she could be mature about this… yes, she could kiss Tara. It would be worth it… oh, but not an open mouth kiss.  _Eeeek French kissing Tara!_  She unconsciously wiped her mouth.  _Sleep on it… yes, Willow’s body needs sleep for learning tomorrow… God! Studying!_  Buffy groaned as she lay down on the bed.   
  
Suddenly, she remembered that Xander was stuck in her body. Xander was going to take a shower,  _in my body._  She covered her head with a pillow and tried not to think about that.  _I’m so not gonna sleep tonight._  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Xander was blushing hard standing in the bathroom.  _I’m in the bathroom. What to do next?_  He was thinking hard, and then mentally slapped himself.  _Take clothes off first... idiot._  He saw Buffy’s face in the mirror. Yeah, right the mirror. Couldn't watch Buffy’s body naked. The blushing was even more evident. Well, years ago he would have gone yay but now it was a little too wrong.   
  
There was still the mirror problem. Looking nervously around in the bathroom, he then saw some towels, took one of them, and covered the mirror. Smiling with satisfaction, he looked down at Buffy’s clothes.  _Ok, thank God, pants, I can deal with pants._  His hands worked on the zipper before he slid the jeans down Buffy’s thighs. In all this, he kept his eyes averted, looking at the ceiling.  _Hmm the girls need to clean the tiles and some of them are kinda loose. I need to do something about that._    
  
Ok, done with the pants… panties? No!! That could wait… blouse, yes that was nice and safe. He started taking off the pink blouse. In all the colors he had worn, he never thought he would be wearing baby pink. Buffy’s breasts looked smaller in the blouse… now they were in this small, very tight, bra. This was easy. He had taken a lot of bras off before; well, off Anya, how hard could it be to take it off himself?   
  
Pretty hard! He spent fifteen minutes trying to do just that. He actually began spinning around like some puppy chasing his own tail. That was, until he found out that the clasp was on the front. Panties, with closed eyes, came next. The rest came naturally. He opened the shower until it reached a comfortably warm temperature, and then he got in. He frowned noticing the many hair and body products. He had seen some of them when Anya had lived with him, he remembered bitterly.   
  
So he took one of the scented shampoos and applied it to his hair. He began rubbing it but needed to apply more when he didn’t get enough foam.  _I knew there was a reason I cut my hair!_    
  
After that came the body soap. He then realized, surprised, that he wasn’t turned on being in a girl’s  _-Buffy’s!-_  body, even with the bathing and with all the touching. He shook his head thinking that it didn’t really matter. Perhaps it was that he was in  _the_ body or that it was Buffy. He mused on that while he was drying up. He got out of the bathroom and started towards Buffy’s room.  _I hope Will is handling this better than I am._  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

Dawn woke up the next morning to the sound of her alarm clock ringing. Slamming it off, she yawned and started stretching. One look at her bag made her groan. She had an exam today.   
  
She stood up and headed to the door. Outside her room, she saw Willow getting out from the bathroom. "Good morning, Dawn."   
  
Dawn yawned. "Good morning, Willow."   
  
She heard Buffy's door open. She was about to turn and say "good morning", but the death look on Willow's face stopped her.   
  
"You are SO not going out in my... this body wearing that!" Willow snarled at Buffy.   
  
Dawn raised an eyebrow at Willow's strange behavior then looked at Buffy. Both her eyebrows snapped up in astonishment at the sight of her sister. Buffy was wearing a very bright green blouse with a red sweater and brown pants!   
  
Willow shooed Buffy into her room, "Inside, NOW!" she yelled getting Buffy out of the hallway hurriedly.   
  
Dawn was still standing, hand on the bathroom doorknob, looking stunned. That was so weird! Willow was snarling at Buffy? Willow was about to give Buffy a fashion lesson? And what the hell happened to Buffy's taste?   
  
There surely was something weird going on, and they weren't telling her what it was. Well, she was going to find out whether they liked it or not. She raised her chin in defiance.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
In Xander's apartment, Willow stood in front of the mirror looking at Xander's reflection. She touched the cuts on her cheek lightly.  _I'm sorry, Xander,_  she thought guiltily.  _If I'd known that shaving was gonna be so hard I would've let you grow a beard._    
  
She froze at the violent pounding on the door. Who could that be?   
  
The pounding was back again. "Open the door, you piece of shit!" someone roared from outside.   
  
Willow quivered at the sound. That was Xander's father, Anthony Harris. She shuddered remembering how much that man scared her whenever she, Xander and Jesse saw him. He had never hurt them, but the sight of him drinking and looking at her with his red-rimmed eyes had always frightened her. He would fix Xander with cold eyes, slurring, "Get me a beer, boy." And Xander would obey without saying a word.   
  
She and Jesse had asked Xander many times if his father ever hurt him. He had always flashed them one of his grins and said that his dad yelled at him but never raised a hand to him. She hoped that Xander had been telling the truth.   
  
"I know you're in there you worthless fuck, your car is still parked outside!" Mr. Harris hollered.   
  
That shook her out of her thoughts. She had to open the door. She shuddered at that thought especially since she was Xander now. At the wedding, she had avoided meeting Mr. Harris, letting Slayer Buffy handle him, but now there was no escape.   
  
She clumped towards the door. Taking a shaky breath, she opened the door to face one still scary Tony Harris. She tried her best not to tremble and smiled goofily, "H...hi, dad."   
  
Mr. Harris stretched his lips with disgust. "I came for the money," he slurred.   
  
Willow swallowed the lump in her throat, "W...what money?"   
  
"The money I spent on that disaster you called a wedding. You humiliated me and disgraced the family's name with your idiotic act. Can't even marry a stupid woman..."   
  
As Xander's father went on with his insulting words, Willow gritted her teeth angrily. How dare he say those horrible things to his own son? Couldn't he see that he was hurting his feelings? Then again that was Xander's father she was talking about here. Buffy had told her how he had insulted his wife at the wedding in front of everyone. Willow was glad that Xander hadn't been there to see that. She wanted to slap the old man for all he had done, regardless of her fear of him.   
  
But Mr. Harris was right. He should get his money back. After all, Xander had ruined the wedding.   
  
She cut the man off, "OK, I'll give you your money tomorrow."   
  
"Why tomorrow?" he roared.   
  
"Because I don't have it now. I'll go by the bank today and get you the money."   
  
"If I don't get my money tomorrow, I'll..."   
  
"No, no I'll give it to you tomorrow. I swear."   
  
"You better."   
  
Willow looked at him nervously. "Now if you excuse me, I gotta go to work."   
  
"Yeah, I have to go to work, too."   
  
 _Yeah right, you mean go to drink some more,_  Willow thought in sarcasm.   
  
She watched Mr. Harris leave, leaning on the wall at one point when his feet couldn't hold him upright, then she gave a heavy sigh of relief. She thought about the money she would get.   
  
No word to Xander about this, he had enough to deal with.   
  
She wished she could pay Xander's father with her money but she knew that weddings cost more than she could pay. Sighing sadly, she went to gather her stuff and headed off to the construction site.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander opened up the Magic Box with the keys Buffy had given him. He entered the shop feeling really uncomfortable. The blouse and pants that Buffy had forced him to wear were so tight, he could barely walk in them   
  
Why did women do this to themselves? Besides, it wasn’t like his choice of clothing was that bad!   
  
He looked around at the quiet shop. He had had an image in his mind all morning that he was going see Anya behind the counter and Giles looking through the books, like they used to do. Sadly, it was just him in the old shop. He wandered around the place thinking bitter thoughts about Anya, who had left because of him and Giles, who had left because...he didn't know why Giles had left.   
  
He hadn't heard anything about or from Giles since he had left. It was like he didn't exist anymore. Xander had taken his phone number from Buffy a month ago to invite him to his wedding. Giles didn't return to his call nor come to the wedding. It hurt that Giles hadn't shown up on, what was supposed to be, the happiest day of his life, until Xander ruined everything, of course.  
  
He knew Giles looked at Buffy, Willow and him like they were his own children. It was obvious in his eyes; the worried look when they were sad or in trouble, the happy look when they laughed and the proud one he always shot Buffy and Willow.   
  
Sadly, he never got that look. Why would he? Buffy and Willow did plenty of great things in their lives. The only good thing he had ever done was becoming a construction worker. Other than that, Buffy and Willow went to college, he didn't. Buffy was the slayer. Willow was a powerful witch and he was the joker with bad ideas.  
  
Thank God, Giles hadn't come to his wedding. He had screwed it up like he did everything else. If Giles were there that day, he would've had one of those disappointed looks he always gave him. Giles' lack of knowledge of what happened was better than getting  _those_  looks.   
  
Tears gathered in his eyes. Shit! He grimaced, and then rubbed his eyes roughly. He hated how weakly the female body reacted to emotions. Only two weeks had passed since he broke it off with Anya. It was natural to brood and gloom all the time, but to cry every time he did was too much.   
  
"Good morning, young lady."   
  
Xander turned and saw an old woman smiling at him. Oh a customer! How did Anya handle this?   
  
"Um...good morning, ma'am, how may I help you?"   
  
"Well, aren't you the polite one, and pretty too."   
  
"Uh, thanks?"   
  
"You're welcome, deary. Now I've heard that you have many different healing powders. I'm looking for a specific one for a rash I've got on my upper thigh."   
  
 _Gulp._  
  
"Uh OK, do you know what it's called?" Xander asked, uncomfortable.   
  
"Well, I never actually asked. You see I used to go to this Chinese Herbalist and he used to recommend a different one each time he checked on the rash, it always went away after he gave me the powder, but he's away now to attend his daughter's wedding. Are you married, honey?"   
  
 _Wow, major blab fest on such a little old lady._    
  
"Oh no, no marriage for me. So how can I help you?"   
  
"You can check the rash I guess and give me something for it, do you have a backroom?"   
  
 _WHAT!_    
  
Xander went behind the counter so there would be something between him and the old woman.   
  
"Um, there's no need. I have different kinds of powders here; maybe you can describe the last one your Chinese friend gave you. We have red, green, yellow, black." He began to pick out different jars and placing them on the counter.   
  
The woman came closer and noticed the last jar had a tag on it. "Gun powder!" She said horrified. "She's going to give me gun powder for my rash!" She huffed and stormed out of the shop.   
  
Xander returned from the backroom with more jars. Frowning when he noticed that the lady customer had left, he shrugged and started replacing the jars on the shelves.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
_Oh, hope Willow won't mind the little stain on her notebook,_  Buffy whimpered and tried to wipe the  _huge_  ink blob that covered half the page.  _Well, at least all the important notes are on the other page._  Buffy shrugged and picked up her books and got up to go to her next class.   
  
"Um, Willow?"   
  
 _Ooh that's me!_  Buffy stopped in her tracks and turned to see the professor indicating for her, "Yes?"   
  
"Willow, is everything OK?"   
  
"Yes, why do you ask?" Buffy frowned when Ms. Rachel placed her hand on hers.  
  
 _What's with the touching? ohhh I hope Willow isn't having a fling with the teacher. Hey! That's illegal, right?_    
  
"Willow, you haven't answered one question. That's not like you. You're not warm so I assume you're not sick." She removed her hand.   
  
 _Oh, that was why she was touching me. Sheesh I'm getting paranoid._  
  
"Well, I was concentrating on taking notes," Buffy explained showing her the books she's carrying.   
  
The professor's eyes widened. "Are you sure you're fine?"   
  
"Yes!" Buffy said exasperated. "Why do you keep saying that?"   
  
The woman pointed at the book. "Well, Ms. Rosenberg, this is Native American History. What you have there is African Music."   
  
Buffy looked at the book, she blushed. "Umm, I have that next class I must've picked the wrong book. Gotta go now," she said hurriedly before exiting the classroom.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
"Willow! Willow, wait up!" A voice called at her.   
  
 _That's me again!_  
  
Buffy turned to see Tara running towards her. OK, now or never.   
  
Buffy waived, "Hey Tara."   
  
"Hey, Will, what's with the running?"   
  
"I have class and I just humiliated myself in front of the professor," Buffy said coolly.   
  
Tara looked at her questioning. "Wrong book", Buffy explained. Tara nodded her head and smiled shyly.  _Aw, isn't she cute when she blushes. Um, not that I'm thinking that in a gay kinda way... See? I just ogled that hot guy's butt over there._  
  
"Willow?" Buffy looked away from the hot buns and saw Tara looking at her strangely. "Are you OK?"   
  
"Yeah?" Buffy asked worriedly.   
  
"D-did you just ch-check out that guy?"   
  
"WHAT!" Buffy began to stutter all Willow like, "N...no, no checking out guys, totally gay here! He had... gum on him, that's all"   
  
Tara giggled.   
  
Buffy looked at her watch.  _I'm gonna be late to class. Willow is SO gonna kill me if that happened._    
  
"Tara, I have to go, and it's not that I have to go because I want to avoid you 'cause that is so not the issue. I have class!"   
  
Tara smiled widely at that. She really missed the Willow babble. Willow seemed to be really handling her magic problems. Her aura was all clear.   
  
"Sure, I only wanted to see how you're d-doing with the m-magic and I see you haven't been doing any, I'm glad."   
  
"Sure, magic addiction be damned, no need to worry. Bye!"   
  
Buffy ran to her next class, making a mental note to tell Willow that Tara hadn't suspected a thing.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Willow walked to the construction site. The sun was bright, too bright; it was burning her skin.  _Uh, Xander's skin._  She corrected herself.  _Now I know why Xander has tanned skin._  
  
She looked around at the men that were working here and there, and she realized she didn't know what to do.   
  
"Xander!"   
  
She turned her head towards a familiar face. He was a blond young man that she knew she had seen before.  _Oh, he's the guy Xander brought to Buffy's birthday party. What's his name?_    
  
"Richard!"   
  
She called back and hurried towards him.   
  
"Hey, Harris, what are you doing here early? We only have to paint over the wall we made yesterday."   
  
"Uh, I woke up and couldn't sleep," Willow said the first thing that came to her mind.   
  
Richard roared with laughter. "That's a good one,  _you_  couldn't sleep!" he said while placing his arm over Xander's shoulder and ringing his neck playfully.   
  
 _Gah! Men play rough._    
  
Richard then let go of 'Xander', still laughing then slapped him on the back. Willow smiled weakly; she thought that the safe way out of another strangling match would be talking. But about what?   
  
"Hey, Rich?"   
  
"Yeah, man?"   
  
"How are your wounds? You know, from that night at my friend's birthday party?"   
  
Richard came closer. "You know they're better, Harris." Then he whispered, "Have you told your friend that I know about the secrets that lie behind the night in Sunnydale?" He straightened up. "If they need any help I'm there."  
  
Willow's brain - technically Xander's brain - was going a million miles a minute. Richard knew? Xander knew that he knew? Willow was still mentally gnawing at herself when Richard nudged her and she heard several catcalls.   
  
Looking up she noticed what all the fuss was about. A tall slender well-curved brunette, wearing a skintight knee-high brown skirt, with an equally tight white shirt showing her well-defined breasts was walking by. Willow couldn't help but gaze at her as hungrily as the other men were, if not more. Her brows furrowed, something is not right down there. She looked down, her eyes comically widened as she noticed the very prominent bulge in her pants. Having been with a guy before, she knew what that was.   
  
 _OH MY GOD! I have a hard on._  Willow looked around in fear that someone had noticed; relieved when she realized that they still were looking at the hot woman.  _Oh, I did not just think that! I love Tara._  She thought forcibly.   
  
She remembered that when men on TV got hard in inappropriate situations they thought about other things.  _OK. A chair, that's not hot, and Xander's clothes those are SO not hot._  She was still haunted by the frightful sight of all the loose fitting brightly colored clothes when she had got dressed this morning.  _I should have worn one of those instead of tight jeans! OK think something else. Xander said that Giles singing was a major no no, but I really liked that, he had the softest voice. Oh bad train of thought … umm blood yes blood!! It's icky specially how Spike eats it with all that 'texture' he puts in it. YAK!_  Willow sighed when she felt the erection recede.   
  
 _I had an erection! Huh, how many girls can say that?_  
  
Willow shook her head to clear the jumbling thoughts and followed the other men to the tall wall they were about to paint, thanking the God for it being a painting job and that she wasn't required to build anything. She was also glad that today is Friday. They had two days to figure out how to fix their switch. She wasn't sure she could take more of these strange male reactions.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
"C'mon. Kick at me again and harder this time!"   
  
The three friends met at the Magic Box, after Willow had finished up at work and Buffy's day at college ended. Everyone started talking about his/her hard day. The most significant thing was what Buffy told them about Tara not noticing anything.   
  
Buffy decided to teach Xander how to fight. Now that he was the slayer, he was the one who should go patrolling, alone, since Buffy and Willow chose to stay at the shop to do some research on how they would fix themselves. The slayer should patrol no matter what. It was not the innocent people's fault that 'things' were mixed up.   
  
Buffy's moves weren't affected by being in Willow's body. She still had the style but without the slayer powers. It wasn't long before Xander learned some moves, then the three of them decided to take a break.   
  
"So, what's the hardest thing you had to do since the switch?" Buffy asked.   
  
"Peeing!" Both Xander and Willow answered in unison.   
  
Buffy grimaced. "Well, last night I dreamed that I was Willow, in junior high, tutoring Xander and Jesse Algebra. Then, I gave them tests and when they finished they asked to go to drink water. I said yes, and when I opened their papers I saw a funny drawing of me, I-I mean Willow, yelling. And guess what? They didn't go to drink water!" Buffy glared at Xander.   
  
Willow's eyebrows rose. "That... that actually happened."  
  
"You mean that wasn't just a dream? It did happen before?" Buffy asked. Willow nodded. "Well, what about you, guys? Did you have any dreams?"   
  
"Yeah, I dreamt that me, I mean Buffy, and Dawn went to Disneyland with Mrs. and Mr. Summers. It was weird since I've never been to Disneyland. It's like I was having Buffy's feelings, not mine." Xander said.   
  
"That happened to me, too," Buffy said. "I knew everything about Algebra. Things I've never understood before, and I was really furious when you guys didn't understand. I mean it was so easy."   
  
Willow scowled. "I dreamt about Xander's smoochies with Cordelia in the closet. Urgh, I had the 'I care about you, Cordy' feelings and what's with you men and hard-ons?" Willow couldn't stop with the 'Eww' face, which looked hilarious on Xander's.   
  
Xander blushed. "You... you actually saw that?"   
  
"Not just saw it. I felt it, too." More 'Eww' face from Willow.   
  
Xander blushed harder.   
  
Buffy jumped in her seat. "Awww, cute blushing Buffy. Do it again, Xander."   
  
"W... what?"   
  
Willow rolled her eyes. "Can we stop that, please? Ok, I think I know what's going on with us. Those aren't just dreams, those are our memories. I see Xander's past in my dreams, Buffy sees mine, and Xander sees Buffy's," Willow explained.   
  
Buffy and Xander's faces paled. "Are... are you s...sure?" Buffy stuttered.   
  
"That's the only logical explanation, Buffy," Willow answered sadly.   
  
"But... but those are my memories. Mine. We're talking secrets, dark past and everything. I don't want Xander seeing that!" she exclaimed.  
  
Xander and Willow both didn't like idea of someone dreaming about their past and secrets. The scary idea made the three friends lose themselves to their thoughts. Then Willow broke the silence. "I guess that means we should do our best in research today, right?"   
  
Xander and Buffy nodded their heads in agreement, and then Xander turned to Buffy. "I think I've rested enough, let's go train some more. And tonight I'll try searching for Warren and his geeks."   
  
Buffy nodded mutely. He placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's gonna be OK, believe me," he said reassuring her.   
  
She smiled at him, although he could see the gloom in her eyes, and then said. "Let's go."   
  
The two of them went to the training room leaving Willow to start on research.   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
"I don't see why I should change my clothes just for slaying," Xander whined, while Buffy helped dressing him. She had dragged him from the Magic Box to her house  _just_ to change his clothes.  _She's obsessed!_    
  
"There's nothing wrong with looking good while slaying vamps," Buffy replied casually.   
  
"I looked just fine at the Magic Shop; there was no need to change."   
  
"There." Buffy smiled as she tied the straps of her sky-blue blouse on his back. She forced him to sit down so she could do his hair and make up.   
  
Well, it was her body after all. Xander thought logically to his sullen brain.   
  
"Don't worry. I'm sure we'll find a solution in research tonight."   
  
"I hope so. I mean the whole dreaming thing is freaking me out."   
  
There was a pause at that between them then. After doing the make up, Buffy started to fix the hair. He stared at her Willow-face in the mirror; she seemed lost in her own thoughts. He didn't blame her, that was too spooky, even if Buffy had experienced this body changing stuff before, it was not something that you could get used to.   
  
Then Buffy broke the silence. "Xander? Uh, if you run into Spike, try to ignore him, okay?"   
  
Xander frowned. "Well, Buff. As much as I like to ignore the bleached freak, I don't think that I should push him away. His helping in slaying is a good thing."   
  
"But what if he knew that you're not me?"   
  
"Buffy," he began. "You said it yourself that Tara didn't suspect anything. She knows Willow better than Spike knows any of us, he won't suspect."   
  
"But he knows my moves. He'll know that you're not me."   
  
"I'm not sure that us keeping 'it' a secret is such a good thing in the first place. Maybe he can help us if we..."   
  
"Trust me, Xander, avoiding him is gonna be for the best. Plus, I trained you just fine. You can hold your ground if you avoid the usually full cemeteries and stick to the route I told you about."   
  
He looked at her pleading face, and shrugged. "No problem."  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
That night, Xander walked through the cemeteries - as the slayer - looking for the vampires. He only ran into two vampires and staked them easily. The now blond girl still couldn't push away the stupid grin he had had on his face since then.  _Can you blame me? I kicked ass!_    
  
He still had the weird feeling of being smaller, and with every step he took he couldn't feel the missing part of him.  _I miss my penis._  He thought sadly.  _I hope Willow is taking good care of it._    
  
"'Ello 'luv."   
  
He froze when he heard the familiar British accent. He turned his gaze towards the bleached vampire who smiled at him smugly.   
  
Urgh, Spike. Not good. Xander walked away. "Take a hike, chip-head."   
  
Spike stared at the blond walking away. He expected the cold shoulder but what hurt him was the use of the word 'chip-head'. She hadn't used that word lately; she either called him Spike or William like he was a person. He knew she had broken it off with him, but he had thought she would treat him with a little respect at least.   
  
He set his face and followed her without a word.   
  
Xander sighed with annoyance, and turned to face Spike. He shivered when his gaze locked on Spike's chest and looked up firmly. "Check your ears, vamp-face. I said 'go away' that means leave."   
  
"Oh, is this how it's going to be? Use me then leave me."   
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"   
  
"So it's denial now, is it? Or is it the same old game, where you end up jumping my bones."   
  
"I'd never do that!" Xander screamed then he realized that Spike was talking about Buffy not him.   
  
"Oh, you did do that. Over and over again."   
  
He approached and Xander stepped back looking at him in disgust. "I would never."   
  
Xander couldn't take any of this so he punched Spike, hard. The slayer strength caused Spike to be thrown several feet away. Spike raised his hand to brush at his lip where there were several blood drops. He then slowly got up and approached a shocked Xander.   
  
"So you're back to the rough play are you, Slayer?" Spike spat the name venomously. Xander inwardly cringed; it had been a long time since Spike called Buffy that. Spike stood in front of him. "But you forgot that now I can fight back!" He returned the punch with fervor and caused Xander to fall away as well.   
  
Xander carefully got up, "You can hit me?"   
  
Spike began to laugh, "Oh, you know I can! Or do you want to forget the reason why I can hit you and no one else can 'cause your 'friends' brought you back wrong!"   
  
"No, you're wrong." Xander shook his head in denial, was that the real reason why Buffy wanted him to avoid the vampire? So he wouldn't find out. "Nothing you said is true!"   
  
"You just don't get that, do you? You conveniently forget everything after getting what you want." He began circling the stricken Xander. "You had a good deal, didn't you? Get a free fuck with Spike, go back to your friends and pretend nothing happened." Spike spat out, "Then reliable soldier boy comes back with his lovely marriage and you're wanting nothing with me 'cause I can't give you that!"   
  
"The demon eggs?"  
  
Spike brushed at his hair, "You knew that they were for you. You needed money I told you I'd get you money."  
  
Xander took a deep breath and said forcibly. "I didn't have anything to do with you," Xander said that with a slight pleading sound, trying to make himself believe something other than the truth that was staring at him.   
  
Spike looked at him dangerously and said in a scary low voice, "I'll remind you then."   
  
He grabbed Xander's arm and forcefully pressed his body to Xander's. His arms wrapped around Xander's waist, holding him tight. Xander struggled to free himself from the powerful grip, before Spike brushed his lips against his. Wide-eyed Xander tried to move his face away, but Spike pressed his lips more firmly. They were cold. Spike started sucking Xander's full bottom lip. Xander didn't try to push away anymore. With Spike's lips nibbling and teasing his, his lips slightly parted. He jumped when a cold tongue slipped into his mouth.   
  
Xander's world tilted. He closed his eyes as Spike's cool tongue brushed against his own. He couldn't feel anything around him. He only felt the hard, muscled body he was pressed into, the strong hands that squeezed his waist and the mouth that was devouring his in a bruising kiss. Xander was kissing back with hunger and need. His hands that were on Spike's chest moved to surround his neck, desperately holding on to it.   
  
He felt Spike's groin against his thigh. Xander moaned with pleasure. He also felt the vampire's fingers playing with the straps of his blouse. Xander whimpered when Spike's erection pressed harder. Spike's hands tore at the straps.   
  
Xander broke the kiss violently when he felt he was going to choke. He had forgotten he was kissing a vampire.  _Did I actually kiss him back?_  He stared at the vampire, eyes wide, breathing hard. Spike's eyes were cold, looking at him like he had proved a point. He let go of Xander and the blond girl fell onto the ground. Xander looked up at Spike's hard stare, his breath still hitching. The vampire turned on his heals and left.   
  
Hugging himself, Xander stared at Spike's retreating back until he disappeared into the shadows. He didn't know what frightened him the most; the fact that Buffy was sleeping with Spike or the fact that Spike could hurt Buffy or the fact that he  _liked_  the kiss, a lot.


	3. Chapter 3

****  
  
  
  
  
Spike heatedly slammed the crypt door. He had realized when Buffy made it clear before that their relationship, or whatever they had, was over. He only wanted to patrol with her, that was all, and maybe... court her?  
  
Well, they had had sex, which meant something, right? Or at least it did with him. He was sure that there was something between them and all he had to do was find a way for Buffy to see that, too. All right, he knew she would reject him, and tease him, and practically stomp on his un-beating heart. That was how it was with them, their game, but... never this. Before she had threatened to kill him, she would beat him up to within an inch of his un-life if he ever told anyone about them. She would tell him he was a monster and a substitute to  _Angel_  but never, NEVER, acted like nothing had happened.   
  
He sighed and leaned back against the wall, pulled out a cigarette and flicked on his lighter. A faint glow lessened the darkness in the crypt. He strongly inhaled the calming smoke and sighed as the nicotine spread throughout his dead lungs giving him even a little sense of warmth.   
  
Something was wrong with the Slayer. He was sure of it. His senses screamed about something. But she looked the same, smelt the same and even tasted the same. He grinned remembering the kiss then frowned. There was something off though. It was the way she walked.  
  
She was off her edge somehow like she was... missing something, and somewhat uncomfortable in her own skin.   
  
Also, the kiss. Yes, the kiss. Knowing Buffy so well, she had always been violent in the way she acted, even in their first kiss. However, this time was different, maybe because he kissed her first. Also this time she was trying hard, too hard, to block the kiss, and then she finally gave in and returned it wholeheartedly.   
  
Blowing out the smoke, he touched his lips lightly. He had to admit it. He didn't hate it.   
  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Xander walked slowly into the Magic Box. His mind was troubled. A lot of stuff happened tonight and he couldn't connect them with each other.   
  
"Hey, Xan!"   
  
He looked up at Willow's concerned brown eyes. He was so confused that he didn't notice how odd it was to see his best friend with  _his_  face looking down at him all worried and concerned.   
  
"Gosh, Xander, you look like the dead." Buffy hurried towards him, looking very distressed. She looked at  _herself,_  hair all messed up, her pants were covered with mud and grass, and the straps of her blouse were ripped off.  _Please let it not be Spike. Please anything but Spike._  
  
Xander's eyes were on the ground. He couldn't bear to look at her face. He had just discovered the horrible secret she had been hiding from them all. He just knew why she was the one who had freaked out the most about the dreams. That was why she gave him all those warnings about seeing Spike. Was that also the reason to why she had cut herself out of their lives since she was brought back from the dead? Why had she gone to Spike, the evil soulless demon, and not to one of them, her friends?   
  
"My clothes are ruined, Xander. What happened?" Buffy asked in her worried Willow voice.   
  
Xander gave her a quick glance before looking away. "Um ... I ran into a big number of vamps. It took me some time to dust them all. It was a hell of a fight."   
  
 _Why did I lie? I should scream at Buffy. She was crazy to sleep with the evil undead! So why aren't I screaming?_    
  
"Are you sure?" Buffy asked.   
  
Xander faked a confused look. "Of course I'm sure. What do you think happened, Buffy?"   
  
She smiled nervously. "Nothing. I was just checking on you, seeing if you're okay." She mentally sighed with relief at his nod. Was he lying? She was used to lying to all her friends about this, but this was Xander. If Xander did meet Spike and found out about everything, he would be blowing up in her face right now. He always did with Angel; he never hid his feelings when it came to her and vampires, especially if it was Spike.   
  
"So," Xander turned to Willow asking. "Found anything on research?"   
  
Willow shook her head. "Nothing at all." She glanced at the shop clock. "Uh... guys? It's getting late. Can we look into it tomorrow?" She had to go to the bank to get the money Xander owed his father.   
  
"She's right, it's getting late. Let's just go home," Xander said as he grabbed the keys to the Magic Box.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Warren and Andrew were watching the three friends exit the shop on the screen.   
  
"Damn it, it didn't work!" Warren said as he observed the three on the monitor that showed them the inside of the Magic Box. "They're still alive! How's fixing the gun shaping up, Jonathan?"   
  
"St .. still alive?" Jonathan asked, confused. "The laser wasn't supposed to kill 'em. I told you I liked them, they were nice to me in high school!"   
  
"Yeah! Me too," Andrew agreed while stuffing his mouth with some popcorn he fixed up to eat while watching the lives of the Scoobies.   
  
"Oh, shut up, Andrew! They didn't even know you!!" Warren then turned his gaze back to a scowling Jonathan. "You didn't answer me. How's the laser gun turning out?" he snapped.   
  
"I still can't find anything wrong with the spell  _I_  used," Jonathan snapped back. "And what was all that about them 'being alive'? This gun we packed with a soul stealing spell, I thought you made it to capture their essence not to kill them!"   
  
"That's what I meant to say if you would shut up and let me talk," Warren quickly made an excuse. "When the laser didn't extract their souls I assumed that you two," he pointed accusingly at Jonathan and Andrew, "had messed up your spell and that their souls were thrown out of their bodies and that they were dead when I saw them not moving. That is why I'm now surprised to see them alive!"   
  
Andrew pouted. "I didn't mess up my part of the spell!" Warren rolled his eyes at that. "Hey Warren, you didn't say what you were going to do if it did work and captured their souls in the gun."   
  
"Oh... that, yes, well after we took the souls of the Slayer and her friends we were going to take over Sunnydale and then return them to their bodies so they'd be our slaves, yep that was the plan," Warren answered with a confident voice.   
  
"Can I have Xander when it works next time?" Andrew asked, excited.  
  
"Why would you want Xander?" Jonathan asked with mischief.   
  
"I . . . well he's all tall and strong and . . . he can fix things and well I have things that need fixing in my place," Andrew stuttered.   
  
"Yeah you do," Warren said annoyed.  _Sheesh good help is so hard to find these days,_ he thought as he turned back towards the screen showing the now empty shop.  _I wonder what they were searching. Bet it's a new demon. Too bad I can't hear what they’re saying._    
  
Andrew sighed and munched down on a piece of popcorn.  _Too bad Spike doesn't have a soul._    
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Dawn heard their front door open. "You guys are back?" she asked as she dashed to the door where Buffy and Willow were entering the house. Her sister gave her a small smile and a quiet, "Hey Dawn," before heading upstairs.   
  
Willow looked worriedly at Buffy, and asked. "You OK, um... Buffy?"   
  
"I'm fine, just had a rough night. At slaying. I'm sure I'll be just as right as rain after a good night sleep," Buffy said without looking down and she continued heading up.   
  
Dawn furrowed her brows. There was something very wrong with her sister. She heard Willow speaking which stopped her from following Buffy and demanding to tell her what was wrong, "How's your exam?"   
  
"Fine," she simply answered with a shrug.   
  
"Was it hard?"   
  
"Kinda"   
  
"What do you mean 'kinda'? Did you do well? Were there a lot of mistakes? What?"   
  
Dawn's eyebrows rose with amazement. Usually when Buffy and Willow came back from a hard day of patrolling, research and shop keeping, Willow would just say 'hi' and ask a simple question about school and then go take a shower. Buffy was the one who asked all the annoying questions,  _Well duh, she's, like, my big sister!_  This time though she didn't ask a single one. Ok, she never used to pay her much attention, but that was before the incident at her birthday. Buffy started to act more like a big sister since then.  
  
There was something weird going on, Dawn was sure of that.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
  
Xander got out of the bathroom after wrapping a towel around his waist. He felt a jiggling and looked down.  _Shit!_  He quickly covered the breasts with his hands, each hand over one boob.  _Eeek bosom Buffy!_  He quickly removed his hands and raised the towel to cover them without looking down, concentrating on the ceiling. A sideway glance at the hairdryer made him shudder. He went to Buffy's wardrobe and picked an oversized T-shirt, and on a second thought, he pulled on some panties, praying to who ever would hear, that his co-workers would never find out.  _Like they would believe the whole situation either way._    
  
He dropped heavily on Buffy's bed and stared up at the ceiling.   
  
 _Ok, let's go through this again._    
  
Buffy was having sex with Spike, who could hurt her and she hadn't even told them. Why hadn't she told them that Spike can hurt her? Had he forced Buffy into...?   
  
His lips curled up in disgust. God, what was she thinking? ... Spike! Soulless undead walking big bad Spike! Hadn't she learned anything from dating Angel? Though King of the Broody Bunch had one up on Fangless, he had a soul. She had given him everything, even her blood when he needed it. And the result: he left her. It didn't matter then that he had a soul or not, he left. These creatures were all the same. Besides, who would ever want to have anything to do with Spike?   
  
 _Well, you didn't seem to have a problem with it when he kissed you._  
  
That was different! Spike distracted him with his revelation about Buffy. Besides, he didn't like it.   
  
 _Oh give me a break! If you didn't like it then why were you holding on to him like your life was depending on it? And most importantly, why were you kissing him back? Huh? Huh?_    
  
Xander rubbed his forehead.  _Oh, shut up, brain._    
  
Ok, seriously, the kiss. He had to admit that Spike was a good kisser. Well, he'd had a century to practice! Xander was drawn to the kiss, to the feeling of Spike's cool lips against his own.  _Yak! No thoughts about man-lips, brain!_  These feelings were obviously because of his break up with Anya. He needed comfort and Spike was there so...   
  
 _Yeah, right._    
  
He narrowed his eyes.  _I thought I told you to shut up!_    
  
He yawned with exhaustion and snuggled down in the bed. Enough thinking for him, he needed his precious sleep.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
A breathless Xander woke up with a start. That couldn't be. That was not true.   
  
Xander hugged his legs closer to his body and began to rock in the dark, back and forth, back and forth, the images of his dream still flashing in front of his eyes.  
  
Falling, falling and feeling the wind through his hair. But he wasn't afraid. No, he had made his peace with the world. Then there was crackling, electricity flowed through his body and there was pain. He knew there would be. But this was a cleansing pain, a short pain, then peace, utmost peace. Warm arms wrapped around him, familiar arms, calm comforting smell.  
  
 _Mom?_    
  
Then it was gone, all of it. She - he felt pain when he was taken from the peace. Immense pain as he experienced with every fiber of his body, his return, his resurrection. He was in his body again but it didn't feel right.   
  
 _I'm not supposed to be here._  
  
He wanted to scream, yell, but all he could do was gasp for breath. He opened his eyes and there was blackness, instead of light. He was trapped.   
  
His breath quickened and the air became thicker and thicker. Somewhere, something primal, his instinct, drove him to find a way to escape, to break out.   
  
Finally he escaped from his prison and crawled out of the earth. He stood there looking back from where he came out. This was wrong, he at least remembered this. He used to watch as others not like himself slunk out of the soil like this, not him, this was wrong.  _It must be a dream. I have to find a way to wake up._  He began to run trying to find what took him from his haven, to the warm arms before. Only that could wake him up and everything would be fine again.   
  
What he saw in his journey was all wrong, he knew that.  _This shouldn't have happened. I stopped this, now I know it isn't real._  
  
He quickened his pace. She - he saw himself being torn a part by demons. The demons noticed him and started to follow as he ran faster. She - he jumped and found himself in front of familiar faces. He ran away frightened, not wanting to believe. The demons found him. He's afraid and angry. He didn't let them stop him and fought his way until he reached his destination.   
  
He looked up.  _Yes, this is the way back!_  He headed up the tower. He stood at the top. He remembered. A presence interrupted him. He had died for her. He questioned her if he was in hell and tried to jump. The tower started to collapse and Dawn begged him to come with her, she was - he was needed.   
  
No, he already helped! But looking at the face that he gave up everything for he relented. A rope and pulley to get them partially to the ground, and they fell the rest of the distance with him cushioning the fall and rolled them out of the way before the tower collapsed completely.   
  
A flash; he was being hugged, welcomed back into the arms of his 'saviors', his friends. He confessed that he was in hell and that they saved him and that he appreciated that they brought him back. He couldn't take it, the lies. They were too much. He needed air. He had to breathe. He was finally away from them, but here sat someone else, someone who cared about him when he came back, who cared before. He wanted to talk to this one. He knew  _he_  would understand. He had to.   
  
Spike tried to talk to him and offered his help if there was any way he could. She - he admitted to him that although he wasn't sure, he had been in Hell ... he thought he had been in Heaven and his friends took her away from that. She - he told him the exactness he's a part of now. This was his Hell, and told him that his friends must never know.   
  
Xander quickly jumped off the bed and ran to the bathroom. He threw up as he started to cry. Now he knew why.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Next morning, Xander found Buffy in the kitchen eating pancakes. She beamed at him. "It's Buffy and Willow's Day of Pancakes. Careful or there won't be any left for you."   
  
Xander smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. Buffy noticed. "Xander, is something wrong?"   
  
He took a seat next to her. "There's something I want to tell you."   
  
Her heart started pounding. "About what?"   
  
"Last night I had this dream."   
  
Buffy tried so hard to remain calm, but her eyes were wide with fear.  _It's Spike. Yes, he saw me with Spike._    
  
"What was it about?" she asked calmly.   
  
She didn't miss the sadness in the green eyes. "I'm sorry, Buffy."   
  
She blinked.  _Did I miss something?_  It wasn't supposed to go this way. She was expecting the disappointment on Xander's Buffy-face with the brotherly lecture, not to forget the yelling, instead of the sad guilty expression and the apology.   
  
"What?" She asked, confused.   
  
"I saw you in heaven, or  _I_  was you in heaven... I guess... with your mom. I felt so happy, finally at peace, no responsibilities and nothing to care about."   
  
Xander could still remember the words he had told Spike in the vivid dream he had last night. "I was so confused. Why did they do this? I thought they were demons with my friends' faces, but they actually were my  _friends_. I was so lost I didn't want this. I wanted the peace I was in, I-I wanted heaven, why did they take me away?"   
  
Xander was shaking, his eyes were wide and he had that damned urge to cry again. Buffy had her arm around the shivering form's shoulders. "Oh, Xander." Her other hand was holding Xander's shaking ones that had a death grip on one of her long sweaters that he was wearing. "It's Ok, I used to have those feelings but I I think I got over them now. It's no big deal." She didn't completely. How could you get over being in Heaven? But looking at Xander like that, she tried her best to soothe him.   
  
His eyes got even wider. "No big deal?" He looked at her with fear filled eyes. " _I_  was in heaven and  _you_  pulled me out. Why did you do this, Willow?"  
  
Buffy bit her bottom lip, watching her own features so frightening and hearing her own voice speaking. That was what she looked like months ago, all lost and scared, wanting desperately to go back to where she was safe and happy. She understood how Xander felt. She had been in this position before. What frightened her was that Xander forgot who he was and thought she was Willow.  
  
Would that happen? If they didn't find a way to get back to their bodies, would they forget who they really were and embrace their new selves?   
  
She held the tearful blonde in her arms murmuring words of comfort and kissing his head. Suddenly she heard Dawn's footsteps upstairs. "Xander, not now. Dawn is coming, you have to stop."   
  
Xander sniffed raising his head from her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Buffy," he mumbled guiltily.   
  
Buffy smiled warmly. "Hey, I forgave you all, remember? I'm fine. Now go clean up  _my_ face before Dawn sees you." He chuckled softly at the reminder of him wearing her face, and went to the sink. He washed his face then wiped it with a towel, before looking at her.   
  
He gave her an embarrassed grin. "I kinda lost myself there, huh?"   
  
She smiled. "That's OK. I've been there before." Sighing, she said, "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."   
  
"I'm sorry you had to go through it in the first place," he said sadly.   
  
"Hey, none of that now, 'K? Dawn is coming down any minute."   
  
Xander sat next to her. "I hope Willow doesn't take too long to come here, she has to pick up Dawn for school and we don't want a repeat of yesterday's fiasco."   
  
Buffy nodded. She had thanked God that day when Janice's mother rang the door bell in the morning to pick Dawn up, telling them that she promised the girls to take them to school that day. The whole fiasco happened because the 'Xan-man' forgot to tell them that Dawn informed him about it the day before and they were frantic because Willow had left for the construction site and forgotten to drop Dawn off at school.   
  
Xander started eating the pancakes, "I'm glad she agreed to take that tutoring class every Saturday."   
  
Buffy nodded. "Yeah, she's been slacking with her studies lately."   
  
"Is Xander here yet?" Dawn said as she entered the kitchen.   
  
"Not yet." Buffy said and worriedly looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. Where was Willow, anyway?  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Willow parked Xander's car in front of the Summers' drive way. She hoped she wasn't late. If she got a lecture from Buffy and Xander, she couldn't tell them she had actually been waiting for Xander's father to show up so she could give him half of Xander's wedding had cost.   
  
She couldn't believe how angry Mr. Harris had gotten when she didn't bring the whole due. What did that man expect? If Xander could have afforded the wedding, he would have paid for it himself.   
  
She used the key to open the door, and called out, "Come on, Dawn. Don't want to be late for work." She was ticked when Richard told her they have to be at the site on Saturday because they had a deadline to meet.   
  
Dawn took her bag and raced to the door. Buffy and Xander came to Willow. "Where were you?" Buffy hissed.   
  
"Don't tell me it's the alarm clock? I was going to get that fixed," Xander said knotting his fingers in worry.   
  
Willow looked at him for a second. It saddened her how clueless he was about what was going on in his life. She finally forced a smile to her lips. "No, it wasn't the alarm. I'm just a lousy morning person."   
  
"Xander, c'mon! I'm gonna be late for school!" Dawn shouted from the passenger seat of the car.   
  
Xander shooed Willow out. "C'mon go,  _Xander_. You don't wanna be late for work on a _Saturday_."   
  
Willow glared at him. "You're enjoying this too much." She then hurried to the car and drove towards Dawn's school. She was lost in her own thoughts when Dawn broke the silence.   
  
"Did you notice how they've been acting lately?"   
  
Willow looked at her, frowning. "Who?"   
  
"Buffy and Willow. They're acting totally out of character in the last couple of days."   
  
Willow hoped those two weren't faking it too much. "Oh, you know how things are lately, Dawnie. Buffy is working hard to make money and you know she's not an Anya, not that I hated Anya 'cause she was my fiancé and we were gonna get married and didn't 'cause I had some weird type of cold feet, and you know Willow's going cold turkey with the magic and I think she's doing great, don't you?"   
  
Dawn chuckled. "You and Willow are so alike."   
  
Willow panicked.  _No, I'm the Xander, absolutely not Willow here._  She was about to protest when Dawn continued on. "Which, when you think about it, is expected 'cause you two have grown up together and everything."   
  
Willow let out a nervous laugh. "Yeah, of course. Why else?" She breathed out.   
  
 _Phew, that was too close._    
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Later that night, Xander was alone in the magic shop. Buffy was taking an exam on Monday and of course perfect Miss. Rosenberg couldn't have a bad grade and Buffy needed all the tutoring that was possible, so she and Willow were using his apartment for studying.   
  
Xander was getting bored. He was alone, and the lack of customers was killing him.   
  
He still couldn't get over the dream he had had last night, and Buffy had insisted that he shouldn't tell Willow about it. Willow was feeling guilty enough so there was no need to push. He felt bad for crying in Buffy's arms about this. She was the one who needed to cry, she was the one who deserved comfort and yet they didn't give it to her.   
  
They had caused the whole mess and just didn't see how much it was hurting her. _Some friends we are._  Spike was the one who noticed. Spike was the one who comforted her, and Spike was the one Buffy trusted.   
  
He was going through the stuff in the Magic Box to entertain himself until it was time to close shop. Buffy was strict about not closing the shop before 11 o'clock.   
  
 _So where was I?_  Oh, yes, the Buffy trust Spike thing. Ok, Xander had never appreciated the vamp but he couldn't deny that Spike helped on more than one occasion. Could it be that Buffy liked him? He knew that Dawn liked him, Willow and Tara didn't mind him, and even Anya who only cared about Xander liked Spike.   
  
His chest tightened at the remembrance of his ex-fiancé. When would the time come that he didn't feel like the scum of the earth whenever he thought about her? She loved him, and the word 'love' was not enough to describe the way Anya felt about him. She would have given him anything he would have asked of her with no hesitation and he had just crushed her, broke her heart on their wedding day and in front of everyone.   
  
His eyes narrowed looking at the drawings he saw in a drawer. These were Anya and Dawn's paintings that Dawn had talked about that night. There was a sketch of a dress with Dawn's name under it. The next one was a painting of money, Xander chuckled sadly. Same old Anya. Then there was a painting of a man wearing a tux holding hands with a blonde woman in a wedding dress, under it was written 'My Wedding to Xander'.   
  
Xander couldn't hold the tears from falling, his heartbeat got faster, and his breath was hitching. The papers in his hands fell from the shaking hands. He started whimpering and his legs couldn't hold him up. He dropped to his knees and began crying as he hugged himself.   
  
This time he didn't care whether he was crying or not. The pain was too much to control. The hurt was tearing him apart, but he deserved it. He let it surge through him. He was rocking so hard and crying like he had never cried before.   
  
He felt arms wrapping around his violently shaking body, drawing him to the hard muscled chest. He raised his head to see Spike looking down at him. He let his head fall against Spike's chest again.   
  
He didn't care who was holding him, he just needed it. Just being held like that, wanting the comfort, the care and the love even if it wasn't for him. He sank in the calming embrace and his fingers were clutched onto Spike's duster so he wouldn't leave. He felt Spike's hand on his head, and heard the soft comforting mutters. Something moved in his aching heart.   
  
He didn't know when he started to calm down. He didn't want to stop but he was hurting too much to keep going. His head was sore because of all the crying. He wiggled a bit to get comfortable in the embrace laying his head on Spike's shoulder. He closed his eyes and just stayed there with Spike still holding him, running his fingers through his longish hair.   
  
Finally, Xander took a deep breath before raising his head and looking at the caring blue eyes. "I'm... I'm sorry, I just ..."   
  
"Feel better?"   
  
"I'm fine, thank you."   
  
Xander slowly stood up and headed to the bathroom in the back to wash his face. That was twice today that he had done this. How pathetic.  
  
When he came back he found Spike looking at one of the paintings. He spotted the black tux on the paper and quickly snatched it from the vampire's hand.  
  
"That's what got you all teared up?"   
  
Xander's heart was pounding. "Look, it's not..."   
  
"To be honest, I never expected it to end this way," Spike said sincerely.   
  
Xander looked away. "Xander is a big jerk."  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow and Xander continued, "He left his bride, who loved him more than anyone, standing at the altar. She'd been looking forward to this day since he proposed to her. She was always talking about it, she was planning and sketching and... he ruined everything. He knew those visions weren't true and yet . . ."   
  
"What visions?" Spike interrupted, looking confused.   
  
Xander blinked then it hit him that Spike didn't know why he broke it off with Anya. He actually hadn't talked about it with Willow. No one knew what he saw in those visions and he had never told anyone about his feelings, simply because nobody asked. "Um. . . Xander kinda told us that... he thought he'll end up like his old man," he answered.   
  
Spike nodded and looked at the ground.   
  
Xander sighed. "What a coward."  
  
"No."   
  
Xander's brows rose high threatening to reach the line of his hair from his bewilderment. "What?"   
  
Spike smiled at his confusion. "I think he was just too edgy to think it through. He saw some visions where he was acting like his drunk of a father and it got all mixed up, right?" Spike asked guessing what the visions were about, when Xander nodded he continued. "I lived in that basement, Buffy. I had to sleep to the sounds of their racket. I hid when the old man came for the rent and the mother to complain. I hated my stay there and it was just for a bleedin' four days, but Harris put up with it for more than nineteen years. Imagine how he felt when he saw those visions."   
  
"But they weren't true," Xander retorted.   
  
"It felt true to him," Spike said. "Harris' mistake was holding those feelings inside and not talking about them with his chums."   
  
"But Xander is a man. Men don't share their feelings. That's what women do. Men don't share or cry they barely even hug!"   
  
 _Oh, like you didn't cry in this guy's arms just a minute ago._  
  
That was because of the girl's body! Stupid brain.   
  
Spike raised his scarred brow. "Uhh and that would make me what? Less of a man?" Spike inquired stalking towards Xander.   
  
"Um... hh?" He remembered Spike crying when Drusilla had left him and when Buffy had died, Spike and Dawn hugging, even when Spike first came to Sunnydale he hugged Angel.   
  
Spike moved slowly toward him, leaning down to softly kiss him. Xander didn't fight it. He liked the gentleness of it and lingering there for a few minutes before needing to break it because his partner needed to breathe.   
  
For Xander the kiss was different from the first. This was softer and gentler. Somewhat like the first kiss he had with Anya. It seemed he was twisting his feelings for Anya towards Spike, because the thought of him being actually attracted to a bleached male vampire was just beyond weird.   
  
Xander stepped back enough to see Spike's face. He didn't realize that he was touching his still vibrating lips. "Um, you wanna patrol? I think I need some stress relieved."   
  
Spike closed his duster but not fast enough for Xander not to see the big bulge in his pants and swallow hard. Spike cleared his throat. "Right then, let's go!"   
  
They exited the shop after Xander made sure it was closed and headed towards the nearest cemetery.   
  
After a few minutes of silence, Xander pulled on his courage and asked something he wanted to question Spike about in the Magic Box.   
  
"If you had known about the visions Xander saw, would you have stopped him?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Why not?"   
  
"We're not friends," Spike said simply. When Xander cringed, he explained, "He didn't and doesn't want my friendship, not that I care."   
  
Xander stopped and watched as Spike continued on his way without him. Sighing, he quickened his pace to catch up with the quickly retreating vampire.  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**  
  
  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!"   
  
Spike contemplated the thought that he was dreaming. He actually pinched himself several times to check if he was, but that only resulted in hurting him. Maybe it was something in his eyes. He wiped his eyes with his fingers before blinking at the sight in front of him again.   
  
There she was... The Slayer. A blonde young woman who saved the world through killing numbers of demons time and time again; that number reaching far beyond Spike's own age. The Slayer, the chosen one, the one who killed the Master, who sent Angelus to hell and the one who sacrificed her own life for the world, was _running_ away from a Ster'mad demon. The same kind of demon she had single handedly killed a few weeks back. And now she was running away from a three year old one.   
  
_It's bloody disgraceful is what it is._    
  
"Spike, why aren't you helping?" Xander yelped frightened, he looked back at the very huge demon.   
  
Spike, still looking stunned, walked very slowly towards the young demon. Xander watched Spike walking at a snail's pace with wide pleading eyes. "Spike, hurry!" he whimpered.   
  
By the time the blonde vampire reached him, the seven foot tall gray scaly demon had Xander trapped against a crypt wall. Spike raised the hand holding his stake and jammed it in its left shoulder where its heart resided.   
  
_And she knows that too._  Spike thought.  
  
Xander stood catching his breath. "Well, that was easy," he said in disbelief.   
  
Spike gave him a blank look. "What was that? What the hell is wrong with you?"   
  
"What?" Xander said winded from running. "What's wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me. Why would you think there's something wrong with me?" he babbled nervously.   
  
"Few weeks back, you killed a demon just like this one without taking a breath. And it was larger, too! Bloody hell, this one's barely three."   
  
_Oh, what to do? What distracts Buffy when she's patrolling?_  Xander thought nervously. "Shoes!" he exclaimed.   
  
"Shoes?" Spike asked, confused.   
  
Xander nodded fast. "Yeah, I'm wearing new shoes and can't mess them up that's why I couldn't fight. Look at all the stinky blood that came out of it and these are barely affordable if yet stylish boots, buddy, no way am I letting... eww, blue blood go all gooey on them!" Xander glared at Spike while in his head he was accepting the Oscar for the best Buffy performance. "I'm the slayer, a good fighter. I'm not... weak," he said nervously.   
  
Spike just stared at him for a moment before laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. Xander gasped in surprise   
  
_Wha?_    
  
"Know you're still a bit fragile after your little trip to crazy-ville."   
  
Xander thought about that for a second, remembering when Buffy was attacked by that needle demon and lived in an alternate world where she was a normal girl yet albeit a crazy one. He realized that Spike must still think he was affected by that experience. And he came to the conclusion that he had to play along.   
  
"I don't want to be like this, Spike. I wanna be strong Buffy again," he whispered softly.  
  
_One Oscar for this great actor... ess._  
  
"It will take time. Don't worry." Spike pushed him back a little to look him in the eye. "If you need anything, just ask. I'm here to help," he said sincerely.   
  
Xander looked at him for a second. "Actually I think I can use some help."   
  
"What is it?" Spike asked.   
  
"Do you remember Warren?"   
  
Spike nodded.   
  
"Maybe you can help find out where he and his nerd squad are?"   
  
Spike was about to say that he knew where they were hiding but thought it over. Warren was not a total twit. Spike was sure they changed their hiding place. He had to check out their place himself. Buffy looked tired and needed to rest. When he was sure where the geeks were hiding, he would tell her.   
  
"I'll look for them. You go home and rest." Spike turned to leave, but stopped when he heard Xander calling him.   
  
A 'No goodbye kiss?' was on the tip of Xander's tongue, but he bit his lip, hard. Spike was looking at him, waiting for whatever Xander wanted to say.   
  
"Be careful," Xander blurted out.   
  
Spike looked surprised, before he nodded then left. Xander stood there for few minutes before hearing...   
  
"Xander!"   
  
Grimacing, he turned to see Buffy running towards him. "Buffy, don't shout my name like that. What if I was here talking with someone?" he hissed.   
  
Buffy stood to catch her breath, "But you just said my name," she complained breathlessly.   
  
"I was hissing your name. There's a difference." He nodded affirmatively.   
  
She waved him off. "Relax. It's not like you were  _talking_  with somebody."   
  
"What if I was talking to Spike?"   
  
Suddenly, her casual look turned into alarm. "Spike? Why would you be talking to Spike?" she asked accusingly.   
  
Xander felt guilty for upsetting her like that, he knew she was going through stuff that led her to take comfort in sleeping with Spike. Hey, who could blame her? Spike could kiss like no body's business; it wouldn't surprise Xander if he was 'gifted' in other areas as well.   
  
_Enough thinking for the Xan-man._  
  
He answered her, "He was here and I thought maybe he had some info as to where Warren and his buds are."   
  
"Oh so... um- you asked him?" she hesitated in asking.   
  
Xander thought about it for a moment. "Yes, and he said he'll look around."   
  
"Um, Xand? Did Spike try to do anything... um- say anything...?"   
  
Xander pretended to look innocent. "You mean did he ask about paying him money? No, he didn't."   
  
"Uh huh... So, uh-did he? How did you meet?"   
  
"Why are you asking all these questions, Buffy?" he asked with fake misgiving.   
  
Buffy noticed how nervous she sounded so she put her slayer face immediately on and said in her best firm voice, "'cause if he tried anything, I will stake his dead-butt so hard Drusilla would feel it!" Well, that would've sounded less odd if it wasn't said in Willow's voice.   
  
Xander pretended to look touched. "Oh, thank you, Buffy."  _You little two-face, you._    
  
"But I think I can protect myself from Spike," he went on. "Not because I have the almighty slayer powers now, but if he even thought about hurting me the chip will go _zap_. And he has no one to blame except for his stupid sorry-ass." He beamed at her. How evil of him.  _Sorry Buff but I'm having fun. When you leave your bride at the altar you have to have fun for comfort, right?_  He frowned at that thought.   
  
Buffy worried her lower lip. So Xander didn't know about Spike being able to hurt her... him. He was Buffy now. She prayed they would return to their bodies soon before something bad happened. "You're right. He's as harmless as a kitten, like he always had been."   
  
Xander was getting a little pissed.  _Why won't she tell me about Spike being able to hurt me/her? I mean is it so much to ask? What if he tried to hurt me and took me by surprise? What would I have done then?_  Maybe because Spike was in love with her, she thought he wouldn't hurt him. But still, he was extremely glad she hadn't arrived when he and Spike were kissing. Why was she here in the first place, anyway?   
  
"Weren't you with Will studying at my place?" he asked.   
  
"Oh, Willow was tired so she went to bed. We're continuing the study session in the Magic Box tomorrow." She pouted at that. "So I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you go and help Xander slay some beasties?'" She said cheerily.   
  
Xander, who seemed to catch the significant of what she said, stuttered. "Huh, tomorrow? Why?"   
  
"Will thought it wasn't fair to leave you all on your lonesome in the shop, so we decided to come with." She gave him a big smile.   
  
Xander forced a smile to his lips. "That's my Will, always thinking of others." He turned his face to hide the pout. Spike said he'd keep him company in the shop tomorrow at night, and the last time went well. _Why did you do this to me, Will?_    
  
Okay, feeling upset about not seeing Spike tomorrow was disturbing... too disturbing.   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
He walked to the doors leading out into the main lodge area and paused for a moment, composing himself and taking a deep breath.  _You're gonna be fine. You can do it._  Then he reached for the doorknob.   
  
He peeked out at the lobby, like a kid peeking out through the curtains to look at the audience before the school play started. Gathering his strength, he ventured into the room, cracking a weak smile when Ron from the construction site came up to him and shook his hand. Other people noticed him and turned to smile at him, patting his back, shaking his hand, and saying their "congratulations." He had no idea who most of them were.   
  
Aunt Lily sprung out of nowhere and attacked his cheeks with her pinchy fingers, his mom trailing behind her, her face wearing the same old look of annoyance.   
  
"Alexander," she said with gritted teeth. "Do you realize that the usher sat us in the third row?"   
  
"Mom, I'm sure it was a mistake," he said in a tired tone, wishing that Aunt Lily would leave his poor cheeks alone.   
  
His mother didn't look convinced. "Well, I don't think it was really..."   
  
Uncle Rory came over, and Xander was about to explode. He felt like imploding. He couldn't deal with them all. There was someone tugging on his arm, for God's sake. His mother and Uncle Rory were talking. Other people were talking. Even Dawn was talking. Talking at him at the same time, mouths moving, sounds coming out, and he couldn't listen at all. He was too tense, and his head began to hurt.   
  
An old man next to him, the one with his hands on his arm, started pulling him away from the others. "Please, please, you have to listen. You have to listen to me!"   
  
He looked at the strange man, trying to concentrate on what he was saying, "You can't get married today. It's a huge mistake."   
  
He snorted. "Yeah right, thanks for the advice, Uncle... help me here?"   
  
The man looked at him in astonishment. "Uncle? You don't recognize me, do you?"   
  
Something swelled inside him, disliking the idea of hurting an old man's feelings. "I'm sorry, I don't..."   
  
"It sounds crazy, I know," the man cut him off. "But you have to believe me."   
  
He frowned at him in confusion.  
  
"I'm Xander Harris. I'm you."  
  
  
**FLASH**  
  
  
The rain was running down his face and soaking into his tux. He walked, arms dangled on his sides, mind lost in the horror he'd just witnessed. Eyes glazing down, he cursed, shouldn't be walking in the middle of the street. God, the hatred he'd felt, the anger, the pain! He could still feel it, soaring through his body. Could feel the way his veins had throbbed in rage, the way her voice had pierced his soul, agonizing him. Knowing that his daughter wasn't his, knowing that Anya had cheated on him, knowing that he didn't satisfy her, didn't make her happy.   
  
Fighting all the time, because they hated each other. Their children hated him. She hated him.  _He_  hated him. It was like his past life that he despised so much, returning again but with different people playing the old roles.   
  
He bit his wet lip. He was playing his father's role in that play. Hurting and abusing the woman he was supposed to love.   
  
_"I want my life back! If I hadn't married you I wouldn't have had to hate myself for the last thirty years!"_  Her words were echoing in his mind, torturing him. Anya deserved much better than this, much better than him.   
  
Tilting his head to the sky, he let the rain wash the tears that stormed down his face. He always thought he would be better than that sorry excuse of a man. He couldn't let Anya live with him knowing how he would turn out to be. Who was he destined to be. He had to ...   
  
Now the tears were running down his face like a river mixing with the rain.  _"You will hurt her less today than you will later."_    
  
  
**FLASH**    
  
  
Anya, gorgeous in her wedding dress, held his hands and smiled up at him. "You know it's bad luck to see me in my dress."   
  
He didn't respond, just looked at her, drinking in her beauty, wishing he could freeze the moment. Anya and he frozen together in a beautiful sculpture, no troubling past or threatening future, the time clock stopped ticking.   
  
"Hey. It's okay," she said in the most soothing voice ever. "It's all over now, he's dead, and it was just smoke and mirrors."   
  
"I know," he whispered.   
  
She smiled again, looking slightly excited. "So... we're ready now. Let's get married." She tried to turn away, but he was still holding her hands, stopping her.   
  
"I..." he started anxiously. "I'm not. I'm not ready. I can't, Ahn, I'm sorry."   
  
The way her eyes glistened with fear twisted his heart. "But it wa... it wasn't real. What he showed you, it wasn't real!"   
  
He looked deeply into her eyes, willing her to understand. "I know it wasn't real. But it could be."   
  
Beat, she stared at him, getting teary. "What was it? Was it about me? 'Cause he wanted you to hate me, Xander."   
  
"It wasn't you." He sighed. "It wasn't you I was hating. I had these thoughts, and... fears before this."  
  
Anya's eyes widened in panic, and he couldn't take it anymore. His gaze slipped into their joined hands, escaping the painful look in her eyes. "Maybe we just went too fast."  
  
Her hands squeezed his tightly. "Look, everybody has thoughts. It's natural; it doesn't mean that, that getting married is wrong."   
  
"I know, I know..."   
  
Her voice rose slightly frantic. "Look, you're just shaken up, okay? You just calm down and we'll start over, okay?"   
  
He looked over at his parents yelling at each other. The same old sight that had grown with him over the years, no matter whether he was staring at them through the stairs railings, or over the kitchen table during dinner, or through the windows from outside. Dark shadows moving sharply, angry hands flying at each other, burning him from the inside, making him turn around and head straight back to the library, his real home.   
  
"We can't start over," he said, his voice tearful. "If this is a mistake, it's forever, and... I don't want to hurt you." Finally finding the courage to look at her, he felt a stabbing pain at the horror that reflected in her brown eyes. "Not that way."   
  
The hands holding on to his gave up, slipping out of his clutch and falling to her sides. Anya looked up at him, lips parting, one last desperate attempt to change his mind.   
  
"I'm sorry," he said right away, his throat locked in a mixture of intense sadness and sheer loathing.   
  
She hiccupped sadly.   
  
"I am so sorry."   
  
She sniffled, wiping her eyes with her hand, crying softly. In a daze, she turned around, giving him her back and walked away.   
  
He watched her go, feeling his heart shattering to pieces. Turning around himself, he walked outside, where it had stopped raining and the sun was shining. The sunshine was so bright it blinded him. Suddenly everything went white, too white...  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Willow woke up, shocked. She sat up quickly in the bed, breathing hard. The room was lightly illuminated by a streetlamp right outside the bedroom window. She then looked at the mirror in front of her. Xander's reflection looked back at her, scared and confused. "I didn't know. I'm sorry," she whispered to the mirror as if that was Xander in front of her. "I'm so sorry."   
  
She sniffled as she looked at the clock; it was 4:00am. Nevertheless, she couldn't go back to sleep after that dream that... no not dream, not nightmare, that was Xander's life that flashed before her eyes. Willow pulled her knees close to her chest and laid her head on her folded arms. As soon as she did that she raised her head and covered her nose.   
  
_GUH! I stink!_  
  
Heavens, it seemed like she had sweated more than usual because of the intense visions she had all night. And now she smelled. She never smelled.   
  
_I guess I have to shower. Really shower this time not stand under the spray with my eyes closed like the last time. Oh that reminds me I have to tell Xander to put out a bathmat 'cause ouch._  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Willow stood in front of the bathroom mirror. She looked, or actually Xander looked, worse for wear. She had to wonder if Xander went through the same dreams she had sometimes. She shuddered to think about it. If she was this distraught about them and they were about someone else, albeit being her best friend, and she only saw them that one, hopefully last, time, how would Xander feel if he had to relive them more than once over and over. No, she couldn't let that happen to him. If she remembered her psyche class right, a person usually needed to talk about his or her problems with someone to set their mind to rest. She looked back at the now very resolute Xander face reflecting back at her. She would talk with Xander today, set a few things straight.   
  
Willow nodded her head. Since she was so determined, right now would be the best time to get the shower over with before she had to face another personal encounter with the tile floor; because she had her eyes closed!   
  
_Ok Willow. We are all grownups here. You and Xan have been friends since kindergarten school and if you could pull his pants down when you were in first grade 'cause he wanted to play with some other girl and had an eye full of his... penis, I said it! You sure can pull them down today 'cause you need a bit of scrubbing in very personal regions. Ya! I saw it once before, how different would this be?_    
  
Willow took a deep breath and took off the pajama bottoms and the boxers. Her eyes widened and she snapped them up when she uncovered what was hidden underneath.   
  
_O-kay... I guess a big difference._    
  
She began to giggle hysterically, the events of the night and early morning finally catching up with her. She stopped giggling when she got a familiar feeling down town.   
  
"Oh God, not this. Anything but this!" She had to pee. An eerie experience she was not glad to go through  _every day._  Even bathing seemed more appealing now. She was so nervous. And if she was not mistaken, men like women, didn't handle this situation well under pressure.   
  
Whimpering, she stood straight trying as best as she could to be calm as she relieved herself. After a couple minutes passed and nothing happened, she began to get irritated.   
  
"C'mon already! Eeep!" Willow made the mistake of... shaking too hard, causing the unwilling limb to react in a way Willow never wanted to feel again. Not after the embarrassing situation at the very first day on the construction site. Fortunately for Willow she still remembered the trick she used the last time to will Xan-junior down, and it worked. And with a prayer to whatever god out there that was watching over girls-trapped-in-boys-bodies-trying-to-pee, she soon did the deed as well.   
  
She washed her hands then looked at the shower and sniveled.   
  
_Next time Buffy gets stuck in the guy body!_  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Willow stood before the front door of the Harris' residence with a firm thought in her mind. The only way for her mind to be set at ease was to repay the bastard who called himself a father for the life he put his child through. She could absently feel the beatings the older Harris put upon his son because of trivial matters or for no reason at all. How he always put down his son and made him feel worthless throughout his childhood years, which was worse than any beating he had.   
  
She now understood why Xander liked to spend a lot of time at her and Jesse's houses. Trying to avoid his so called parents but in the end of the day he always went back to witness another shouting match that usually turned to him when he stepped through the door while his mother topped off her drink and pretended nothing was happening.   
  
Well, it ended today! Willow would tell Tony Harris that Xander would NOT be paying him back for the wedding. That money was a small compensation for all the pain his son went through. She pulled herself and made Xander's body stand tall. Tony Harris would never look down at Xander again. She knocked the door.   
  
Heavy footsteps could be heard from inside. The door swung open and cursing reached her ears followed by the stinky smell of alcohol.   
  
"Oh, it's you," Tony grumbled.   
  
Willow's blood began to boil. "Yeah, it's me." She answered curtly.   
  
Xander's father didn't notice the tone of the voice. "Did you bring my money?"   
  
"No," she replied crossing her arms. "And you are never getting anything from me."   
  
"Why you... you little shit!" Tony raised his hand to strike but Willow intercepted it and pushed him roughly inside causing to fall. She closed the door behind her just as the drunk man managed to stand steadily on his feet.   
  
Willow noticed Xander's mother sitting on the old couch watching the television with a glass in her hand that she sipped on when her husband blocked her vision of the T.V.   
  
Tony looked at his son with obvious hatred in his eyes. He was about to speak when Willow intercepted, "Don't talk! 'Cause I know whatever you're going to say and I don't want to hear it."   
  
Willow advanced him menacingly, adrenaline pumped through her veins when she saw the older man flinch back. "Now the reason I'm here is to tell you to get a job, 'cause you are not going to keep milking off me. Now if you were a good father, I wouldn't mind but, hey, we both know that isn't true, so why waste our time going there. I'm not going to give you a detailed description of what you did to me ever since I was a kid, 'cause, surprise, you were there!"   
  
Willow turned to glare at Xander's mother, but she was obviously more interested in what she was watching than what was happening in her own living room, and was in fact looking around the two standing men to see the T.V.   
  
Willow frowned and glanced at the T.V. to see what was so entrancing. She recognized it immediately from the amount of time Spike and, surprisingly, Giles had spent watching it.   
  
_I wonder what is so great about Passions._    
  
She shook her head and turned back and addressed the woman. "Mom!"  
  
Jessica Harris looked up at her annoyed.   
  
"Okay... I don't know what to say to you,  _mom_ , but you never stopped him, ever, you were only glad that he had me as a distraction from you. Well, the only thing I can say now is, enjoy, you're going to get his complete attention. And don't look at me like I'm betraying you, I tried to get you out of here, a lot, but every time you said no. So, you stay I'm going."   
  
Willow brought her gaze to the other parent who was trying to slink away. She easily caught him and held him by the collar. "And  _you_  will stay away from me and my friends, and..." she punched him hard on the jaw which caused the man to fall down with a thump. "I've always wanted to do that." With that she exited and slammed the door behind her.   
  
Jessica looked at her husband lying on the floor, rubbing his jaw and said, "You know you deserved that," and turned back to her T.V. show.  
  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Buffy yawned as she came down the stairs. She smiled when she heard the jingling of keys and the front door opened knowing that it was Willow. Her smile faded when she caught the sad look on Willow's Xander-face. "What's wrong?" she asked, worried.   
  
"Buffy, where's Xander?" Willow asked, ignoring Buffy's question.   
  
Buffy glanced upstairs in alarm. "Shh, Dawn may hear!" she hissed.   
  
Willow shook her head. "I don't care. I wanna talk to Xander."   
  
"Hi, Xander," Xander greeted Willow cheerfully as he exited the kitchen.   
  
Willow hurried towards him. "I want to talk to you!" she said in a firm tone.   
  
Xander looked concerned. "What's up?"   
  
"Let's go to the kitchen." Willow led him into the kitchen, leaving Buffy standing in the hall, confused. She sauntered towards the kitchen door and stood there listening/eavesdropping.   
  
Willow pulled out a chair and turned it around and sat down still feeling a little manly adrenaline rushing through her. Xander sat next to her feeling worried. What got Willow all grim faced? Was it something about Anya? Xander felt the joy in his pained heart at the thought of Anya returning back. But Buffy had said that Anya made it clear she was _never_  coming back. And Willow wouldn't look all grim faced if it was about her. It was something else then. Xander's heart started pounding at a more scary thought. What if Willow knew about him and Spike kissing?  
  
Willow looked at the nervous blonde all firm. "Why did you lie to me?" she asked calmly in a very deep voice.  _Aw. I'm doing the deep man voice thing._  She mentally squealed, then frowned.  _Get excited later. Be angry now._  She gave him her best Xander-resolve-face.   
  
"Uh..." Xander stuttered.  _She knows!_  He looked down at his hands on his lap. "Willow, I didn't mean to..."   
  
That made Willow feel a bit guilty. She put a hand on his shoulder soothingly. "It's okay Xander. I know it must have been hard on you."   
  
He looked at her and was about to jerk back, when he saw his own face looking at him with compassion.  _Am I ever gonna get used to that?_  
  
Willow noticed his panic and asked, "What's wrong?"   
  
"Uh... nothing. It’s just..." He looked at her nervously.   
  
She understood. "Oh um... it's okay. I get this a lot looking at myself in the mirror," she said smiling.   
  
Xander scoffed. "The mirror is nothing compared to the bathroom. I mean, how did you get to do the pee thing?"   
  
Willow blushed remembering her pee fiasco. "Um, Xan, I don't think I can talk about my peeing experience in your body with  _you_  right now. Come back to me in thirty years or so and we'll see."   
  
Xander blushed. "Oh, yeah, I see what you mean." He looked away.   
  
She took a deep breath, running a hand through her too short brown hair. "Oookay, back to your parents' subject."   
  
Xander frowned. "My parents?" he asked looking at her confused.   
  
She nodded. "Yes, we were talking about how hard it must have been for you to not tell me about it."   
  
_Oh, she was talking about my parents. Oh, she wasn't talking about Spike, she doesn't know about Spike. Oh... don't say 'oh', she's smart she'll know you weren't talking about your parents if you say 'oh'._  
  
"So... you had a dream about my parents?" he asked knowing that it was the only way she could know anything about him and his parents.   
  
"I had a dream about you leaving Anya," she answered.   
  
"Oh," he said returning his gaze to his hands.   
  
Willow looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry, Xander. I didn't know how confused your feelings were that day. I'm so sorry."   
  
Outside the kitchen, Buffy's eyes widened as she heard the things Willow said about those visions Xander had. She got so angry when she heard about the stuff Xander's parents did. Then, she was all scared when Willow started crying. It wasn't the fact of Willow crying that scared her, it was the fact of Willow crying in  _Xander's_  voice that startled her.   
  
Dawn heard the crying when she left her room. Her eyes widened when she recognized the voice.  _Xander's crying?_  She thought in horror.  _But Xander never cries!_  She headed down stairs quickly to see Willow listening to some conversation in the kitchen. "Willow!" she called.   
  
Buffy jerked then turned at her. "Hey Dawn," she said nervously.   
  
"What's wrong with Xander? Why is he crying?" Dawn asked, concerned.   
  
"It's okay, Buffy is talking to him right now."   
  
Dawn scoffed. "She better not say something stupid."   
  
Buffy's eyes narrowed. "Why do you say that? Buffy would never hurt Xander. She's his friend."   
  
"Yeah, right," Dawn snorted.   
  
Buffy got angry. "What's that supposed to mean?"   
  
"Oh c'mon, Will, you know sometimes Buffy is SO self-absorbed."   
  
Buffy looked hurt. "She... she isn't."   
  
Dawn was impressed. "You're pretty loyal to Buffy, aren't you?"   
  
Buffy pouted. "Of course I am. I'm the all loyal best friend."   
  
Dawn raised an eyebrow. "Whatever. You better get in there and see what happened. You're the best when it comes to Xander issues." She shrugged and went back to her room.   
  
In the kitchen, Xander was having a major freak out when he saw himself crying.  _Now I know why Anya freaked when I cried over Joyce's death._  "Oh, Willow, it’s okay." He patted her back.   
  
Willow sniffled. "No, it's not. I should have known a long time ago," she continued weeping and all Xander was thinking was,  _I look ridiculous._    
  
"Seriously, Will, the crying isn't the look for me," he said, desperately hoping she'd stop soon.   
  
Willow looked at him angry through her tears. "Stop joking! God, everything is like a joke to you?" She paused a minute and that was when the realization hit her. "Of course. You hide behind your jokes. You're hurting and then say a joke so no one will notice." She hugged the stunned blonde. "It's okay, sweetie, you don't have to hide from me."   
  
Xander tried to breath in Willow's tight hug. "I'm not hiding behind anything, Willow. I royally look stupid crying and I want you to stop."   
  
"I know, sweetie. I know." Willow said, humoring him while smoothing her hand over his back. He groaned and gave up, letting her embrace him. After few seconds he felt quite good.  
  
_This hugging thing is really nice._  He thought.   
  
Willow ended the hug and looked sadly at Xander. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone."   
  
"Hey," Xander began, as patted her on her arm. "It's not your fault. You didn't know. I never told you anything." He was hearing Spike's words in his head again.   
  
"But I used to notice you when you're upset and then I'd try to make you feel better. Now I never..." She trailed off unhappily.   
  
"Hey, it's not like I noticed when you were going through the rough time with magic, or Tara! I was so busy with planning my wedding to notice that my best friend was drowning and look how good that turned out!" he spoke satirically.   
  
She looked at him sorrowfully. "I wish you told me about those visions you had. Oh God, how horrifying they were, and all the pain I felt. That was..." She suddenly blushed. "Oh, sorry I mean the pain  _you_  felt."   
  
Xander gave a tiny smile recalling how he had mistaken himself with Buffy yesterday.   
  
"You know..."   
  
They turned their heads towards the redhead standing by the door. "I think we all were lousy friends this year." Buffy gave them a big smile. "Now that we know, we'll work hard on not doing that, right?"   
  
They nodded, giving small smiles.   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
At the Magic Box, Xander was behind the counter while Willow was researching through both magic and science books for a way to return themselves to their rightful bodies. Buffy had 'accidentally' forgotten her/Willow's study books back in the house so Willow, very bluntly, had told her to go get them.   
  
The doorbell jingled and simultaneously Xander and Willow looked up at the door. Tara entered the shop wearing a smile on her lips. Willow stood hasty and her heartbeats quickened, "Oh, hey, Tara," she greeted happily.   
  
Tara beamed at her, "Hey, Xander."   
  
_Oh right. I'm 'Xander',_  Willow thought gruffly and stiffly sat down.   
  
Tara turned to Xander. "Hi, Buffy." She looked around the consumer empty shop. "Where's Willow?" she asked.   
  
"She's getting her books. She'll be back in a minute," Xander said, smiling.   
  
"Ok, I'll wait for her then," Tara said heading to the table where Willow was sitting. Willow smiled at Tara, which caused the blond witch to frown at the unusual behavior Xander was expressing towards her. She sat down uncomfortably beside him since he showed real enthusiasm in choosing her a place to sit.   
  
Xander smiled while he dusted the cash register. Willow and Tara were cute acting all unsure and shy. But... Willow was being shy in his body; he hoped that Willow would remember that and not do anything he wouldn't do.   
  
_Oh I guess that wouldn't include smoochies with a certain blond British vampire, would it?_  His frowned.  _No, that's an exception; he's my blond British vampire._  He whimpered and covered his mouth and quickly glanced at the research table, thankfully no one heard.  _Shit, I'm experiencing a case of possessiveness, I wonder if this comes with the slayer whole package._    
  
Meanwhile, Willow was trying hard to concentrate on finding them a solution but she kept secretly glancing at Tara. Willow bit her lip as she noticed Tara playing with a string of her hair, the way she did when she was nervous.   
  
_She's all jumpy to see me._  Willow sighed and accidentally caught a whiff of Tara's perfume. It was Willow's favorite. She mentally groaned as her reminiscence awakened a part of her body. Men are really insatiable. She was immensely grateful for the table and the large book that helped her cover her groin.   
  
"So Tara," Willow said in a gruff tone that startled Tara.   
  
"Y-yes?" Tara asked hesitantly. She was really worried for Xander, he was acting very strange today.  
  
"Um, why do you want to see Willow? If I'm not nosing in or anything."   
  
"O-oh no it's just that I've seen Willow between classes, a-and she seemed to be doing really well... and well I sort of missed her... and..."   
  
"Oh!! Yes, Will has been no magic girl for a while now!" Willow said hastily. "She talks all the time about you and really wants to make everything better again, really!"   
  
Tara smiled at Xander's fumbling words. It was obvious that he really cared about his friend and it warmed her heart to see him wanting her and Willow to get back together.   
  
"Oh, that's really great. That w-was what I wanted to talk with her, too. I miss her and..."  
  
"She misses you, too!" Willow cut it happily barely stopping from throwing herself at the girl in front of her and telling her who she was and how much she loved her.  _And I can't tell her now, why again?_  Willow wrinkled her brow trying to remember.   
  
Xander couldn't stop the snickering while watching how clumsy Willow was acting. Which according to what everyone said was quite fitting on his body. He really wished Willow and Tara would get back together. Tara was so good to Willow and both of them were always adorable in their shy glances and soft kisses.   
  
The thought of kissing reminded Xander of Spike again. He tought of Spike's lips and kisses, of strong arms holding him, of the hard chest that was equally soft that he could lean on for hours.   
  
Tara noticed the dreamy look that shone in Buffy's eyes. She glanced back at Xander taking account that he was still intensely engrossed on whatever he was thinking about, she stood up and headed toward the counter which Buffy was lightly touching with her finger tips. Tara could unmistakably guess who she was daydreaming about.   
  
"Buffy."   
  
Xander was torn from Spike's lips at the sound of Tara's voice. "Uh-oh Tara! Something wrong?"   
  
"That was what I was about to ask you. How's things with Spike, has he stopped wanting... you know?"   
  
"What?" Xander asked barely keeping himself from shouting.   
  
"The thing you had with Spike, Buffy, remember you asked my advice on that and on how he could hit you?"   
  
Xander was experiencing a lot of feelings in the same moments but the most prominent ones were rage and betrayal on how Buffy could tell Tara and not them, her best friends.   
  
"Oh, yeah, 'cause I thought the reason he could hit me was because I was brought back wrong." Xander still remembered the words Spike shouted at him that first night and he quickly dismissed them.   
  
"Yes, but like I t-told you, you're not a demon just a little different, that let the c-chip think of you as non human, remember?" Xander nodded, feeling relief washing over the fear he felt a moment ago. "But how are things now, Spike isn't being a bother, is he? Isn't accepting that you told him... um, you're not s-seeing him, anymore?"   
  
"Um no, he's fine. You know the way Spike is." Xander chuckled impatiently. The phone ringing saved Xander from the question that was about to come out of Tara's lips.   
  
"Hello, you have reached the Magic Box, we provide you with your magically needs!"   
  
Tara frowned at him before going back to sit next to Willow.   
  
"Buffy, new slogan?"   
  
"Cordelia?" Xander looked down at the phone making sure it didn't have a 'make your day even weirder' spell on it. Well, if it did, who was Xander to know. "What wrong?"   
  
"Oh puh-leaze! It's not that because I call hellmouth central means that there's something bad going on."   
  
"Well, are you calling with good news?"   
  
Cordelia was quiet for a few seconds then replied with a huff, "No, it's not of the good."   
  
She then proceeded on telling Xander, or Buffy for her, on what happened. As Buffy must have known from Willow, Angel had a son now. When Xander replied that no, Willow hadn't said anything about that but for Willow's defense things weren't all puppy dogs and roses here either, Cordelia explained about everything from the beginning. About Darla getting pregnant, Connor's birth, Angel's old adversary and Wolfram and Hart and how the little child was thrown in a hell dimension with said adversary and was more than likely dead.   
  
"So how can I help?" Xander asked. He didn't like Angel but losing your son deserved some compassion.   
  
"Well, Angel needs to get away from the whole L.A. scene and taking the temptation from cracking the skulls of every lawyer in the city not to forget Wesley's of course. So we're coming to good ol' boring Sunnydale for a vacation," she said with a not so cheerful tone in her voice.   
  
"And that was your idea?" Xander asked skeptically.   
  
Cordelia huffed. "As if, that was all brood boy's idea. I think he expects seeing  _you_  to make his day or whatever, so I'm giving you the heads up."   
  
Xander started pondering what Angel would consider cheering up and the imagery was not pretty.   
  
"So," Cordy's voice sneaked into his head, "How did Xan's wedding go? I didn't get the invitation until after I came back from my vacation with Groo. You remember I told you about him."   
  
Xander sighed and retold the whole non-wedding event and strangely got a supportive ear from Cordelia. It seemed it took one vision seer to understand another.   
  
"Guess what, guys. L.A. is coming to town," he announced after he replaced the receiver.   
  
Willow started from her supposed reading, "Huh, why?"   
  
Before Xander could answer Tara looked at her watch and gasped. "Oh God, I have to go!" She picked her bag and hurriedly stood up. "I have a dentist appointment in fifteen minutes, bye Xander, bye Buffy!" Willow opened her mouth wanting to say anything to keep Tara from leaving. But the only thoughts that came to her were, how she could slowly torture Buffy for taking so long to get her books back.   
  
Tara was about to exit when Buffy came strolling in. "Sorry, I took so long but I couldn't find them and... Tara!" Buffy stopped in her tracks near the door and glanced at Willow who was now standing beside Xander in front of the counter giving her a 'if you ruin this, I'll hit you over the head with a shovel' look.  
  
Buffy gulped knowing that Willow's threats were not to be ignored. She took a deep breath.   
  
"Tara, what... what brings you here? That doesn't mean I don't want you here... it's just that I was wondering and I-I'm shutting up now!"   
  
Tara giggled. "I came here to see you. I wanted to talk about u-us," she said from under her lashes.   
  
"US! Well, I want us, let us be us... God!" Buffy covered her face with her hands. "I'm ruining this."   
  
Tara smiled, "No, you're not, sweetie. Listen I've gotta go, but can we talk tomorrow?"   
  
Buffy removed her hands and smiled widely, "Sure!"   
  
"Okay bye." Tara leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. Buffy, who was shocked by this, remembered her oath to do whatever she could to bring the two witches back together even if it meant kissing Tara, so she deepened the kiss.   
  
Xander and Willow gasped. Xander was thinking on the lines of,  _Oh great girl on girl action, huh, does this mean I'm bi?_    
  
Willow, on the other hand, was torn between feeling jealous that Buffy was kissing her soon-to-be-again-girlfriend or getting turned on, lucky, or unlucky, for her depending on the way you look at it was the latter. Willow quickly stood behind the counter to hide a certian body part. Xander noticed and raised an eyebrow, then turned his eyes back to the action.   
  
The deep kiss ended when the two girls had to breathe. They both blushed when they noticed their audience, and stepped away from each other, Buffy reminded Tara to come back tomorrow so they can talk. Tara nodded and left.   
  
When the door closed behind her, Tara touched her lips and frowned.  _That wasn't Willow._  She would come back tomorrow but she intended to come back with a little spell as well. With that thought firmly in place she ran to catch her appointment.   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Spike walked towards the Magic Box filled with satisfaction. He had found Warren and the others in the park. Yesterday after his talk with Buffy, he had immediately started looking for the geeks.   
  
They were still hiding in Warren's place. They hadn't run off to another house.  _Stupid little gits, they should know they are dealing with Spike._  
  
A smirk played on his lips as he spotted the Magic Box in front of him. It was time to tell Buffy and her chums. She was going to be extremely grateful.   
  
Three heads snapped up the second Spike entered the shop.   
  
Buffy's heartbeats quickened. "Why are you here, Spike?" her voice rose with panic.   
  
"I found Warren and his gits," Spike said calmly.   
  
"Who asked you to look for them in the first place?" she said, hands on hips, and her foot tapping impatiently.   
  
"The Slayer asked me." Spike said, annoyed.   
  
Buffy's eyebrow rose. "Oh, I think not."   
  
Xander gave her a nervous grin. "Yes, I did. I also told  _you_  that, don't you remember, _Willow_?" he said stressing on the name.   
  
"Oh," was all Buffy said.  _I forgot that Xander is the slayer now._  She giggled at the thought.   
  
Spike looked at the chuckling redhead fearfully.  _She crazy or what?_    
  
His wonder was cut by the brunet's voice. "You really found them? Oh, we should go there right now! Where are they? We can't just sit here when Spike just found them. We'd better go right now!" Willow babbled with enthusiasm.  _I'm going back to my body! I'm going to take a shower and stop worrying about this stupid penis!_  Willow thought eagerly.   
  
Spike nodded towards the door. "Follow me."   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
They reached the park. It seemed like Andrew and Jonathon were planning a ritual of some kind with Warren standing guard. Buffy jumped to stop the ritual and Xander attacked Warren.   
  
Willow was holding tightly onto Spike's arm and pointing at the three boys. "Do something, Spike! Help them. Help them."   
  
Spike looked up at the frightened young man.  _I knew the boy was a coward but this is ridiculous._  He snatched his arm from the boy's death grip. "C'mon, mate, you're a bloke. Have some bloody dignity for God's sake."   
  
Suddenly, Willow was aware of her behavior and straightened up her back. "Oh, yeah, I'll kick their asses and you keep watching for the demons." She walked over to the fight, trying to look tough.   
  
Spike stared at her, bemused. Well, that was wicked. Harris had practically said that Spike couldn't fight some bloody kids after Spike helped him pull his guts!  _I could wipe the ground with those losers in mere seconds if it wasn't for this bloody chip in my noggin,_  he thought, annoyed.   
  
Spike watched Harris walking all confident heading towards the fight. He looked too confident he was surely heading toward Warren.   
  
Willow pulled herself high and stared down at the nerd she confronted. "Hello, Jonathan!" she said all brave and secure.   
  
Poor short Jonathan looked up at the muscular dark-haired young man and shuddered. "Uh hi Xander, y-you look a bit taller and bigger from the last time I saw you," he stuttered fearfully.   
  
Willow gave him a huge grin, "Scary, huh?" That was when she threw herself at him. Jonathan gave a terrified squeal and ran for his life, which caused Willow to hit the ground. Tears gathered in Willow's brown eyes as she touched her wounded nose.   
  
"Ow!" She moaned pitifully before looking fumed at the frightened Jonathan. "I'll show you, Jonathan!" She roared standing up and running after the screaming short boy.   
  
Spike stared his mouth hanging open at the scene. Was that the Harris that had faced Spike when he had went after Red for the love spell? Speaking of Red, Spike admired her skilled moves in beating the hell out of the blond boy.   
  
_Where'd she learn to flip like that?_  It was like he was watching The Slayer herself.   
  
He looked at Buffy, who was handling Warren just fine. But strangely wasn't in her usual slayer mood. He had noticed that lately, especially after that incident when she tried to kill her friends. It was like she had just learned how to fight; maybe she lost her fighter spirits. He knew he would if he was brought back from heaven. He snorted at that thought.   
  
His eyes narrowed when Warren threw the blonde slayer to the ground and pulled out a revolver and pointed it at her. Without thinking, Spike threw himself at Warren to protect Buffy. The chip went off causing him unbearable pain but he didn't back down. He snatched the gun and punched Warren feverishly for trying to hurt his girl.   
  
Xander looked at Spike with wonder in his eyes. Spike risked the immense pain to save his life.  _Buffy's life!_  His mind screamed at him but he shut that out. He was helped up by Buffy and Willow and the three friends locked eyes with the three nerds.   
  
Suddenly, Jonathan threw a ball onto the ground and it exploded into a cloud of smoke. Buffy yelled in Willow's voice, "You better leave town 'cause if I find you, you three are going down, hard!"   
  
Spike blinked, surprised to feel someone slowly helping him up. He looked down into the green eyes but they turned quickly to see if her friends were okay. Spike sighed and gently removed her hand from his arm. He could wait. She was just beginning to treat him with respect. He wouldn't push her.   
  
Xander was surprised to feel Spike removing his hand and when he saw the hurt look in Spike's eyes, he wished he could kick himself. He was about to say something when Buffy's voice stopped him.   
  
"Spike, do you know where they keep their stuff?"   
  
Spike stiffly nodded and took them to Warren's house.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
The three friends stood in front of the trio's belongings that they had brought from Warren's place. It was now spread all over Buffy's dining room table. They varied from computer programming to magical herbs and there was also a magic bone? Xander looked at Buffy. "Is there's something you can use to help us with our situation, Will?" He asked looking at Buffy but actually speaking to Willow.   
  
Willow stared at some of the gear. "Yes, Willow. With the computer memory we copied and the different magic books that were bookmarked I guess it might be useful," she said to Buffy, who understood the message.   
  
Buffy nodded. "I think I could make use of some of this stuff, guys."   
  
Spike stood by the door of the dining room. He had no clue what the three young humans were yapping about. It wasn't any of his business, anyway. He was fighting the sharp headache in his brain that was still ringing since he had attacked Warren.   
  
"Hey," a hand rested on his arm. A soft voice asked, "Are you alright?"   
  
He turned to see his blonde girl looking at him with concern. He gave her a reassuring smile.  
  
Xander smiled at him. "Hey, let me walk you to your crypt."   
  
They started walking when Buffy's Willow-voice broke in, "Uh Buffy? Where are you going?"   
  
Xander and Spike turned and Xander answered. "I'm walking Spike to his crypt," he said it like it was the most natural thing in the world.   
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Why?"   
  
"He was the one who found the geeks and he saved my life activating his chip, least I can do is return the favor," he answered.   
  
"When did you start to care about Spike?" Buffy alleged.   
  
It was Xander's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Since he took care of my sister after I died and helped save your lives when I was away, not to mention he saved mine tonight, _Willow_."   
  
Spike looked at the redhead with astonishment. Last he remembered, Willow was the only one who treated him decently, but tonight she had shown a lot of aggression towards him.   
  
"Oh, c'mon, Willow," Willow said to Buffy. "Spike helped tonight. The least Buffy can do is walk him home. He must still hurt from the chip."   
  
Spike stared at the young man with shock.   
  
Xander smiled at Willow and then took the stunned vampire's arm, waving at his friends. "I won't be late."   
  
Spike was trying to get some words out. Xander laughed at him. "What's wrong with you?"   
  
"Did the boy just say something nice about me?" Spike asked.   
  
"Is it hard to believe?"   
  
Spike gave him a look.   
  
"I guess it is," Xander said, a little disappointed.   
  
Spike didn't seem to notice Xander's distress when he asked, "Well, he's been different tonight. I mean did you see how sissy he'd acted? 'S if he never fought with vampires or demons before, and they were just three shorter, weaker, soddin' humans!"   
  
Xander flinched.  _Why wasn't Buffy the one in my body?_  He thought, disappointed. He looked at Spike with a sweet smile. "I'm sure he acted that way because of his depression over Anya. He'll be back to his brave self in no time."   
  
_I hope._  He crossed his fingers.   
  
Spike snorted. "His brave self, eh?" He chuckled. "Yeah, right."   
  
Xander caught himself before stupidity punching the chuckling vampire. Spike thought he was a wuss. He was surprised that the idea of Spike thinking he was chicken made him upset.  _Since when did I care what he thought of me?_  He wondered. Maybe since they had started making out.   
  
It wasn't just that. Since Spike had hugged him yesterday in the Magic Box, he was all Xander was thinking about. Xander also wanted to be with the bleached vampire more than his own friends. It seemed to him that Spike knew him more than himself, with all the things he said yesterday in the shop.  _Is that why Buffy went to him instead of us, her friends? Is it because he's kinda understanding?_  
  
"Why are you quiet?" Spike asked.   
  
"Nothing, I was just thinking."   
  
Spike frowned worriedly. "You alright?" he asked softly.   
  
Xander chuckled, "Yes, I'm fine, mom."   
  
Spike hesitated for a moment before he laid a hand on Xander's arm. "You know I'm here for you, whenever you needed me." Xander smiled kindly at him, while he continued, "I'll always be there for you. Everything for you, Buffy. I love you."   
  
Suddenly, Xander's smile faded. Of course. Buffy. That was why he was nice to him. This was all for Buffy, the care, the kindness, the LOVE.   
  
He looked at the loving expression on Spike's face and his heart broke. All the times he thought it was just lust that Spike felt for Buffy, he was so wrong.   
  
And what was more wrong was that he was using Spike's love for Buffy for himself. The kisses he got for comfort, Spike thought he was kissing Buffy, that wasn't right. If Spike found out that the person in front of him wasn't Buffy but Xander, he would...  
  
Xander didn't know what Spike would do, but knew it wouldn't be anything good. Besides, the whole thing was just wrong.   
  
"Lost in thoughts again?" Spike said smiling down at him.   
  
Xander bit his lip, eyes downcast. He had to tell him the truth. He couldn't use him like that.   
  
Spike's look changed into worry. "Something wrong, Buffy?"   
  
Xander shut his eyes forcefully.  _I am not Buffy!_    
  
"Luv?"   
  
Xander looked up miserably at the concerned blond. "Spike, there's something I need to tell you."   
  
Spike touched his arm lightly, looking alarmed. "What is it?"   
  
Xander looked straight at Spike before saying firmly, "Angel is coming to Sunnydale."   
  
That was the truth, but not the truth Xander was supposed to say. He couldn't say who he really was. He didn't want to lose Spike. Not when Angel was coming. He would tell Spike the truth after Angel left.   
  
Spike hugged Xander into his arms protectively. "Don't worry, pet. He won't bother you. Not when I'm here."   
  
Xander felt his heart twist with guilt. Spike thought he was upset because of Angel. _Well, I am. But that's not it right now._  He was more upset because Spike was being nice to him but not actually to him.  _This is so messed up._    
  
He had just noticed that they were inside Spike's crypt. His chest was hurting so much. With Angel coming and the horrible feeling he had, Xander wanted comfort and wanted to feel safe.   
  
He looked up leaned forward and pressed his lips to Spike's. He enjoyed the feeling of the cool tongue sweeping into his mouth, taking all the stress away. He cupped Spike's head with his hands and pushed himself up to reach Spike. He forced his tongue to reach as far as it could in the vamp's cooler mouth. The moment Xander felt Spike's hard-on, he moaned with pleasure. That was when Spike's hands moved under Xander's shirt. When Xander realized what Spike was about to do, he pulled back.   
  
Panting, Xander shook his head. "No, just kiss me," he said and Spike did with no second thought.   
  
They kissed for hours and Xander wished it would last forever. He pushed away all the thoughts about Angel and Cordelia coming to town away along with the thought of Spike thinking he was kissing Buffy. He wanted to enjoy the moment while it lasted.  
  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**  
  
  
  
  
"So, that's all you're taking?"   
  
Xander asked looking at Dawn who was packing her over night bag.  _Is she going over to her friend's house? From the looks of the bag she's stuffing she's going overseas._  He thought, amused.  
  
Dawn turned her head towards her supposedly sister, not noticing the surprised manner she was addressed with. "Yep, it's all for the sake of Algebra."   
  
"I don't get it. What's Angel and Cordy's visit got to do with you not being able to study Algebra?" Xander asked, bemused.   
  
"I told you. With Cordelia bitching around and Angel moping about his lost son, which how again? I thought vamps can't have kids. Anyway, I won't be able to study. Besides, with me gone, Cordy can have my room and Willow won't have to share the bed with her."   
  
Xander chuckled at the idea of Buffy sharing a bed, her mother's bed, with Queen C herself. As for Dawn, he knew the young girl was lying. She had never actually liked either Angel nor Cordelia. When he was in high school, Dawn had this major crush on him. She hated Cordelia for dating him and because he hated Angel, she hated him, too. They used to make plans together to make Angel look stupid in front of Buffy and Joyce.   
  
 _Ah, the good old days._    
  
He smirked at Dawn and said, "Oh, really?"   
  
Dawn didn't get his tone as she replied, "Ye-ah?" she opened her mouth to question him about what he meant.   
  
That was when they heard a car's horn beeping. "That's must be Janice's mom!" she exclaimed, taking her bag and giving her older sister/Xander a kiss on the cheek.   
  
Xander watched her running out of the room and called. "Take care!"   
  
Dawn ran into the redhead/Buffy that was standing by the stairs. "Bye, Willow!" she said as she passed her.   
  
Buffy looked at Dawn uneasily and followed her outside. "I'm still not sure that's a really good idea. I mean we're not gonna be in the house much, you can study here as much as you like!" she called out to her sister's retreating back.   
  
Dawn said "hi" to the woman behind the wheel and opened the car door then turned to look at Buffy. "Quit babbling, Willow. I'm going and that's the end of it." She got inside and closed the door.   
  
"But..." Buffy couldn't carry on as the car drove away, leaving her standing. Xander stood next to her and patted her back. "She's gonna be fine," he said softly.   
  
"I know," she replied, sighing.   
  
"C'mon, let's go to the Magic Box and wait for Willow to get back from the site."   
  
Suddenly, Buffy's throat dried up. "She's gonna freak when she knows that I blew her exam."  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
The bell jingled announcing someone entering the shop. Xander came out of the back room. "Welcome to the Magic Box how may I... Will, hi!" he greeted his friend cheerfully.   
  
Willow was nowhere near cheerful; shuffling across the room hunching all the way, sounding pitiful grunts. Xander looked her over, overlooking her haggard state he asked, "How was the work day for our working man?"   
  
Willow looked at him, angry that he would dare ask such a question. "They made us haul bricks, no, HUGE bricks all day. What do they think we are, animals!?"   
  
Xander smirked, "Well, that's just a regular day for the Xan-Man."  
  
Willow hobbled past him to the training room with just a glare to make her point. "I'm going to take a shower."   
  
Xander shook his head in amusement. Who would've thought being switched could be fun. With that refreshing thought, he followed his friend.   
  
Willow was taking off her shirt as he entered. She held it in a way that could only be interpreted as disgust.   
  
She looked at the stinky shirt and wrinkled her nose. "Why do men sweat SO much?!" she muttered, grimacing at the offending garment.   
  
"Well, I think it has something to do with cleansing the body of deadly poisons or something," a feminine voice answered her.   
  
Willow shrieked and turned around still hold the soggy shirt. "Xander, you scared me!"   
  
"My bad, I used my slayer-y stealth on you," he said with no real regret in his voice.   
  
"What are you doing here, anyway?!"   
  
Xander looked around then answered slowly as if he were talking to a child, "I work here."   
  
"Oh." Willow felt silly, but then looked him in the eye. "I meant why did you follow me in here?" she asked in a less then confident tone knowing that Xander didn't believe her but silently begged her friend to give her some slack.   
  
Luckily for her, Xander didn't say anything about it but instead he calmly pointed at a duffle bag near the door. "I was going to give you some of my clothes."   
  
"Oh, okay. Thanks." She felt even more stupid. Absentmindedly, she started to unbutton her worn-out jeans when she suddenly stopped, and raised her head to look accusingly at Xander.   
  
"Hello, I'm getting ready to shower here!"   
  
" _Hello_ , that's my body you're getting ready to shower there. There's nothing there that I haven't seen before."   
  
Xander approached her tapping on her head. "Xander head." Then the shoulders. "Xander shoulders." Then he slid his hands down the arms. "Also Xander ar.." He stopped and ran his hands over the arm again. He squinted his eyes as if to look closely but the room was too dark. Frowning, he practically ran to the wall before clicking on the lights and running back to Willow to stop as his eyes widened comically reminding Willow of a cartoon character.   
  
Xander couldn't believe what he was seeing. Could it be true, could Willow actually be capable of doing such a horrifying act?   
  
"WILLOW! You shaved my arms!!!" He was beyond yelling at that point.   
  
Willow smiled. "Oh, and your belly too, see!" she said cheerily pointing at said hairless abdomen.   
  
Xander made a whimpering sound. Willow frowned. "What's wrong? I thought you'd like."   
  
"LIKE! Will, you shaved my body!!"   
  
Willow huffed, running her hand over the now smooth hairless arm. "Well  _I_  was doing you a favor. It was icky and... hairy. Anyway, your work pals thought it was really nice."   
  
"WHAT!" Xander cried out.   
  
"Yep, they were way nicer than you are now. They said that I was all soft and smooth like a kitty and they winked at me." Willow smiled remembering at least the nicest thing that happened to her today.   
  
Xander was out of breath. He felt like passing out. "They said...and did, what?! God, they think I'm gay!"   
  
Willow looked offended. "They do not!" She stopped, remembering the whistling and cat calls. "Well, there is nothing wrong if you are gay," she said weakly.   
  
"There is IF I AM NOT!"   
  
 _Yep, not gay here. So what if I spent the better part of last night in a lip lock with Spike, a very hot yet very male vampire. See not gay... nope. Bi more like it._  Xander moaned. _Great time to have a sexual realization when I am now technically a different sex. Just a normal week in the life of Xander Harris._    
  
Xander looked over his true body then he gazed into his brown eyes intently. "I want you to answer me honestly. Did you shave anywhere else?"   
  
Willow bit her lip and fidgeted. An act very disturbing to see performed by Xander's large body. "Um… anything that I thought wasn't...necessary? I was bored!"   
  
"Oh, and a sure cure to boredom is shaving my body from head to toe!" He looked at his now short brown strands. "Okay, maybe just trimmed the hair. But what about. my..." He took a deep breath readying himself for the answer. "Please, tell me my gorgeous penis has not been de-manhood-ed as well."   
  
Willow grimaced. "‘De-manhood-ed’ and gorgeous? Full much? To answer that grammatically in so many ways wrong question. Eeew and No!"   
  
Xander sniffed. "I have it from reliable sources that I am well attached."   
  
"'Reliable sources'? Xander, you only slept with Anya!"   
  
"Hey! Don't forget Faith! Oh wait, I don't think she noticed it long enough since she..." Xander was brought to a halt remembering his 'encounter' with the crazy slayer.   
  
 _Glad I got stuck in this slayer._    
  
Willow looked worriedly at Xander. "Are you okay?"   
  
"Never mind, you need to get into that shower. You're beginning to stink."   
  
"Hey, that's your manly body that is stinking, mister."   
  
"Not minus a gorgeous penis, thank God."   
  
"Xander, you are SO gross. One would think you like to gaze at it."   
  
"You mean you don't?"   
  
"GOD, XANDER!! Men are SO disgusting!"   
  
"What is this interesting conversation all about?" Buffy asked, entering the training room.   
  
"I was just pointing out that..."   
  
"Nothing!" Willow cut Xander off. She didn't want Buffy to know the recent banter about her gorgeous penis.  _Xander's gorgeous penis!_    
  
She quickly distracted Buffy by asking, "Oh, Buffy? How's my exam?"   
  
Buffy's features changed as she stammered, "Oh... I wanna know first about the discussion you had with Xander." She turned to Xander for support.   
  
"Buffy, exam, tell." Willow's facial facade looked murderous.   
  
Xander pushed Willow to the shower with some help from his slayer strength. "Better take a shower, Will. You stink!" he whooped.   
  
Willow fell in the shower and looked at Xander with wide eyes as if she was betrayed or something. Xander smiled sheepishly and dragged Buffy outside.   
  
After a few minutes, Willow came out of the bathroom not at all pleased. It usually took her an hour, in the bathroom, at least, to feel clean. She looked at her best friends who were sitting at the round table. "I don't feel clean. I wanna have a bath," she pouted.   
  
Buffy gestured at Xander. "I bet you wish you had those three hundred baths Xander took this morning. He reeks of my soap."  
  
Xander glared at her.  _Well, of course I'm gonna have to wash Spike's scent off me so your precious gloomy vampire won't get a sniff of him._  He replied to her silently then got an evil gleam in his eyes.   
  
"A gi-rl should smell her best when her ex-boyfriend is coming." He swiftly hid under the table when Buffy abruptly threw a book at him.   
  
"Not one of Giles' book!" Willow shouted as she rushed to examine the book now residing face down on the floor.   
  
Buffy only spared her a second of her attention raising an eyebrow at how Willow 'comforted' the upturned book, caressing it softly as she picked it up. Buffy then looked with a fake glare towards Xander.   
  
"You! What are you intending to do?"   
  
Xander gave Buffy the 'I'm cute and innocent so why are you looking at me like that?' look. "What are you saying?" he asked coyly with some blinks for extra effect.   
  
Buffy laughed out loud. "Oh, let's see, what would Xander say to Angel? Since you hate his guts you..." Suddenly she frowned then looked at Xander who pretended to look elsewhere. "You better not say anything bad to Angel and let him think it was me who...!"   
  
Xander cut her off calling out Willow. "Oh right Will, you didn't ask Buffy about the exam." He smirked at Buffy's flinch.   
  
Willow looked at Buffy. "Oh yeah, tell me Buffy. How did you do?"   
  
Buffy looked at her nervously. "I-I ...I did ..." The doorbell's jingle saved Buffy's life, literally, chiefly when it was Tara who entered.   
  
"Tara!" Buffy yelped happily running to hide behind Tara. "Please, Tara, save me from big scary Xander," she pleaded.   
  
"Oh it's alright, Will." Tara patted the shivering redhead and wondered about the livid look in Xander's eyes.  _I've never seen Xander this upset with Willow, except that time when she and Anya were fighting and got him in the middle of it all._    
  
The dark haired boy pointed at her girlfriend saying dangerously, "She better not have failed the exam!"   
  
Tara raised an eyebrow.  _Xander is worried that Willow would fail an exam? ... Oh! That reminds me what I'm here for._  She turned towards the quivering redhead.   
  
"Um sweetie, could you come here?"   
  
"You'll protect me from mean ol' Xander?" Buffy, in the body of Tara's girlfriend, pouted.   
  
"Yeah, yeah."   
  
She took the younger witch by her hand and let her stand near the other two Scoobies. She pointed scornfully at the young man. "Don't you hurt her!" she said in a phony stern voice.   
  
Before Willow, in Xander's body, could reply, Tara quickly slipped her hand into her handbag and pulled out a scarlet pouch. She waved it and sprinkled pearly dust all over the three Scoobies. She mumbled some unrecognizable words then gazed at the startled three.   
  
Tara's eyes got wide at the sight in front of her. There was Willow looking very comfortable in the big space she was wrapped up in- Xander's body. Next to it, there was Buffy inside Willow's body and... Tara tried to hold back her giggles at the sight of Xander's big body that was ensnared in Buffy's tiny little body.   
  
"Tara, what's going on?" Willow asked from inside of the big mass that is Xander. Her voice was carried along with Xander's, whose mouth moved with Willow's words. However, only Tara heard Willow's true voice because only she saw Willow inside of Xander's body.   
  
Tara only gave a seductive smile at her real girlfriend and walked slowly towards her. Though mindful of their audience, she put her arms around Willow's neck and looked up into her hazel eyes. Willow looked down at her confused, which was when Tara raised herself up to place her lips on Willow's. Quickly, Willow recovered from her shock and kissed Tara back. Her arms went around Tara holding her tight and she pressed her manly body to her.   
  
Xander and Buffy exchanged looks and debated silently if they should leave the two alone.   
  
Willow was so into the kiss that she wasn't aware of her hard on. Tara, however, was aware of it pressing against her body. The blond witch backed up breaking the kiss. "Oh, oh, that's new," she said with a blush.   
  
Willow also had a blush on her cheeks, staring down at Tara. "How did you know?" She asked in a whisper afraid that if she spoke louder Tara would leave. Tara looked her over noticing that the small illuminating spell she had placed on them had ended.   
  
Tara raised an eyebrow. "Oh, c'mon, Will. You're better than that. Didn't you sense the magic in the pouch?"   
  
Willow shrugged. "Well, it's hard to tell when you're a non-magical person."   
  
Buffy was trying to work things out in her mind. "Okay, so um... you know?"   
  
Tara turned to face the redhead, who should have been to be her girlfriend, and smiled.  
  
"Yes, Buffy." She turned to the blonde and her smile got bigger. "Hi Xander. How's life in a girl's body treating you?"   
  
Xander was impressed of how Tara's personality had grown more confident this year. It was a good change. She finally started to feel like one of the Scoobies and he was glad. She was good for Willow and good for the gang, too. He returned her smile. "I'm coping." He shook his head with an exaggerated sigh   
  
Buffy smacked him lightly on the arm. "Hey, it's not that bad being me!"   
  
Xander just smiled at her.  _You have no idea._  With that thought, Xander's mind reviewed all the advantages of him being in Buffy's body. Living in this tight, soft, well-curved, small body, yet being all strong and able to kick some -a LOT of- demon ass and not to forget getting all the tasty Spike smoochies... disturbing how that counted as a good thing.  
  
Tara's question shook him from his thoughts. "So, who caused this mess?"   
  
Xander snorted. "Who do you think? It's the Trio Geeks."   
  
"Who?"   
  
"He means Warren and his buddies. They shot us with a magical laser and the long, and short story, we exchanged bodies. We caught them yesterday but they got away," Buffy answered her.   
  
"I wonder where they are," Willow voiced her thoughts.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Somewhere on the road near Mexico…   
  
  
 _They just had to pack all the comics. Because of them, we almost forgot the Star Trek action figures. I'm gonna ditch them for real lackies the minute we reach Mexico._ Warren grunted and tried to get even closer to the window. They had hitchhiked and were picked up by this truck driver and were now squished all three of them not to mention the huge trucker in front.   
  
Jonathan whimpered and tried to shrink back towards Andrew and away from the big hairy man.  _I know he was looking at my goods. Oh God, he wants to make me his buttmonkey._  He glared sideways, since it was almost impossible for him to move in the tight cabin, at Warren.  _It is all his fault! He wanted to kill the slayer and her friends and, I bet, leave me and Andrew to take the fall. Gotta Andrew away from him the minute we set foot in Mexico._    
  
As the two 'former' members of the Trio 'plotted,' Andrew was having all together different thoughts.  _We are going to Mexico! That is SO cool. And I'll be shacked up with Warren, who is totally hot and Jonathan who is just plain cute. Ah, the fun!_  He giggled. He was the only one relishing their tight squeeze since he was sandwiched between the two.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Back at the Magic Box...  
  
  
It was sunset when Tara heard the whole story; weird dreams and funny experiences included. It took her a long time to understand a word amid all that interrupting shared between Buffy, Xander and Willow. It seemed that they all wanted to tell the story him/herself as if they were some five year olds. For that, she gave them a parental disapproving look. All three promptly shut their mouths and stared at the floor shamefaced. Tara then nodded at Willow to explain from the beginning. She was not worried about her Willow-babble. She wouldn't be her girlfriend without it. However, it did sound somewhat strange in Xander's voice.   
  
Eventually, Tara looked at Willow with wonder. "Why didn't you tell me all of this? I could've helped."   
  
Willow looked at her forlornly. "I know. It's just that you've been through a lot this year because of me so I didn't want to bother you even more."   
  
Tara couldn't help the smile that came to her lips. The 'Willow-sad-and-pitiful-eye' look that she always gave when she was guilty or depressed made the Xander face look extremely adorable.   
  
She touched the muscular arm, gazing into the big sad brown eyes. "Next time, I want you to tell me if you're in some sort of trouble regardless of whatever is happening between us, okay?"   
  
Willow nodded with a smile, almost exploding with joy at the touch. Her eyes glazed over remembering their kiss earlier.  _We are getting back together. I think being in Xander's body calls for a mind Snoopy dance, woohoo!_    
  
Tara then turned to face the redhead. "Okay, I understand not telling me or Dawn, but why didn't you call Giles? He would've helped."   
  
"No," Buffy stated firmly. "Giles must not know about this. We can handle it ourselves."   
  
All of a sudden, they heard the shop doorbell, as a customer came in. An old man looked at Xander, smiling. "Are you the owner of this shop, young lady?" he asked politely.   
  
Xander nodded.   
  
"I'm looking for some items. Could you please help me?"   
  
"Right a way, sir!" Xander said merrily and gave Willow a nod to follow. Willow followed Xander behind the counter to help since Xander still couldn't recognize all the items in the shop.   
  
Tara's eyes haven't left Buffy's bent Willow-face. She moved to sit next to her and laid a comforting hand on Buffy's arm.   
  
"Giles," Buffy started. "He left because he thought I depended on him too much, that I wasn't responsible." She looked with a sad smile at Tara. "And he was right. Hence us not telling him, I can't look at him and see the disappointed look in his eyes again."   
  
Tara squeezed her hand. "I'm sure he won't be disappointed. He'll understand that you needed him and..."   
  
"No!" Buffy shook her head more firmly. "We can do this. We're adults, we'll find a way."   
  
"Buffy, even adults need help sometimes."   
  
Buffy looked at her. "Well, we have you, Tara. You're gonna help us with this, right?"   
  
"Yes, but..."   
  
"Problem solved. There's no need for Giles." Buffy gave Tara the puppy eyes look, taking the advantage of being in Willow's body. [I]C'mon Tara, it's me, Willow. You can't say no to these puppy eyes.[/I] Tara looked into those big green eyes that belonged to her lover and just couldn't resist.   
  
She sighed in defeat. "Alright, but if we don't find a solution soon, we're calling Mr. Giles."   
  
Buffy shrugged. "Whatever." She then grinned joyfully, looking at Xander trying yo talk magic language to the old man when Willow's help.   
  
Tara smiled at Buffy's grin. Although it was on Willow's face, it still reminded her of the happy look Buffy had when she came to her birthday party in her house. This year she and Buffy had this close friendship that she wouldn't give up for the world. It had all started when Buffy told her about her 'affair' with Spike.   
  
Tara sulked for a moment and slowly turned her head towards Xander. He was giving the receipt to the costumer and telling him to come back again as he left the shop. Xander already mentioned that he had come across Spike, question was, had Spike let it slip about him and Buffy?  
  
Speak of the Devil, Spike entered the Magic Box. Tara noticed Buffy tense.  
  
"What are doing here, Spike?" The redhead asked with panicked tone looking at her watch. Soon Angel would be here and she couldn't stand a fight breaking out in the shop. And that would be more than likely if the history between the two vampires meant anything. They could break something.  _Who would've thought? I'm thinking like Anya, gotta disinfect the shop as soon as possible._  
  
"Been a long time since I saw the old poofter. Last I saw of him, he was hanging around with hot pokers sticking out of him. I'd like to see how he got over it?" Spike smirked around a cigarette.   
  
Xander rolled his eyes at the stupid cover story.   
  
Spike was taken back by the evil glare that he received from the redhead. He didn't know why Willow would be angry like that about what he said. Xander grabbed Spike's arm pulling him to the back room and away from the deadly look. "C'mon Spike, let's go train some."   
  
"Why do you wanna train now, Buffy?" Buffy asked Xander anxiously, fearing her luck would run out and Spike would talk about what happened between them. "Angel is gonna be here any minute."   
  
"Well, until he comes I could use some advantage of the not-so-evil-one here in training," Xander replied, dragging Spike with him to the training room.   
  
Buffy shrugged, not giving what he said much thought since she noticed Xander taking every chance he could to train.   
  
Tara eyed Xander with suspicion and followed him and the vampire after making sure that Buffy and Willow were too engrossed in talking about some make up exam to notice her.   
  
She peeked into the training room from the ajar door, her eyes widened at the sight of _Xander_  trying to kiss Spike. She slowly backed away from the door and walked back towards the others, thinking that with her standing there, Spike could sense her or worse, that Willow and Buffy would suspect and discover everything and a completely new problem would ensue. She was determined to ask Xander about it later.   
  
Inside the training room, Spike stopped Xander from kissing him with a gentle hand, and looked at the glaring green eyes and the tempting pouting lip. "Don't think it's a good idea, pet. Don't suppose you want your ex-lover Caveman smelling me on you?"   
  
Xander groaned with aggravation. "Guess we don't want that, right?"   
  
Spike scowled. "Don't give a sod 'bout that ponce. If we had it my way, I would've shagged you so hard you would say 'Angel who?'" Spike smiled at the blush that spread through the girl's cheeks and the rich smell of womanly arousal. The thing that got to him was that she had never blushed like this before. Bloody hell, she had changed so much in the last few days, and he loved every single change so far.   
  
A flushed Xander eased himself from Spike's hold. "Well, we sure can't have that right now. I mean I don't want anyone knowing about us." Xander didn't miss the hurt on the vampire's face, "...yet." He finished and Spike looked at him with disbelief.   
  
Xander smiled gently at him. "Yes, when the time is right, I'm gonna tell everyone about our relationship."   
  
 _Our relationship? She never thought that way about our thing before._  Spike thought.  
  
A smile that broke Xander's heart curled up on Spike's lips. "Really?"   
  
Xander nodded without thinking. Spike approached him smiling down at him. "You have no idea how much I want you right at this moment, Buffy."   
  
Xander's smile faded at the mention of his best friend name. Right, Spike thought he was Buffy, and Xander had just promised him he that he was going to tell everyone about 'their relationship', which was in fact Spike and Buffy's relationship. He was making all theses choices in Buffy's life without her knowing about it, just because he had feelings for...   
  
Xander felt his stomach heaving. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he feeling like this towards a soulless vampire? God, it only had been barely three weeks since his break up with Anya and he was already thinking about being with someone else. Spike, for God's sake! Sure, he discovered another side of the vampire that he liked but that didn't mean he had to make out with him! Especially with Spike thinking he was Buffy and all. Suddenly he felt sick.   
  
He looked away from Spike who eyed him worriedly. "What is it, luv?"   
  
Xander didn't meet his eyes. "Nothing, I just... Angel and Cordelia are coming soon. We'd better get out there before everyone suspects anything," he said as he quickly walked out the door.   
  
Spike stood there for a second wondering if he had jinxed them, then followed him, bewildered.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Less then an hour later, they heard brakes as a car stopped in front of the shop. They stood quickly when Cordelia entered the Magic Box. She smiled at her high school friends. "Hi guys, long time no see." Then she turned towards Tara. "Hi, you must be Tara, right?"   
  
Tara just smiled and nodded.   
  
Cordelia looked at the bleached vampire. "Hi Spike, still chipped?"   
  
Spike raised an eyebrow at the girl's... no, the woman's mature look, not to mention hot. She was wearing a navy blue V-neck shirt that was tight on her ample breast. Her hair was blonde and very short, its style making her look older than her real age.  
  
Spike didn't hate the change, in fact, he really liked it. He just smirked and nodded, while Buffy, Xander and Willow gaped like gold fish. Cordelia looked much older than her twenty-one years. She looked adult and grown up, whilst the trio of friends still looked like some older teenagers.   
  
 _Her hair!_  Willow thought with astonishment.  _Is short... too short._  She frowned.  _I prefer her long hair. It was so beautiful. Oh, just the thought of it running between my fingers makes me drool._  Her eyes widened with dread at that thought.  _Drool? Where did that came from? I am not drooling over Cordelia Chase! It's all because of those stupid dreams where I, Xander, kissed her in the closets, or is it because I'm in Xander's body? Yes, that's it! I mean Cordelia? No way!_    
  
 _Blonde?_  Buffy thought with disgust.  _Seriously, Cordy, this color is not for you. What the hell happened to your sense of fashion? Did you lose it when you went to LA? Not that I ever thought Miss I'm-better-then-you-all ever had any fashion sense._    
  
 _She's wearing colored lenses. Her eyes are silvery blue now._  Xander thought dreamily. _I've always loved blue eyes, they're my favorite._  The now blonde slayer suddenly frowned. Thinking about it, all the women he had interest in had brown/hazel or green eyes, but never blue.  _When did I start to like blue?_  He pictured in his mind a pair of bright crystal blue eyes.   
  
Then, a tall dark figure entered gradually. He looked around but didn't catch anyone's eyes. Instead, he stood beside Cordelia but still in a way behind her. Buffy and Willow's hearts softened at the lost look in Angel's eyes. They could never come to grasp how it was to lose a child.   
  
On the other hand, Xander and Spike were eyeing Angel warily. Both of them had had several baths, hoping Angel would not detect their scents on each other.  
  
Angel, who was too lost in his own misery to sniff any doubtful smells, finally looked up at the blonde girl standing next to Spike. He slowly approached her and hugged her tightly seeking the kind of comfort he could only get in her arms.   
  
Xander stood uncomfortably in Angel's embrace. He clumsily patted him on his back. "There, there," Xander said awkwardly, looking at Spike who backed away when Angel came up to him. Now Spike was fiddling with his lighter and watching his grand-sire with an attentive eye.   
  
Buffy grimaced at Xander's gawky reaction and caught his eye motioning to him in a look that said 'act like you care, will ya? He lost his kid'. The once male slayerette sighed and hugged Angel back this time with care. "It's going to be okay, Angel," he murmured softly.   
  
It didn't look like Angel was going to let go any time soon, he only hugged the slayer and let out a whimpering sound. All the girls seemed to tear up at that, except for Willow whose manly hormones didn't allow her to be that sensitive. Even Spike had started to feel sorry for the older vampire.   
  
 _No one deserves to lose a child, even the old sod._  He closed his eyes, feeling the anguish and utmost despair rolling off his elder,  _especially the old sod._    
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Since it was late and Angel and Cordelia were tired, everyone thought it would be better if they gathered the following day at Buffy's. Cordelia was going home with Xander/Buffy and Buffy/Willow and sleep in Dawn's room. Since Cordelia refused to let Angel stay alone in the mansion, Buffy thought that Angel could stay at Xander's apartment. Willow felt uncomfortable with that thought, so Spike decided to take Angel with him, and actually got strange looks from everybody and a whispered "please don't fight" from Xander/Buffy.   
  
Willow offered Tara to take her home, with meaningful smiles from both girls even though one was essentially in a boy's body. Xander gave Willow the 'don't use my body for your own pleasure' look and got a 'who me?' look in return.   
  
Xander, Buffy and Cordelia sat watching movies and eating popcorn in front of the TV. Xander and Buffy were alternating between the blaring screen and watching Cordelia's grown up behavior. She just sat there drinking her coffee, watching TV and talking in a mature fashion about how they were. In conclusion, this was not their Cordelia Chase.   
  
Xander leaned over whisper in Buffy's ear. "This is getting on my nerves. She didn't even remark on my clothes. What happened to our Cordy? I'm scared."   
  
Buffy whispered back in disgust. "It's evil L.A. It ruined Cordy and changed her to this... different person." She couldn't admit that Cordelia looked and acted more adult than she was.   
  
The object of their whispering spoke which caused both Xander and Buffy to jump out of their skins, again. "Actually, your taste in clothes is worse, if possible, than it used to be, Buffy. And I think L.A. made me 'mature' is the word you were looking for, Willow," Cordelia said without looking at them.   
  
The once prom queen turned to them smiling. "You guys, on the other hand, haven't changed much, except Willow got a better hair cut and Buffy lost a lot of weight that Xander seems to have found." She frowned, "Also he became girlier."   
  
"Hey!" Xander countered with anger. "Xander is a big mucho man. He's a manly, manly, manly man. And he has muscles, too!"   
  
Cordelia raised an eyebrow at the bizarre reaction while Buffy whispered to the fuming Xander. "Yep, that was manly." He gave her a look and stood furiously leaving to his current bedroom. "I'm not sitting here like some teenage girl, which I'm obviously not. I'm gonna get some shut eye 'cause I have to open the Magic Box early in the morning."   
  
Cordelia and Buffy followed his huffing back with astonishment. "What's her deal!?" Cordelia snapped.   
  
"I have no idea," Buffy answered chewing on popcorn, again engrossed in the movie.   
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
"Here we are, home sweet crypt," Spike said disdainfully to the brooding hulk behind him as he opened the door.   
  
Angel entered, knowing that, as a vampire, he didn't need an invitation to other vampires' home. He looked around as Spike lit candles that seemed to fill the room. Even without the soft illumination from the candles, he could discern a lumpy chair and an old T.V. and a small fridge, which from the look of them came from the dumpster. He vaguely noticed the smell of ashes, his eyes locked on a trap door realizing the smell of the not so old burning came from there.   
  
"It was a nice prezzie from soldier boy," Spike answered the unasked question. Angel understood who Spike was speaking of. He still remembered Buffy's old boyfriend, one of the people responsible for Spike's weakness. The reason one of the greatest vampires was living in a shamble of a crypt was that the lower half of it had been burned – or blown up if the smell indicated to anything - apparently by Riley himself. He couldn't believe that Spike lived here.   
  
Spike stood in the middle of the room and crossed his arms. He waited for the question he knew Angel was going to ask.   
  
"You live here?" Angel finally asked with a frown.   
  
 _And there it is._  Spike thought angrily.   
  
"Yes! Have a problem with my existence?" he practically growled. "You don't like how I live!?"   
  
Angel didn't seem to notice the snappish tone that Spike used. "Uh... well, you are a bit thin."   
  
"Yes, well, bloody baggies cost a bundle. But I guess you know that, Chubby!" Spike sneered.   
  
Angel opened his mouth then frowned as he looked down at himself. He then raised his eyes to catch Spike's, whose eyes were fairly amused. Angel replied, annoyed at the jab. "I'll have you know that my weight is perfect for my height," he stopped and looked over Spike with a frown. "You really lost a lot of weight. Maybe..."   
  
"Don't you dare say anything about my height, Angelus," Spike warned.   
  
That seemed to have woken Angel out of his stupor. "Maybe I can get you some more blood."   
  
That caught Spike off guard and actually brought a small smirk onto Angel's lips.   
  
"Don't want your charity," Spike retorted.   
  
Suddenly Angel felt tired, like he hadn't slept for a long time - which was true.   
  
"You can have the tomb." Angel hazily heard Spike say.   
  
"Huh? What did you say?"   
  
Spike rolled his eyes at the question. "I said that even if the cardboard cutout hadn't burnt down my bed and half my stuff down there, I wouldn't share the same bed with you. So, in either case you can have the tomb to sleep on."   
  
Angel looked at the stone tomb and grimaced, which Spike of course noticed and had to comment on. "If it was good enough for me, mate, it should surely be good enough for you."   
  
"What about you?"   
  
Spike answered that question by slumping on the leather chair. "You better not snore like you used to," Spike mumbled already falling into sleep.   
  
Lying on the stone tomb, Angel couldn't bring himself to sleep. He thought he could because in a strange way he felt welcomed. But he couldn't help but look over one sleeping Spike.   
  
Angel carefully stood up and closed in on the sleeping vampire. Spike looked like the young innocent boy he was when he was human, if a little thin. Angel wondered how Spike didn't freeze living in a cold crypt like this with him being barely more than skin and bones.   
  
A thought struck Angel and he quickly took off his long coat. He carefully draped it over Spike, cautious not to wake him. He then returned to his sleeping place for the day and lay down feeling more at ease than he had felt in a long time.   
  
Angel rolled on to his side and closed his eyes, welcoming sleep at last.   
  
After nearly half an hour, two blue eyes opened. Spike touched the soft material of the coat. He raised his eyes to look at Angel. He could see his still form lying on the stone sarcophagus in a tight fetal position. Spike wondered if it was from the cold. Settling his mind, he slowly got up, carefully took off Angel's coat and placed it on the chair. He then took off his duster and as carefully draped it over Angel, but not before he caught the sight of something. Angel was clutching a small blue cloth tightly to his chest. Upon a closer look, Spike distinguished it as a baby's attire.   
  
Spike narrowed his eyes taking in the way Angel held the clothing near him with such care. He now truly got how this tragedy, the death of a son, had laid its marks on Angel.   
  
Spike shook his head, and then took his seat and rested his head against the pad. Silently he vowed to help Angel in any way he could.   
  
 _Without endangering my rep, of course._  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Xander stood behind the counter in the Magic Box. He was running the shop by himself; there weren't many customers this morning. He was lost in his own thoughts, that included...  _How can I go through the other three days with Angel staying here with his hugs and Pity Me looks? Do I have to be nice to him today, too?_    
  
That was when Buffy, Willow and Cordelia entered giggling like schoolgirls. This annoyed Xander since he certainly wasn't one, so he glared at one giggling Willow-in-Xander's-body. Willow caught his death-ray-glare and placed a hand over her mouth to muffle the silly laugh.   
  
Cordelia took a seat at the research table while Buffy and Willow went to get them some refreshments from the small yet convenient fridge in the training room.   
  
"Buffy," Cordelia greeted casually.   
  
"Cordelia," Xander replied. "What were you three talking about that sounded exciting?"   
  
"Oh that!" Cordelia looked interested. "We were talking about clothes. I commented on how Xander's clothes had improved, not greatly mind you, still way below my standards, but for him it was a huge change. And I asked him what was the big change for and he said that he was into the new fashion now. So we started talking about designs and which ones were more comfortable for slayage. Oh! And we're thinking about going shopping tomorrow. Wanna come?"   
  
It took Xander several minutes to digest the information. And several more to decide on what to freak out about. Of course, there was the one where Willow actually used  _his_ mouth and uttered the word fashion. On the other hand, there was the one she had an actual conversation with Cordelia on the merits of comfy attire while killing demons. Maybe the part where she actually agreed on taking his body, HIS BODY, to a store where he was sure any man entered would be deemed gay. And since Xander was perfectly 'content' with his sexuality, he chose the latter.   
  
Luckily for Xander, that was when Buffy and Willow entered carrying four diet Cokes. Buffy gave one to Xander who looked at the diet label with disgust, while Willow gave the other to Cordelia.   
  
Cordelia took her Coke grateful for the cold refreshment not failing to notice the one Willow was now drinking. "Good for you, Xan. You're finally realizing the virtues of dieting."   
  
"Oh, not to mention buying new clothes too," Xander added.  
  
Willow choked when she heard the steely words coming from Xander. She slowly raised her eyes and when she caught the angry green ones, she tried to smile goofily   
  
"Not gonna work on me. I perfected it, remember!" Xander shot back.   
  
Cordelia looked at them confused.  _What is Buffy's deal today? I tried to act civil and asked her to come shopping with us and she just got this weird look on her face like she was going to faint or something._  Cordelia huffed.  _Well, her loss. I have Angel's credit card._    
  
She watched while Willow laughed as Xander tried to explain something to Buffy in a low voice. She only caught a few like "sorry" and "Doesn't" and "gay". Cordelia frowned on that one. She tried to move closer around the round table she was sitting at but that only caused her to almost drop a large book. Almost, because she was able to catch it. Before it fell, it opened to a pre-marked page. Something in Cordelia urged her to read it. And since she was born and raised in Sunnydale and still lived to tell the tale, she followed her instincts.   
  
She could still hear the murmuring in the background, suddenly everything that happened since she got here made sense. Out of the blue, Cordelia started laughing.   
  
"Cordy, are you okay?" Xander asked in his concerned Buffy voice. He noted Cordelia had just spit out her coke when she laughed. She had never done that before. It was beneath her Queen Elegance statues.   
  
Cordelia looked up at Xander and started laughing again. Between chuckles, she pointed at the book. The three friends gasped comprehending what just happened. Cordelia had found out their secret.   
  
Willow wanted to slap herself for leaving that book out.   
  
Xander shrugged and wondered which one would find out next, would it be Dawn or Spike. He gulped.  _God, please let it be Dawn._  
  
Buffy's thoughts were running along the same path but with Giles in the equation.   
  
Somewhere along their thoughts, Cordelia stopped laughing, recomposed herself and stood up to look them over. She nodded her head as if she was making her mind about something.   
  
"So Xander's in a slayers body, aka a girl. Willow is in a guy's body and Buffy is in a lesbian's body." She smirked. "Am I hearing the siren of gossip calling to me? Buffy didja kiss Tara? Willow same question and Xander didya experience the strong grip of a guy while he held you close to his rugged manliness as you kissed passionately?"   
  
The three friends stood there gaping. Strangely, Xander was the one who recovered first. "Yes, yes and ewww!" Although in his mind, he was remembering how Cordelia's description matched how he and Spike had kissed.   
  
Cordelia shrugged and said, "Your loss."   
  
"So you figured us out, huh?" Buffy asked twisting a red lock nervously.   
  
"Yep. Though, at first I thought that Willow had been spending too much time with you. That you really lost more style and that Xander turned gay."   
  
"HEY!" Xander said offended and glared at Willow.   
  
"Um, Cordy?" Willow asked avoiding Xander's look. "You're taking this really well."   
  
"Hel-lo, I lived on the hellmouth, guys. I also live with Angel and Wesley in the infamous city of Angels."   
  
Xander countered, "I thought Sunnydale was the infamous city?"   
  
Cordelia waved that away, "Pfft, Sunnydale is SO passé."   
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
In the evening at the Summers', the girls were organizing themselves in Buffy's room while Xander sat on the bed eating chips and watching them. Cordelia looked at her ex-boyfriend, who unpleasantly looked like Buffy, and said, "Ya know it's rude for a girl to sit on a bed eating chips when two gentlemen are coming over for dinner."   
  
Xander looked at her. "First, I'm not a girl..."   
  
"... Not yet a woman," Buffy sang, too lost fixing her buttons. When the room got quiet and Buffy realized what she had said. She had turned to see three pairs of eyes looking at her in shock. However, Cordelia had a smirk on her face.   
  
"I swear Dawn is the one who's listening to this," Buffy defended herself. "I don't listen to Britney Spears. Not me, na uh."   
  
"Ok-ay," Xander said, trying to change the subject, "What was I saying before?"   
  
"That you're a lazy girl?" Cordelia suggested.   
  
 _Why do I feel like we got the old Cordy back?_  Xander thought, glaring at the brunette young woman. "No, and who do you mean by two gentlemen? You don't actually mean Spike and Angel, do you?"   
  
"Of course I meant Angel and Spike. They are really old. Isn't Spike from the Victorian age or something?" She looked at Xander who was wearing a frayed T-shirt and old jeans. "You know something? You could use a makeover."   
  
Xander looked at her appalled. "What do you mean?" he asked with a small peep.   
  
Buffy and Willow stood next to Cordelia wearing the same smirk. "She means it's time to make  _me_  look pretty, which means you have to help out, Xand," Buffy said before they all leapt on poor Xander.   
  
After several hours, Xander looked at himself in mirror wearing a short skirt and a tight black top. Cordelia did his blonde locks and let it flow prettily over his shoulders. He pouted following the girls downstairs. "Guh, when are the guys coming? I think I could use some testosterone around here."   
  
Cordelia had that gleam in her eyes that Xander knew he would hate. "Oh, right. Since you're Buffy, don't you think you should give Angel some snugglies?" She smirked at the blush that appeared on his cheeks.   
  
"Snugglies?" Xander blurted out. "I...I'm not giving..."   
  
"Oh c'mon Xander, you promised!" He turned to Buffy to see her smirking back at him.   
  
"Besides, Angel is heartbroken because he lost his son. He could use some cuddles and hugs." Willow had that pathetic pout she always used when she wanted something from Xander. It frightened him to see that she had perfected it even on his face. He groaned, "Please, Willow, lose the pout. Everybody is questioning my manhood because of your actions."   
  
Willow went on as if she didn't hear him. "What about kisses?" she asked the other girls.  
  
"Kisses are good," Buffy agreed.   
  
Xander looked at her with wide eyes. "Buffy! You want me to kiss  _Angel_?"   
  
Buffy shrugged. "Well, you're kissing him with my lips. It shouldn't matter, and I won't mind." She looked at him pointedly, "But I want details, missy!"   
  
Cordelia seemed to be thinking about something. "What about Spike?" she unexpectedly asked.   
  
Xander and Buffy jumped, while Willow asked confused, "What about Spike?"   
  
"You told me last year, Willow, that he had a thing for Buffy. What if he decided to jump Xander?"   
  
"Why would he jump Xander?" Buffy asked, alarmed. "I mean, I've never given him a chance to...um...jump me, you know, he's beneath me...so there's no reason for...jumpiness."   
  
Xander just wanted to shut her up. She was going too far with her act of not having any kind of relationship with Spike. Didn't she realize that eventually Xander was going to find out? He was in her body, for God's sake, she should know better.   
  
All of a sudden, knocks were heard from the door. Xander rushed to open it. He saw Angel and Spike standing there, "They're both alive! Thought one of you guys would have been staked by now." He smiled smugly.   
  
Spike looked at Angel and mumbled something like, "Not in this century."   
  
Xander led the two vampires to the living room where they all sat together and started chatting about the evening's events.   
  
Buffy noticed that Angel wasn't conversing with them. "Are you okay, Angel?" she asked worriedly.   
  
Angel looked at the redhead and smiled. Willow had always been a warmhearted soul, he remembered from the old days when he worked with the Scoobies in Sunnydale. He nodded, "Yes, it's just..." he didn't finish.   
  
Cordelia got annoyed with his silence. "Get it out, Angel," she demanded.   
  
Angel sighed. "I want to go to the mansion."   
  
"We'll go tomorrow," Cordelia said running a hand over his arm comfortingly, thinking that he wanted to get away from the memories that Buffy invoked.   
  
Angel shook his head. "No, I want to go now. It's... it's something I just need... and I can't wait 'til tomorrow. I don't care if this sounds childish, but I really need to go," he insisted.   
  
Cordelia sighed. "Ok, I'll go with."   
  
Buffy gave Xander a glare. Xander heaved a suffered sigh and offered to go with Angel as well. To Cordelia's surprise Angel nodded his agreement to Xander and turned to her. "I think you should stay here, Cordy. You can use the chance to spend time with Xander and Willow and reminisce."   
  
Cordelia didn't sway. "Are you sure? I mean, I wanna be there for you."   
  
Angel smiled and took Cordelia's hands. "You are there for me. You're always there for me, but I think I want to spend this time in the mansion with Buffy and Spike."   
  
Spike's head shot up at the mention of his name. Angel turned to the younger vampire. "Would you like to join us, Spike?"   
  
Spike didn't miss the pleading look in Buffy's eyes. He shrugged, "Fine by me."  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
At the mansion, Xander and Spike stood there looking around while Angel closed the door behind them. "It's been long time since I came here," Xander said.   
  
He felt Spike's arm touching his fleetingly. Xander breathed heavily and looked at Spike who smiled down at him. Xander controlled himself. He would not throw himself on the bleached vampire with Angel around. He turned around slowly, "Uh, where's Angel?"   
  
A big smack was heard next to him, Xander turned to see Spike on the floor. He was about to yell for Angel, but felt someone grabbing him and he was held to a strong chest. Before he could defend himself, a chloroform-covered handkerchief was shoved to his face. Gradually, he felt himself losing consciousness.  
  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
"Wake up, pet."   
  
Xander heard the soft voice waking him. He looked up at Spike. "What is it?"   
  
"The poof is coming. I'm sure he'll try to cast the bleedin' spell now."   
  
Xander raised his head trying to shake the sleep away. Spike smiled at the shaking head and leaned for a kiss as soon as the slayer's hair stopped flying around.   
  
Xander drew back. "What about my post-sleep breath?"   
  
"Vampire here. Don't care."   
  
They kissed and stopped when they heard Angel's voice. "Bad vampire."   
  
Angel swatted Spike's head playfully. "You should have said her breath was as sweet as sugar, and then kissed her," Angel instructed.   
  
Xander expected Angel to freak but all he was doing was giving tips to Spike on how to be courteous. He listened as Angel crazily explained that he needed both the blood of a slayer, her essence and soul being strong, and the blood of family, hence Spike, for the spell to work. Xander wondered if him being in Buffy's body would render the spell useless.   
  
 _Pfft! With my track record with magic I'd more likely turn to a little hoppie toad!_    
  
"I am going to get my son back. He's such a beautiful baby and so innocent he doesn't deserve to be in a hell dimension. I do. He doesn't."  
  
Xander and Spike couldn't help their hearts going out in empathy hearing the crazy words of the distraught father.   
  
"This spell is only designed to open a portal to Quarthoth and the best place to open a hell portal is by the Hellmouth." Angel looked at their frightened features. "There will be no Hellmouth opening, if that's what you fear."   
  
Angel waved a knife in what Xander considered a wild manner before the vampire sliced Xander's hand and caught the trickles of blood in a black bowl. He turned and did the same to Spike.   
  
Spike was torn. He could hear Angel reciting the ancient words and feared that it would open the Hellmouth, no matter what Angel said, and endanger Buffy and himself. Nevertheless, he also promised himself that he would do whatever he could to help his elder. He was torn between his loyalty to his love and his loyalty to his sire.   
  
Strong winds interrupted their thoughts and then Angel's distressed cry was heard before all was silent. Xander sighed in relief when a door to hell didn't open next to his head and yet at the same time he felt sad for the weeping Angel.   
  
Suddenly, Cordelia entered and headed straight for her howling boss. She helped him up and they left through the library doors, leaving behind them Spike and Xander shouting to be freed.   
  
"They're not gonna leave us here, are they?" Xander looked anguished. "I never liked high school and I don't feel like spending the night here."   
  
"Oh don't be such a sissy!" Willow said as she and Buffy entered with smiles. However, Xander noticed unshed tears in their eyes, obviously indicating that they had witnessed the whole Angel breakdown.   
  
"How did you guys find us?" Xander asked as they untied him and Spike.   
  
"Cordelia had a vision," Buffy replied.   
  
"And you stood there doing nothing!?" Spike questioned realizing as well, that they saw the whole show.   
  
"Cordelia knew that it wouldn't work for... um... special reasons." Willow locked her brown eyes with Xander's, seeing that he got her meaning she continued, "And she thought it would be good for him to let it all out."   
  
Spike nodded in understanding. "The poof was holding the pain inside, he had to let it out someday."   
  
 _And the sooner the better, not in a hurry for Angelus to pay a visit! Cheerleader has brains; I always knew she had it in her._  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Realizing that staying in Sunnydale with the whole Hellmouth deal was not good for Angel especially in his condition, Cordelia decided to leave Sunnydale the next day. Angel slept in the Summers' basement for the night chained to the wall as a precaution.  
  
The next night outside the Magic Box, Xander, Buffy and Willow were saying their goodbyes to Angel and Cordelia.   
  
Angel hugged Xander tightly. "I'm sorry for what I did, Buffy. You know I didn't mean to cause you any harm." He looked at Xander apologetically.   
  
Xander waved him off. "Nah, it's okay. We all make mistakes."   
  
Angel smiled down at him. "Goodbye, Buffy," he said, turning to leave to the car.   
  
"Bye-bye, Deadboy."   
  
Angel froze when he heard Buffy's voice and then turned looking at the blonde girl with wide eyes; she was giving him a huge goofy beam. Looking at the others, they all were grinning goofily along with the slayer.   
  
Freaking, Angel looked at Cordelia. "Did she just call me 'Deadboy'? And why are they smiling like that?"   
  
Cordelia looked back at the three and shook her head. "They certainly didn't change. They're still the same eighteen-year-old kids that I left in Sunnyhell," she sighed, dragging Angel with her into the car.   
  
The three watched them getting into the car, when Willow asked, "Do you think he suspected?"   
  
Buffy whispered back, "Don't talk and keep smiling. He can still hear you." She gave Xander a heated glance. "We'll have a little talk later about prudence, Xander. You almost blew our cover."   
  
Xander wasn't listening to her. He was watching Cordelia driving the car away and his smile got bigger. Now, that Brood Guy was out of twon, he and  _his_  vampire could have their smoochies whenever they wanted.  
  
Somehow, it didn't sound disturbing this time.  
  
  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

 ****  
  
_Dear Diary,  
  
Yeah, yeah I know, your precious Dawn hasn't been writing in a while. I know I deserve the bashing, but you know what, Diary? I  am a fifteen year old young woman and way too old to write in my dairy everyday so knock it off!  
  
Anyway, today I got the results for my exams. I did pretty well! Go me! Even Buffy said that I was way better than her when she was in high school, weird, huh? Though, I still don't get what that glare Willow shot her was for.  
  
Buffy’s extra nice to me these days, can you believe that?! Though in a sort of strange kind of way, but she lets me stay up late and always gets me a giant bowl of ice cream and never tells me to go and study. I don't know if you consider that a good thing but it's good enough for me.  
  
What I'm trying to say is, she's treating me better since her 'woman' speech three weeks ago. She really does treat me like a woman. I kind of like that. I can see that you're surprised, who can blame you? I've never thought I'd say something nice about Buffy. But she’s really nice these days… well, except for the time she got her period. Boy, she was screaming so hard and to think a woman at the age of twenty-one should be adjusting to the pains of PMS. Guess it’s one of those tough ones, poor Buffy._  
  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Xander screamed. He was lying on his tummy on the mattress and holding the pillow in a death grip, tears all over his Buffy-face. Buffy was standing by the bed trying to use the best Willow-soothing-voice that Xander could relate to, "But, Xander, you have to go on patrol, there are innocent people that don't need to die because the slayer is having PMS."  
  
Xander shot tearful green eyes at her. "But what about me? I'm in pain," he said in the most pitiful voice Buffy had ever heard herself utter.  
  
"Just don't think about it and it'll go away," she suggested gently, remembering what her mother had said to her when she first had pains.  
  
"I tried that, it didn't work!" Xander whined, while pressing his stomache harder to the pillow, hoping it would ease the pain. “It’s hard not to think about pain when you’re damn feeling it.”  
  
"Oh, c'mon, Xand, you're a man. You can handle a little stomachache," she gave him a pitying smile, knowing full well it was a hell lot worse than a stomachache.  
  
Xander looked at her dangerously. "Oh, you're saying that 'cause you're not the one _feeling_  the pain. Aaargh!" he screamed when his stomach endured a sharp throbbing and dug his nails into the pillow as if he could transfer the pain if he held strong enough.  
  
Buffy gave him a hard glare in response to what he said. "I've been going through that for a long time! Geez, kick someone while they’re trying to help you, why don’t you." She crossed her arms.  
  
Xander looked at her with interest having only heard the first part. "Since when?" It looked as if all the pain went away in the face of someone else’s misery.  
  
Buffy gave a disapproving look. "I'm not telling you when I got my period, Xander."  
  
Xander pouted and whimpered pathetically wishing it would soften Buffy's heart and she would let him stay in bed. As it turned out, Buffy's heart was hard and cold. Company must have had more of an affect on her than he realized. "You're going on patrol, Xander. Whether you liked it or not."  
  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Xander kept groaning the entire way through the cemetery. Why couldn't they give him the day off and go patrolling themselves? He was in pain here. Just because Buffy had a college assignment to do and Willow had to wake up early for work tomorrow didn't give them the right to send him on patrol in his delicate condition!  
  
This period thing really sucked. And to think this happened every month! Xander could have really gone without the whole ‘how to be Buffy in certain months’ speech with all the 'dos and don’ts'. Also, having to go to the bathroom every several hours was NOT a pleasurable experience. Moreover, it was not an easy thing do if one made a note regarding the issue of closed eyes syndrome that magically assaulted Xander whenever he stepped into the ceramic room. Not to mention the agony he had to go through. Buffy had reassured him that it was just going to be like this for the first three days except for the pain, which would go away early on the second day.  
  
He felt the twinge in his stomache yet again and grabbed it as he fell on the ground moaning.   
  
_God, it hurts. I can't do this, but I can't go home. Don't want Buffy giving me the Giles lecture again. I wonder if he gave her that lecture when Buffy had her period and told him she couldn't patrol? No, I'm sure Buffy thought it would be too embarrassing… for Giles, that is._  
  
It was sharper this time. Tears started to fall. He needed to lie down. Without thinking, he got to his feet and ran towards Spike's crypt. He got there in mere seconds with his slayer speed. He slammed the door open and screeched,   
  
"Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!"  
  
Spike jumped from his seat in front of the TV and looked horrified at the blonde girl standing by the door, looking like something the helldogs tried to drag in before running off for their lives. "What’s wrong?" Spike was too scared to go near the scary blonde.  
  
Xander held his tummy with his hands, looking about to cry. "It hurts," he whimpered pitifully.  
  
Spike was by his side in a second. He held the now softly sobbing girl in his arms whispering tenderly, "What hurts, pet?" he checked and sniffed Xander all over searching for a smell of blood. "I don't see anything or smell any blood except for your menses."  
  
Xander backed away, looking shocked at Spike. He felt a slight blush stain his cheeks. "You can smell  _that_?"  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow, "Uh, ya. Remember, vampire here. We’re not having a revival of two months ago, are we?" he asked with a grimace.  
  
Xander blushed even harder. He  _really_  didn't want to know what happened between Spike and Buffy two months ago. He wanted to distract the vamp from saying anything further. "It hurts!"   
  
_Yep, if all else fails, whining is the best way to go._  
  
Spike looked at him, puzzled. "Didn't you say that it doesn't bother you? I mean, for a bint who had it since eleven, must’ve gotten used to it by now."  
  
Xander's eyes widened.   
  
_SHE told Spike when she got her period? She told Spike and didn't tell ME? Her best friend! What did she think I'd do? Tell all my other friends about it?_  he thought, offended.   
  
Well, admittedly he had told Jesse, when they were twelve, about Willow getting hers after walking in on her in the bathroom. He had told him right after the embarrassing scene where he had promised her not to tell anyone. That had got him a painful smack on the head from Willow when she found out.  
  
Spike wasn't aware of the restless thoughts going inside the former boy's head. He looked at the other blonde's stomach. "Does it hurt a lot?" He touched Xander's stomache softly.  
  
Xander leaned into the soft touch for it somehow seemed to ease the pain a little. Spike smiled as Xander closed his eyes and moaned at the gentle touch. "Do you want some beer?" he asked.  
  
Xander looked up, astonished. "Beer?"  
  
_Buffy doesn’t let me drink beer._    
  
"Yeah, well, you gulped down the whole bloody bottle in less than ten secs last time you came 'ere." Spike informed him at the same time grabbing a beer out of the small fridge and handing the enticingly cold object to Xander.   
  
Xander took the bottle gratefully and drank it without stopping to take a breath. Spike looked at him fondly waiting for the look of disgust that Buffy always had after she drank any of his stored alcohol.  
  
Surprising Spike, Xander threw the empty bottle over his shoulder and sighed dreamily.  
  
Spike raised a scarred eyebrow. "Somebody's gotten a handle on her drink," said the amused vampire.  
  
Xander didn't pay the amazed tone any attention. He just looked around asking, "Any more?"   
  
Now both eyebrows shot up with glee as Spike watched the young woman pace around the place looking for more beer. "Are you sure you want more? I mean you swore last time you wouldn't drink more than one bottle after…" Spike trailed off remembering how Buffy lashed at him, accusing him for using her that night, after she had sobered up.   
  
Xander stopped at Spike's words.  _He's right. I might reveal something if I got too drunk, I wonder what secrets Buffy told Spike when she reached her limit? Bet that's how he got to know when she had her period._  He turned to Spike and said, "Well, I guess I better get to that patrolling thing I do so well then."  
  
Spike chuckled. "Oh, give it up, Slayer. Ain’t like you'd meet any vamps tonight."  
  
Xander frowned, confused. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Came across any bumpies on your way here?” On the negative shake, Spike continued, “Only a nutter would approach a slayer at this time of the month, it's like Halloween for some, you know."  
  
Xander eyes widened with disbelief. "You're kidding. How come?"  
  
Spike frowned. “Like you don’t know. You took out a whole nest of killer Gorgases on your lonesome one time. Pain with the added hormone boost is a dangerous combo for the not so good populace of Sunnyhell.”  
  
Xander's eyes got even wider with amazement. "Cool!"   
  
Spike chuckled at the childlike reaction.  
  
"So… no patrolling tonight?" Xander asked wonderingly.   
  
"Just like last time," Spike stated before he frowned as he thought it through when the girl started at him blankly. "Um, ‘less you don’t want it to be exactly like last time. Do you?" he asked, unsure. He didn't know where the lack of enthusiasm came from. Usually, Buffy would kiss him frantically the moment she walked in, slamming his crypt door. He never asked her if she wanted to have sex or not, she just did it not caring if he wanted to or not. Literally, she used those muscles that psycho slayer was talking about when she took over Buffy’s body and screwed his brains out. Since Spike was male, of the vampire kind but a sex driven male nonetheless, of course he wanted it.  
  
However, lately he was taken with this ‘new’ Buffy. She didn’t drop by listlessly for information via punching his nose. She was actually  _talking_  to him and not in the sense of 'if you hurt anyone, or talk to anyone about this, you'll meet the end of my stake,' but actual talk, as if he were a real person whose opinion mattered. And crazy as Spike was, he liked it more than the actual sex.  
  
Xander didn't need Willow's brain to conclude that what Spike meant he and Buffy did last time was sex. Xander loved sex. He practically had it written in his daily planner as a ‘to-do’ activity with Anya. Except, something very important and must not be forgotten, this was another guy and sex with another man was unsettling for Xander to even think about. Sure, he was kissing one but having someone's penis inside him was… Ok, that was too disturbing. He needed to stop thinking about sex.  
  
He looked around, avoiding Spike's eyes having realized that he was blushing furiously.  
  
"Uh… I don't…"  
  
He was cut off by Spike's yell. "Oh, bloody hell, forgot about Passions!"  
  
Xander looked up blinking to see Spike jumping onto his scavenged black couch.   
  
Spike settled down and took a sip from a mug of blood before replacing it on a wobbly table next to him. His eyes excitedly locked onto the flashing screen, trying to catch what he had missed when Buffy barged in.  
  
Spike seemed to forget the 'Buffy' who was shocked at his actions, blinking at the back of his porcelain head.  
  
_Well, that was rude._  Xander thought. Here he was having serious thoughts (as well as trying not to) about having sex with one male bleached vampire whom just ignored him for a soap opera. And all Xander needed right now was a mirror to look at. He was nagging like the girl he now was.  
  
_Could my life fall any lower?_  
  
He stood angrily watching the vamp on the couch, arms crossed.   
  
Finally, few seconds into the short commercial, Spike noticed the irritated girl in his crypt. He turned to face the fuming blonde. "Oh, Buffy, are you leaving?" That was the typical thing to ask, since that was what Buffy usually did when he was watching Passions, or any other soap opera, knowing that not even the promise of sex could tear him away.   
  
So one could fully understand how the girl's next question was a shock. "Can I stay and watch with you?"  
  
Spike gaped. "You what?"  
  
Xander shrugged. "Since there's no sense in patrolling after vamps playing hide and seek, I thought I'd hang here and watch what got you so hooked."   
  
Spike, happy and confused but not wanting to tempt fate by questioning everything, patted the couch for the Slayer to sit next to him. Only two people had ever sat down and watched Passions with him, willingly, Joyce and Giles, and both weren’t here. The first had passed away a year ago and the other ran off to England, so Spike was glad for the company. Even Clem, who would watch anything with him, was too busy to visit these days.   
  
The small gesture being all he needed, Xander joyfully pounced on the indicated spot, discovering that he honestly didn't want to leave. He jumped next to Spike and snuggled closer.   
  
Still holding his tongue, Spike hugged his -yeah, his- Slayer to him with a huge smile on his face.  
  
_This is strange._  Both of them shared the same thought while the commercials came to an end. Though their eyes were glued to screen, their minds were enjoying the feeling of each other.  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
_Anyway, Diary, that was the latest news since I last wrote to you. So let me tell you everything that happened since I came back from Janice's.  
  
We were preparing for Willow's birthday party. She was waiting for it for ages. It was her twenty-first birthday, so that has to be a big deal! I mean I'm still waiting for my eighteenth birthday, "sigh", things are so gonna be easier when I get there!  
  
Do you know that Buffy invited Spike?! I can’t believe how I missed him. It's been awhile since I've seen him.  
  
What really got on my nerves that day was Xander. Yeah, surprising, huh? He does that to everyone else, yeah, but never to me, until now that is. Anyway, he was whining all the time and, um… actually pouting. I swear! These days I get really ashamed when I think I used to have a crush on him! He started to act like… well, a girl, a girly girl at that. Thank God I never pout and sulk like that. It would be humiliating!!   
  
The biggest news is this, geez, you won’t believe it. He actually shaved his arms! Buffy always insists that he wears long sleeved shirts now. Between you and me, I think she's doing that so that people won't think he's gay. As if.   
  
Come to think of it, you know what? I'm having a thought... actually, I think I’m having one of those moments of revelation. It would really answer all the weirdness that’s happening. Oh my God, that's it! Why didn't I ever think of that? Xander is  gay! He was only wearing a macho man joker mask! That explains his choice of women and… well, not his clothes but maybe that’s a cover too! That must be the reason why he left Anya and… oh God! That's why he hated Angel, 'cause Angel loved Buffy instead of him! Yes, Xander never denied how attractive Angel was.   
  
Oh God, he has a thing for Spike, yes!! Spike is gorgeous and no way gay Xander wouldn’t have noticed him! Wow. That's must be why Xander hates Spike so much and is angry all the time with him, because he loves Buffy and Xander can't have him. Poor Xander. I should do something to help.   
  
Buffy doesn't love Spike but Spike loves her, and, well, he doesn’t like Xander very much too. So that’s gonna be a problem. Oh, I know, I should get Spike to see Xander in a different way. Hmm, I should get Xander to act more manly or Spike would never… or maybe Spike wants him to act like a sissy girl? Hee hee! Yes, because Spike likes girls! Hold on, maybe Spike doesn't swing that way.   
  
Oh well, I tried.  
  
Anyway, Willow was so happy to finally have her birthday party and not being the only one under the age of twenty-one, not including me of course! Damn. She claimed that it felt like having it for the second time, which got Xander angrier. Uh, I still don't get what's his deal! Maybe all that repressed sexual tension is getting to him?_  
  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
"This is so unfair!" Willow whined as she stomped her large Xander foot.   
  
Xander patted her on the arm as the two of them stood in the dining room secluded from the guests in the living room. He didn't want anyone to see Willow, who unfortunately was the one who was stuck in his body, acting like a little girl, something not good for his manly image.   
  
"Will, we have talked about this, you have to calm down," he spoke in a bored tone, having repeating that sentence several times before.  
  
Willow looked at him with huge sad hazel eyes. "But Xander, this is *my* birthday party. Why Buffy should have to be the one celebrating it? She already had hers!"  
  
Xander sighed. "Because Buffy is in your body, she is Willow now. How many times do I have to repeat this? You're supposed to be the smart one here." He shook his head in mock sadness.   
  
"But *I'm* the real Willow! ME! You all know that!" Willow exclaimed.  
  
"But Dawn, Spike and your friends from college don't."  
  
"Oh, shouldn't we tell Dawn about the switch by now?! I mean, she finished her exams so no worry there. We could tell Spike, too. And my college buddies, well, we're not that close anyway so just kick them out!" she said excited at that idea, wanting desperately to reclaim her B-day.  
  
Xander looked deeply into eyes that used to belong to him.  _She's really serious!_  He asked her with disbelief, "Are you sure you're not affected with my guy hormones or something because this seems more like Xander-talk than Willow-babble."   
  
Willow sighed miserably then shrugged haplessly, "I just wanna celebrate my birthday, that's all."  
  
Xander patted her arm. "That's okay, Will. I promise if it’s my birthday and we haven’t switched back by then you can have it."  
  
Willow looked at him near hysterical. "I'm not going to stay in your body for over  _eight_ months!"  
  
"Hey guys!"  
  
Both of them turned towards Tara, who stood by the door of the dining room. "What are you doing here? Dawn is looking for you!"  
  
Xander grabbed Willow's arm and dragged her towards the dining room. "We're coming!" he called back, trying for an excited tone.  
  
Tara sighed. "Is Willow complaining again?"  
  
"It's not fair!" Willow whined again.  
  
Tara hugged her soothingly, "I know, sweetie, I know."  
  
Xander smiled watching how Tara was comforting his pouting version. He completely gave up on trying to make Willow act manlier. So what if people thought he was gay? Wasn't he? Except he was straight in Buffy’s body.   
  
He remembered his conversation with Tara after Angel and Cordelia had left to L.A again. Tara had seen him trying to kiss Spike in the Magic Box. He admired her for waiting a while to talk to him about it and not screaming accusingly and getting Buffy and Willow's attention.  
  
Tara hadn’t judged him nor looked at him disgustedly. She understood and made him realize things he had never thought about before. She made him think clearly about his situation with Spike while he always avoided reflecting on it before.  
  
  
***Flash Back***  
  
  
"I don't know why I'm doing this? I mean I know it’s wrong..."  
  
Tara and Xander sat at the Magic Shop table. Tara had chosen this time of day to talk to Xander since Buffy was in college and Willow was at the construction site. She listened to Xander and heard the same words that had been uttered from Buffy to her a while back about the same thing.   
  
It was amazing that the same person was addressing the same problem but in this situation, the blond-haired person wasn't Buffy but Xander instead.  
  
Xander angrily stood up and started pacing around the room complaining about his foolish exploits with Spike. He stopped wandering around the Magic Shop. He, thankfully, hadn’t broken anything with how he was waving his arms around a minute ago, and dropped on the nearest chair. He placed head in his hands and groaned; shouting did that to a guy turned girl.   
  
Tara sighed and changed seats to be near one miserable Xander. She rubbed his shoulder in relaxing motions. "Is it possible that you d-did that because you felt lonely after the whole… Anya thing?"   
  
Xander shrugged and looked down at his lap. "That was my first thought, you know, I was hurting over Anya and Spike was... sort of... giving me the comfort I needed… but … sometimes I think it's more than that."  
  
Tara's brow rose in amazement. That was new! That sentence had never occurred in her similar conversation with Buffy. Tara blushed as she thought over the question she was about to ask. "Um… did you… did you do the…?" She laughed nervously. "You know!"  
  
Xander stared at her confused then his eyes widened as he caught her meaning. He blushed fiercely shaking his head insistently. "No, no, oh God no… we didn't do  _that_! I mean, geez, this is too weird even for me."   
  
His eyes didn't leave his lap while he babbled anxiously. He glanced at her before looking back at his twitching hands, embarrassed. Tara smiled gently. "Do you have feelings for him?" she asked kindly.  
  
Xander didn't answer.  
  
Tara touched his arm, smiling encouragingly. "It's okay. You can tell me. I'm here t-to help, Xander, not judge."  
  
He still didn't meet her eyes. "You're not gonna tell anyone, right?"  
  
"I promise."  
  
“Not even Will?”  
  
“Swear. This is just between you and me.”  
  
Xander heaved a sigh, it would really be a relief if he said it out loud, and he actually believed her. "Sometimes I think I do… but this is…"  
  
"Wrong?" Tara finished for him.  
  
He nodded slowly.   
  
"Why is that?"   
  
"Well, he's a vampire, a soulless murdering creature. I shouldn't… feel like that about him and that's another thing. Him. He's a  _he_ , a guy of the male variety with all the male parts. I don't like that sort of thing. I like girly parts. Sometimes I think the whole thing happened 'cause I'm in Buffy's body, you know, she's a girl, plus she's the one who has it for vamps."  
  
Tara knew what that was. Denial. She sighed. "You may have switched bodies, Xander, but it's still your feelings, your emotions. You already said you haven’t been um… overly intimate with him. Being in Buffy's body has nothing to do with the way you feel. It's still you in there."  
  
Xander studied the floor for a bit then muttered, "He's gentle with me." Tara smiled, while Xander continued, "It's like he's not really a vampire, you know. Yes, he still feels cold and the whole game face thing is still goin’ on but it's like he has a soul… like Angel." Xander snorted at the comparison.   
  
"Well, Spike did help us many times and he is pretty handsome. Also, has a nice body." She ducked her head shyly at Xander's wide eyes.  
  
"Why Tara, you're rather the wild girl, aren't you?"   
  
He laughed as her blush increased. “His eyes are really nice, too, don’t ya think?” he asked while Tara nodded her head excitedly, causing her several strands of hair to cover her face.  
  
Xander looked her in the eyes, serious again. "This is our secret, right?"  
  
She nodded. "Don't worry. I kept Buffy's secret from everybody, well, you knew but it's not my fault." She shrugged.   
  
He smiled. "Yeah, now I know why Buffy told you instead of me or Will, you’re a great listener and a wonderful friend," he said as he hugged her.  
  
Tara smiled warmly and hugged him back. What a year. She had gotten closer to both of Willow's best friends.  
  
  
  
***End Flash Back***  
  
  
“Xander, are you copping a feel?” Buffy asked in shock teasing.   
  
Tara jumped away from comforting her-Xander-shaped Willow. Willow glared at the smirking version of herself.  
  
“Cut it, Buffy! I lost my birthday, now let me get comfort where I can find it, it’s not like you’re giving any.”   
  
Buffy shrugged. She was happy this was the first birthday she had had without something bad happening. But no way was she saying that out loud, tempting fate was a serious thing in Sunnydale. It was great with the presents and the teasing of Willow. It didn't even matter that Spike was here. He was actually behaving better than when it was her own birthday, with the touching and getting caught by Tara and stuff. She glanced at Xander with a frown but only saw him laughing at Willow’s whining.   
  
“Willow, it’s time for the cake and prezzies!” Dawn called out as she came into the dining room where everyone was gathered. She noticed Xander pouting and glaring death rays at Willow again and felt disgusted at the sight of a twenty-one year old man huffing and stomping his foot. She spared one last look at Xander and started to push the redhead into the living room claiming that everyone was wondering if she skipped out on her own birthday. She frowned when Xander muttered, “More likely stealing someone else’s.”   
  
The real Xander stood near the stairs chuckling at his friends’ actions. He started out to follow before he was unexpectedly pulled in the other direction behind the wall. He stood faced with Spike, who surprisingly had gel free hair.   
  
“Hello luv, fancy meeting you here.”   
  
“It’s my house, Spike.”   
  
“Well, if it isn’t!” Spike widened his eyes.  
  
Xander actually found himself smiling.   
  
Spike tilted his head one the side and Xander was intercepted as Spike’s lips landed on his own. Spike placed his hand on the side of his face as he deepened the kiss, entwining their tongues.  
  
“Ahem!”   
  
The two blonds jumped apart unconsciously touching their lips still feeling them throb. There stood facing them a third blond.  
  
Tara shook her head at the two.  _Xander has it bad_ , she knew it then for sure.  
  
“You guys can check each others' eyes for hair or check for bruises or whatever after Willow blows out the candles, now c’mon everyone’s waiting,” With that said, she flung her hair back and headed to the living room.   
  
Spike didn’t know which to be more shocked at. Tara seeing him and Buffy kissing and not saying anything  _or_  saying that. He turned to look at Buffy and saw her sagging against the wall, a wistful look still in her eyes.  
  
“Uh …” Spike started, pointing at the spot Tara had occupied, not knowing how to form the question.  
  
Xander waved his hands dismissively, still replaying the amazing kiss. “Yep. Tara came out of her shell.”  
  
“Uh, not what I was gonna ask but ye-ah. I was thinking she saw you and me … you know…” he pointed back and forth at them.  
  
Xander suddenly snapped out at Spike’s worried tone. He saw the vampire frowning. He could imagine Spike thinking on how ‘Buffy’ would freak out at the idea of someone finding out about them.  
  
Xander pushed himself off the wall. He knew that he wasn’t thinking straight if he was going to do what he was going to do now. But who could think straight with Spike having that lost look on his face. He stepped near the vampire and rose to his tiptoes.  
  
_Another disadvantage to the ‘Buff Bod’ if it was really me, we’d be the same height and it would be easier to…_  
  
Softly kissing Spike and holding his hand, he said, “She knows. Now come on before she comes back and drags us out there.” With that, he pulled away and slowly left to direction of the Happy Birthday song.   
  
Spike stood there gaping before a huge grin spread across his face.  _She told the blonde witch about us. It’s a start._  He then hastened his step.  _No sense in missing the birthday wish._    
  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
_So Dairy, the morning after Willow's party, Buffy had actually let me do her make up and her hair. Can you believe it? The precious Buffy locks were actually touched by someone other than herself or a very expensive hairdresser. Something is seriously brewing on the Hellmouth, I tell ya!   
  
The thing that upsets me the most about my sister is that I don't get to see her much at night. Sure, she has her slayer duty but a while back, she had time for us, sisters, to hang or watch movies at night when she gets back early and not too tired.  
  
But these days she's always tired or comes home late at night claiming that she had faced a big demon that needed taken care of. I know I'm acting selfish but... she even spent the whole night after Willow's party out, again, fighting some kind of demon, though she wasn't hurt or anything. Although, she did come back really dusty. Maybe there was a nest of vamps? There must’ve been like twenty for all the dust that covered her!   
  
I'm so glad that Willow spends time with me, though. I think we're developing some kind of bond or something, right now, most of my time I'm with Will. I just... I never realized how much I missed Buffy, you know.  
  
And that hair episode was the most sister time I had with her. I wonder why she let me do that. I’m not bragging or anything, Diary, but she looked good when I was done with her!_   
  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
As Xander entered Spike's crypt, he, self-consciously, touched his hair and wondered if the make up and hair still looked as good as they did that morning.   
  
_Not that I care or anything I … um let Dawn do that 'cause customers buy more if the girl selling is pretty, that’s a written fact._    
  
“Spike?” No answer. Must be out.  
  
Xander wandered around, noticing the singed walls more when the place was vacant of its ever attention grabbing vampire. He looked down at the hole in the ground and instead of taking the rusty stairs down. He jumped to land gracefully on his feet.  
  
He grinned.  _Gotta love slayer reflexes._  
  
Xander wandered around, grimacing at rubble and the dank ashes smell, but realized that it must have looked a lot worse. Several boxes littered the floor, most of them holding burned out junk. A significant sized hole in the wall caught his attention. He noticed a large rock beside it, which must have served as its door. He approached it with steady steps and peered in. In the soft light that the many candles scattered all over the crypt as well as the lower level, he saw a wooden trunk that survived the blast. In it he could clearly see some of Spike’s signature clothes and others worth an eyebrow raising. Xander held a silk silver shirt in his hands imagining it covering Spike’s chest with a couple buttons open revealing his toned chest.  
  
Xander groaned as he felt himself getting wet.  _Not gay? Yeah right._  
  
He went to replace the shirt when his hand touched something. Pushing a pair of blue jeans aside, he saw it. His carpenter eyes and skilled hand marveled at the beauty of the small wooden box. It was engraved ‘To My Will, May Your Words Always Be True To Your Heart’. Clearly, Spike had gotten this from someone that cared about him. An expensive box like this obviously held something very important. From the looks of it, Xander knew it was old but cared for. The hinges were oiled meaning that Spike had used it recently. He knew that whatever was in the box held very significant meaning to Spike. That he had kept it hidden.  
  
Something inside of Xander urged him to look inside the box. He wanted desperately to know this important part of Spike.   
  
_Let it not be a baby skull._    
  
He took the small box and rested it on his lap. He was still taken aback by how old and beautiful its design was. He carefully opened it, peered inside and blinked as he found papers, many sheets of paper. Some of them were old, like way old. He took one of them and stared at the written words. It looked like poetry.   
  
_It's someone's handwriting. Is it possible that is Spike's handwriting?_  
  
He began to read. He didn't know a lot about poetry but he could sense the rushed feelings Spike felt for this Cecily girl. Some of those were for Drusilla and others older for Angelus. He paused a minute when he read the title of a very new poem, the date was two days ago. The title was ‘Golden Locks of New’. His heart sped as he read what Spike wrote.   
  
Xander never liked poetry, truth be told he could never understand it. Nevertheless, he understood what Spike was talking about here. Spike was talking about him. Not Buffy, HIM. Yes, he was mentioning the name Buffy but he was talking about a new Buffy. How much he liked how she changed, how her blushing warmed his unbeaten heart, how she made him feel alive.   
  
Xander's heart was about to stop when he read the last words.   
  
_If love of old was as earth shattering as I have foreseen it.  
  
Then now I am in a death grip of thy acts and smiles and words for only death now would free me from thy grasp.  
  
A kind touch against my cheek, a gentle word in my ear, a glance in my eyes and thou would see me for who I really am, a man in love with thy Golden Locks._  
  
Xander's eyes widened, his lips trembled with emotions. Spike loved him. He actually loved  _him_. Not Buffy. He loved the new blonde girl, which was him, Xander Harris. HIM! He bit his lip with excitement. He couldn’t believe Spike loved him. But the proof was here written in badly rhymed poetry.  
  
_Feeling schoolgirl-y here, anyone?_  
  
He suddenly huffed.  _Why do I feel so happy about Spike being in love with me? It's not like I'm in love with him, right?_    
  
He felt a tickling in his tummy, his eyebrow rose with wonder  
  
_Am I hungry or something?_  He thought. Then it began to come back to him. He remembered Buffy telling him about this feeling.  _"Remember Xander, when you feel tickling in your tummy A.K.A my tummy, it isn't because you're starving or that you have gas. It means that a vampire is approaching you."_  
  
His eyes gleamed. "Oh, the Buffy spidey sense."  
  
Afterwards, he heard Spike's voice from upstairs, "Buffy?"  
  
Xander quickly replaced the papers in the box and put things exactly like they had been before. After that, he jumped and stood by the burnt down bed, trying to act nonchalantly.  
  
Spike came down the ladder. He looked at the blonde slayer with wonder. "You're here again?"  
  
Xander frowned, "Again?" Then it hit him that Buffy must have come down here before. "Oh…Yeah, I've been here before, yeah!"  
  
Spike jumped the last few steps and turned around to look at him. "What are you doing here?"  
  
Xander thought the question over. "I wanted to ask if you would patrol with me on the west side 'cause I just finished the east." He flashed a big grin.  
  
Spike shrugged his duster off and threw it on the burnt desk. "Just came through the west, pet. All cleaned up."  
  
Xander bit his lip. "Oh"  
  
Spike looked at him expectedly. "So? Gonna go home now?"  
  
Without thinking, Xander answered, "No."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Xander blinked several times, seeming to think of some thing to say. "Dawn doesn't need me 'cause… she has to study for an exam. Will and Tara are… working together, you know, getting the relationship thing back together. So I wanted to hang." Xander didn't really know what the others were doing. He guessed that Buffy, Willow and Tara were going through the Trio's stuff looking for a way to switch them back. He, on the other hand, preferred staying with Spike than listening to Willow whine about the lack of information they were sure to find.  
  
Xander looked around the room. Making conversation he asked, "I guess you did some cleaning up in here."  
  
Spike leaned against the cold wall trying to sound cool, "Place was pretty messed up after the cardboard ex nuked it. Not a nice sight if you know what I mean."  
  
"Uh huh."   
  
Spike gave him a long stare, before pulling out his lighter and pack of cigarettes from his pocket.  
  
Xander started eyeing the other stuff in the room, trying to find something to distract Spike with other than himself. He found a pile of books on an old desk, the same one that Spike draped his duster over as he came in. He walked towards them. He took a book and went through the pages. "Oh, you read?"  
  
Spike just raised an eyebrow.  
  
Xander rolled his eyes. "I know you can read, I just didn't know you read for the liking of the read."   
  
Spike shrugged. "Yeah, was a geek before I got myself vamped."  
  
Xander's eyes widened. "Oh, you were a geek?" he exclaimed, excited.  
  
Spike smiled. "Yeah, no need to make fun or anything."  
  
"Not making fun, I like geeks, look Xander, Willow, Giles …" He clicked off each name. He grinned at the vampire then added with enthusiasm, "And I like poetry."   
  
Spike nodded knowingly. "Yeah, you took a class in college before you dropped out."  
  
Xander was impressed. Spike knew a lot about Buffy. Even more than he did, he actually didn’t know Buffy had taken poetry.   
  
He took a book and gestured with it at Spike. "Would you read me some poetry?"  
  
Spike frowned at the strange behavior. Xander knew that Spike was happy with the big changes that the girl he loved went through. Spike might like him more than the real Buffy, but Xander should be careful with his actions, after all, the vamp still thought he was Buffy.   
  
Thinking rapidly for an excuse, Xander started babbling, "'Cause I um… I'm the slayer. The one who has to kill demons, save the world, raise the ex-ball of energy, keep watch over her ex-addict friend and get her back together with her lesbian lover… And I like poetry and demand some now!" Xander gave a sheepish smile.  
  
Spike shook his head, taking the book. "If you demand."  
  
Xander smiled and headed for the bed, wanting to take a seat. He stopped at the sight of the dirty, burnt bed.   
  
Spike shifted uncomfortably, "Uh, yeah, 'bout that. I didn't clean everything up, you see, I …"  
  
Xander gave him a beam. "It's okay, Spike. Hey, what you say we clean the place up together first thing tomorrow morning?"  
  
Spike looked at him shocked but with grateful amusement and then smiled, "Alright, luv."   
  
_Still have it in her to surprise me._  Spike thought as he turned the bed mattress over causing the dust that was on it before to fill the room. Xander began coughing as he inhaled the dust filled air and glared at Spike as he tried to stop sneezing when dust bunnies entered his nose.   
  
Spike chuckled and apologetically gave Xander a handkerchief he took out of his jeans pocked.  
  
Xander gratefully took it.  _Wow, a gentleman vamp. Who knew._    
  
Spike brought some covers out of the bottom of the trunk that Xander avoided looking at and fixed up the bed. He then stood beside the bed and motioned for "Buffy" to sit. Xander shook his head and waved at Spike to sit first.   
  
Spike smirked and laid back down on the bed, resting the book between his thighs, his arm held open to Xander and an inquiring look in his eyes. The former boy narrowed his eyes at him before climbing onto the bed. He settled down beside him and awkwardly rested his head on the vampire's shoulder. Spike's arm wrapped around him, holding him tight. Suddenly, it wasn’t so strange but actually comfortable. The hand of the arm that held him starting flipping the pages of the book. Spike settled on a poem and began to read.   
  
Xander didn't know one word of what Spike was reciting. He just liked to hear Spike's voice. He also enjoyed the feeling of being held and read to. He snuggled more into the vampire's hold.   
  
Spike continued reading and lost himself in the poem until he noticed the even breathing. Buffy was asleep. He put the book aside and fixed the pillows behind him then lied down as gently as he could so the sleeping young woman in his arms wouldn't wake.  
  
Spike stared at her face as she slept quietly. This was the first time she had stayed there sleeping with him, not after wild sex. Spike had got to admit, he missed the wild sex. It was one of the disappointments he was feeling when he was around Buffy nowadays. He missed the snark followed by rough sex... he wouldn't push it though. Because whatever he and Buffy had before was never like this. As if their relationship was… a relationship.  
  
She lay there sleeping peacefully, trusting, and Spike somehow knew that in the morning, this time, she was going to be there. Not angry and blaming before storming out like before but being the new her that he had fallen in love all over again with. He wanted to stay all night gazing at her serene face but he couldn't fight as sleep claimed him and he drifted to a missed peaceful slumber.  
  
  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
_So all in all, Diary, it’s been a weird time in the Summers’ residence. Everyone is acting SO out of character. Buffy’s jumpy, actually a couple of times wore non-matching eye blinding clothes, Willow’s suddenly magic free and acts really assertive and Xander’s turned gay and gives Tara googly eyes.  
  
If I didn’t know better I would’ve thought they exchanged bodies.  
  
…   
  
…   
  
…   
  
Um, Diary… you remember when I told all about how this is the Hellmouth? Yeah well, you think about that while I go bust some supposedly adult skulls!!!_  
  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  
  
  
Dawn stormed out of her room not even bothering to close her dairy. She ran downstairs as fast as legs could carry a fuming teenager, catching up with Buffy, Xander and Willow at the door before they left the house.  
  
"Wait!"  
  
She stood on the last step of the stairs wearing a hard look on her face, her arms positioned on her hips. Her eyes bore into the three, who stopped walking immediately.   
  
Buffy, Xander and Willow all looked at her waiting for whatever she was going to say. Eventually the redhead had it, "What is it?" she asked her, annoyed.  
  
Dawn just observed and didn't answer.  
  
The redhead asked with irritation, "Dawn? What do you want? Don't you see we're going out?"   
  
The young man looked concerned. "What is it, Dawnie?" His expression was worried.  
  
The blonde smiled goofily and said. "We can take anything you have to offer other than an apocalypse, so spill.”   
  
"Uh huh!" Dawn exclaimed pointing an accusing finger at them.  
  
All three blinked at her.  
  
She pointed her finger towards the redhead. "Buffy's 'big sister annoyed at her little sister' tone.”  
  
Then, she pointed her finger towards the dark haired young man. "Willow's all the time worried expression."  
  
Finally, she had her finger pointed at the blonde. "Xander's well known sarcasm."  
  
She went back pointing her finger at the redhead. "Buffy."   
  
Next at the young man, "Willow."  
  
Then the blonde, "Xander."  
  
At herself. “Pissed out-of-the-loop teenager.” Scowling, she placed her hands on her hips. "Why didn't you all tell me?"   
  
Buffy, who she knew now was inside of Willow body, - _this is creepy,_  Dawn thought-, sighed, "We didn't want to put you in the middle of it, you were having your exams and we thought it was better if you stayed out of it."  
  
_Okay, that was so Buffy,_  Dawn thought before huffing. "Oh, c'mon Buffy, it's not like I never faced any strange situations with you guys. I mean, when you gave me that ‘woman talk’ when I asked a question I felt…"  
  
"Woman talk?" Buffy asked, wide-eyed. "What woman talk? I didn't give any woman talks!"  
  
Nervously, Xander raised his hand. "I… I was the one who gave her the… um woman talk."  
  
Willow raised both eyebrows with amusement.  _Xander? Women talk? Need details! Poor Xan, hehe._  
  
Sighing tiredly, Buffy turned to Dawn trying to end this conversation. "Okay, sorry for not telling you and I promise I'll tell you about any other weirdness going on with us."  
  
"Well, that’s better!" Dawn said, pouting. "So, am I the only one who knows?"  
  
"You and Tara are the only ones that know, yes." Buffy answered.  
  
"You didn't tell Giles!" Dawn gasped, astonished.  
  
"We don't need his help. We can fix this ourselves," Buffy stated firmly.   
  
"Yeah, right. I expect this had been going on nearly a month. Why didn't you fix it already?" Dawn said with irony.  
  
Buffy looked at her warning, "Dawn, it's just… this is a secret! Don't you tell anyone!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. By the way, care to tell me how it happened?"  
  
"Oh, sorry, Dawnie," Willow said then turned to her look-alike. "Buffy, I think we really should head out to the Magic Box right now. Tara’s waiting."   
  
"Right," Buffy said. She looked at Dawn. "Don't leave the house while I'm out. Got it?"  
  
Dawn grimaced. "I think I like Xander better as my big sister."  
  
Xander looked touched. "Aw, thanks, Dawn!" Buffy grabbed at him and pulled him outside, following Willow.   
  
Dawn watched Willow driving Xander's car away before directly heading for the phone. Not hesitating, she dialed a number and waited.  
  
A voice she longed to hear answered, "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, Giles, I think we have a problem."  
  


 

*~*~*~*~*~*


	7. Chapter 7

****  
  
  
  
It was a dark night and a darker abandoned building. She got punched in the face by the creature she hated the most. She looked at him angrily and punched him.  
  
_That jerk. How dare he say that?_  Hitting him again, the blonde girl thought furiously,  _Pig. Idiot._  She shoved him back, watching him stumble against the refrigerator in the kitchen of the moldy house. She kicked him hard sending him flying back into the living room. She marched into the room after the fallen vampire and stood watching as he got up, her arms were crossed.  
  
He grinned, his usual annoying grin. "Ooh, poor little lost girl," he mocked.   
  
The vampire jumped up and grabbed the chandelier, swung forward and kicked her, hard, with both feet in the face. She fell roughly to the floor, her head spinning, still she could hear him talking, "She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love."  
  
She got up angrily as he walked over to her. She grabbed him and threw him against the staircase, smashing the banister to bits. She stalked towards him, looking at him with disgust.  
  
"Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot!" She watched him get up, wanting to shove her hand down his throat and pull his guts out. She felt a diversity of emotions wash over her. She was pissed, hurt and distressed. All she had to do to get rid of these unwanted emotions was to look at that thing.  
  
She wanted to hurt him the same way he had hurt her. Irritate him the same as he did her. She walked towards him with hatred shinning in her eyes. "Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?" she sneered.   
  
Spike swung at her but she ducked. Quickly, she punched him in the stomach, grabbed him by his shirt and threw him across the room, again. He crashed into the fireplace, causing pieces of it to crumble as she walked slowly toward him again.   
  
"Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is following me around making moon eyes."  
  
He looked up at her from where he had landed. "I'm in love with you," he whispered sincerely.  
  
She was still advancing. "You're in love with pain," She gritted her teeth, "Admit it." She watched him getting up. "You like me... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?"  
  
He stood face to face with her. "Hello! Vampire!" he pointed out before swinging at her again, but she blocked it and punched him back. Spike grabbed her and pulled her closer.   
  
"I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side," he gritted out through clenched teeth, shaking her.  
  
He threw her against the wall and she hit it hard enough to cause a big hole before dropping heavily to the floor. She wasn't even able to take in a single breath before Spike was over to her, throwing her across the room again. She landed harshly on her back and gasped for air while Spike stood over her. He leaned down and grabbed her by the lapels of her jacket.  
  
"What's your excuse?" he asked roughly.   
  
_Shut up!_  She mentally yelled and put her hand over his face, shoving him venomously away. Spike flew backward, taking a chunk out of a wall. He staggered to his feet in less than a second.  
  
She leapt at him and they flew back toward the staircase.   
  
After few minutes, Spike had her pinned against the stairs, chuckling irritatingly. She punched him hard. He punched her back and lifted her up to look over her face.   
  
"I wasn't planning on hurting you," he said smirking, "Much."  
  
"You haven't even come close to hurting me."  
  
"Afraid to give me the chance?"  
  
She broke his hold and threw him against the wall. He hit it hard causing another big hole in it joined with cracks appearing all over.  
  
She grabbed and pushed him up against the wall, looking at his face with… lust. She couldn't help but admit that he was a good sight to look at. She liked feeling his arms around her. Feeling… yes, that was what she wanted, that was what she needed, what she had been seeking. She needed to feel, she knew it wasn't right, that it was wrong, but she couldn't help wanting it, the sense of feeling; existing again. Now if only he would shut up so she could have it.  
  
"You afraid I'm gonna…"   
  
_That's it!_  She shut him up by kissing him on the lips, hard. He didn't respond at first, she bet it was too much of a shock to say the least, however soon she felt his lips part, then he was kissing her back passionately. She needed more. She slammed her hand into the wall, creating another hole, in order to get her arm around Spike's neck where she held on tightly. There was a lot of noise around her but she tried to ignore it by kissing harder still.  
  
They moved away from the wall, still in a lip lock. Spike slammed her up against another wall that was still standing. She shoved him away and following him as he stumbled backward across the room. She pushed against him again and continued following. Behind her, she heard things smashing but for some reason what she was doing commended her full attention.  
  
She shoved him up against another wall and resumed kissing him fervently. He lifted her up against him and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Kissing like she never kissed before, she reached her hand down between their bodies and with no second thought opened his fly. She lifted herself up and thrust her body against his, impaling herself on him. She looked at him and found him gaping at her in shock. She only stared at him in return, her body slowly moving.  
  
What the hell was she doing? This was crazy! She had to stop. But she couldn't resist those eyes staring at her with daze and wonder and… hope? That was it. She was through with being 'rational girl'. In fact, everything about her made no sense whatsoever. She was supposed to be dead now. Actually, she was supposed to be dead years ago. She wasn't supposed to be here and everything around her wasn't right, wasn't as it was supposed to be. Giles was gone, Willow and Tara weren't together because Willow was abusing magic and Dawn's grades weren't good like they were. She just wanted at least one moment, one moment of release, one moment away from it all, to forget, maybe feel alive, or at the very least just feel, anything. She stared at the gorgeous man holding her and decided. She began to move up and down slowly, her expression filled of pleasure.  
  
She kissed him with all she had, feeling his luscious lips sucking her tongue. He entwined his tongue with hers and kissed her in away that made her feel like he was a drowning man. Vaguely, she felt him turning them around and pushing her up against the wall. She reached up with one arm and grabbed the wall behind her in order to steady herself. She could hear the chandelier falling from the ceiling and smashing into the floor.   
  
There was a lot of noise and she didn't doubt for a second that the house was falling down around them, but she couldn't even pretend to care. She felt amazing and do to that she kept kissing and moving against the man who was doing the same thing in return to her. She broke the kiss abruptly, needing to breathe, and leaned her head back against the wall, gasping and panting. She felt Spike resting his head on her chest.  
  
She leaned forward to wrap her arms around him and pushed her lower body against him encouraging him to give more but instead caused them to fall. The entire floor gave away and they fell through it to the basement level, but still she felt them continue to fall, fall, fall…  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander jumped on the bed, startled. He looked around the room panting, and then sighed with relief once he realized he was in Buffy's room. His body was shivering hard and he ran his arm through his blonde hair.  _What a dream,_  he thought with amazement. He lay down still panting, feeling his body shudder hard, still feeling the affects from that intense dream. No, no dream, memory. That had to be the roughest sex he had ever felt, including the really fleshy ones. Not to mention the emotions Buffy had. That was too much for him.  
  
Through all this, he felt how Buffy desperately wanted it, the pain of it, but that wasn't 'love' he had felt. Her experience with Spike was not love. It was just the need of release, the need to exist again. Buffy was hurting and alone and she needed that, empty sex, that was all it had been. The same thing that happened between him and Faith, except for the fact that Faith was only horny and he was there so BANG!  
  
He remembered how naïve he was when he had thought that there had been some kind of connection between him and Faith. That she actually had liked him and wanted a relationship. Or that she might have needed a friend at least. However, when she had tried to strangle him, he realized that he was only her sex toy. He couldn't put into words how much the feeling of being used like that had hurt him, how it still did whenever he thought about it.  
  
He remembered the way Spike looked at him the first night he had met him after the whole switch thing. He recalled the look of challenge that had blazed in the blue eyes, trying to prove that Buffy wanted  _him_  and not just the sex. Did Spike really think that Buffy loved him? It was obvious to anyone who cared to look that she was only using him. He felt his heart twist a bit for Spike for more than one reason.  
  
Xander sulked for a minute. What was going on with him? Yes, he had 'the talk' with Tara to answer that, but still. Why was he feeling this way about a soulless murderer? Why did he care about his feelings? Just because Spike was in the same position he had been in years ago didn't mean he had to feel bad for him.  
  
_One only has to look at the irony of it, we were both used by a slayer. Albeit a different one and, well, him more than me…_  
  
Xander knew he was attracted to the bleach maniac, both physically and emotionally. He also knew, after a month of hanging full time with Spike, that the vampire had changed. He was not like Angel, who acted more human than vampire. He still acted like the monster he was but a monster in love, a monster with feelings and love. He also knew that he was falling for him, hard and fast.   
  
Xander remembered how he used to loathe the vampire. The fact that Spike was a vampire was reason enough to hate him, in Xander's book. He was a killer, a murderer, the evil undead. But how could a soulless creature fall in love with anyone? When you were looking at a person who turned into a vampire you were looking at the one who killed him, that was what Giles had told Xander.  
  
He frowned at his way of thinking; it had been a while since he had thought negative thoughts about Spike. He guessed, no knew, it was because of the tender way Spike had been treating him all this time, in away that he rarely received from living breathing blood relatives.  
  
He never forgot even for one second that Spike was a vampire, the creature he loathed the most, but still he wanted to hang with him.  
  
Xander smiled musingly remembering the way Spike sucked and licked his neck in the dream, the feeling of those muscular arms around him, surrounding him and even now he felt safe because of that. And what was more the feeling of Spike in him. He closed his eyes evoking that feeling of completeness, those lusty blue eyes staring at him, as he…   
  
... he blinked suddenly and promptly got up from the bed.   
  
_Hold it there! I was imaging sex with Spike?! About Spike… being… in me?!_  
  
He grimaced sensing the wet spot in his underpants, and headed straight to the bathroom.  
  
_Gotta take a bath… no, better yet a cold shower._  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
With horror, Xander eyed the big case of video tapes that Willow had brought from his apartment and dropped in front of him. He knew he and Anya had a large collection of movies but never thought they were so many. He was supposed to watch a movie with Dawn today since Buffy and Willow had to go out. Buffy to college to meet study buddies because she blew her last exam and Willow had extra hours at work. So that left him, since he could use a day without the Magic Box, to stay with Dawnie whose friends were too busy to hang out.   
  
He looked up at the joyful version of himself with a smile of his own. "Thanks, Will. Now we're gonna have our girly-movie-night-watching minus the night part."  
  
Buffy gave him an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Xand, I know you hate to be treated like a girl but Dawn wanted someone to watch movies with at home. And both I and Will can't stay."   
  
"Hey, Buff. It's okay, I'm not complaining, do you see me complaining? No, 'cause I'm not. I'm just looking forward to see a mushy-girly-movie with my currently little sister," Xander spoke sarcastically with a huge scary grin on his Buffy-face.  
  
Willow looked everywhere other than the scarily grinning blonde. "Uh… where is Dawn, anyway?" she asked, wishing that Xander would just loosen up.  
  
Xander sighed. It was not their fault that they had to be out nor that he ended up being in a girl's body, more particularly Dawn's big sister's girl's body. "She's in the kitchen making a big bowl of…"  
  
"The popcorn disappeared… I can't find it anywhere!" Dawn's voice rose from the kitchen cutting off the former boy's answer.   
  
Buffy and Willow looked at Xander. "We know where it went," Buffy said looking at Xander's stomach.  
  
"I left some, look for it, Dawn!" Xander yelled to the kitchen while glaring at Buffy.  
  
Buffy sighed. "You gotta be careful, Xander, this is a serious matter, don't make me fat!" she warned scowling at him.  
  
"You could use some weight, Buff, you're too thin, just skin and bones," Xander mumbled carefully, giving her a side glance, not wanting to anger her. She was in Willow's body after all. Who knew, maybe she could trigger something and he could end up in a body worse than a weight-watching girl's.  
  
Buffy exhaled tiredly looking up. "Please, God, give me back my body. Please. I saved the world lots of times. I mean, c'mon, that gotta count for something," she pleaded, heading up the stairs to Willow's room to dig up her books. Willow chuckled following her up, leaving Xander to try and hide all the Freddie Prince Jr. teen movies under the cushions before Dawn came out from the kitchen. No way in the Hellmouth would he be watching them.   
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
"So, Will, how's everything going on with you?" Buffy asked as she entered her mother's old room.  
  
Willow shrugged, following her former body into her ex-bedroom. "Well, I can't say that I got used to the whole being a guy thing. It's still overwhelming." Her face suddenly lit up. "But I can say I can handle the morning hard-ons really well, thank you."  
  
Buffy gave a disgusted look, shaking her head to remove the image that appeared.  
  
"Tell me about it." Willow sighed. "I still remember when I'd called Xander early in the morning the first time it happened 'cause I was really freaked out, and I wanted him to tell me what to do. I never thought that guys would..."  
  
Buffy held a hand stopping her from finishing. "Whoa, you already reached the Too-Much-Information redline, Will. No need to go any further. Just stop and slowly back away."  
  
Willow looked helpless. "I just wanna say that what I'm going through is beyond weirdness. It's weirder than when I first found out about the whole vampire monsters stuff."  
  
"Hey, it's not just you. I always have the wiggins when the red locks drop in front of my vision."  
  
Willow gave her a look. "C'mon, Buffy, admit it, you have it way easier than me and Xander."  
  
Buffy pouted. "It's still hard." She sighed heading towards the desk to get the books. "Do you realize that it's been a month since we'd switched?" she asked.  
  
Willow's hazel eyes widened. "Really? That long?"  
  
Buffy turned facing her and nodded slowly with a sad smile.  
  
"Oh God. I never realized that," Willow whispered, unbelieving.  
  
"Will, are you sure you haven't found a way? I mean, you've got all the nerds' stuff," Buffy spoke softly running her hand on Willow's arm to calm her.   
  
Willow glared at Buffy. "If I did, don't you think I'd be in the body you're occupying by now!" she shouted, shaking off Buffy's hand, "I wouldn't be in this big, hairy, body with unusual responsive parts that I'm not used to because I was born in another gender kind of body!" Willow was now yelling and pacing in the room.  
  
Buffy, recognizing that Willow was freaking out, pushed her to the bed and held her down. "Willow, chill, calm down. It's okay. We'll find a way. It's gonna be fine, breathe, Willow, breathe."  
  
Willow inhaled and exhaled several times before finally relaxing. She looked at Buffy, worried. "Buffy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," she exclaimed the apology.   
  
Buffy hugged her tightly. "It's okay. You're allowed to freak out. I'm surprised you haven't done it sooner."  
  
Willow looked down sadly. "I did. When I was at Xander's alone. I would cry and sob and do many unmanly things 'til I fall asleep."  
  
"Willow, why didn't you tell me about this?" Buffy asked worriedly.  
  
"I just… didn't want to make such a big deal out of," she muttered quietly.  
  
"But, Willow, it  _is_  a big deal. Both me and Xander are going through the same thing. We will understand if you freaked out. Promise me, Will, you'll talk to us about this, okay?"  
  
Willow nodded slowly looking down. Buffy kissed her on the cheek and stood up giving her a hand, then pulled her up when Willow took her hand.   
  
Willow went to the door while Buffy gathered her books and followed her.  
  
Outside, Buffy stopped in her tracks to smile at Willow. "You know?" Willow stopped walking and looked back at her. "Even though I'm so anxious to get back to my body, I'm not sorry the whole thing happened." Her smile got bigger. "I got to know a lot about you, Willow, through the dreams, your friends in college and… I'm hanging a lot with Xander now, it turned out I missed him so much… like I miss you now," she said the last part softly.   
  
Willow returned the smile. "I understand," she agreed. "I missed you, too. And Xander's life is not easy and I  _hate_  working on the construction site."  
  
Buffy nodded. "I've noticed that." She ran her eyes over her friend's body. "And I also noticed that you lost a lot of weight. Go girl."   
  
Willow grinned looking at her Xander-body. "I did, didn't I? It's just that since I humiliated Xander by shaving his arms, I thought that it'd be nice to put his body on a diet. He had gained a lot of weight since the wedding day approached."  
  
They grinned at each other and went downstairs. They glimpsed Xander in the living room going through the movies. "Bye, Xan!" both of them yelled as they exited the house.  
  
Xander waved his hand without looking at them. "Bye!" he called holding a tape and reading the title of the movie.  _'About Adam'? That's the British movie Anya got a week before the wedding. I remember that after she'd watched it alone, she'd refused to let me watch saying it gave out a bad message to fiancés. Hmmm, let's take a look since I'm no longer a fiancé._  With that thought he put the tape in the video and pressed play.  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Buffy and Willow walked chatting all the way towards Xander's car. As Buffy laughed at a joke Willow told, her eyes caught a gnome with a red hat next to one of the garden's trees. She stopped walking and gasped.  
  
"What's wrong, Buffy?" Willow asked worriedly.  
  
Buffy, scared as hell, pointed at the elf. "What the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard?"  
  
Willow looked at it with a frown and headed towards it. Buffy followed her with her lips trembling with fear. "Did you put that there when I was dead?" she asked Willow, who shook her head, "Was it Tara? Or Dawn?"  
  
"I don't think so, Buffy. I never saw it before."  
  
"Well, then I don't care who put it there. I don't like it! And if I had known that it was there when I was dead, I would have crawled out of the grave sooner to break it!"  
  
Willow shrugged. "Be my guest."  
  
Buffy kicked it hard and it broke into little bits, the redhead smiled with satisfaction. "Now that’s better!”  
  
Willow frowned kneeling down. "Buffy, look."  
  
They both knelt beside the gnome's head and saw a tiny camera inside it. Willow picked it up and held it out for Buffy to see.   
  
"God," Buffy whispered incredulous, she turned to Willow, "Do you think… ?"  
  
Willow nodded firmly. "Yeah, I think tonight is gonna be another research night." She turned looking at Buffy. "Are we all gonna be there?"  
  
"Well, you, me, Dawn and maybe Tara."  
  
"What about Xander?"  
  
"He said that the Magic Box needed some cleaning and organizing, so he'll head there tonight since he's gonna spend the day watching movies with Dawn."  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Inside, Xander's eyes widened at the sex scene in front of him, the girl was having the time of her life. He had fast forwarded the movie wanting to see what had got Anya in such a twist, and paused at that. The girl was moaning and gasping with pleasure while that handsome Adam guy was sucking on her neck and shoving his penis inside her. Xander began to get wet as he remembered the dream he had last night. He remembered the feeling of Spike entering him, the feeling of him inside of him. He felt his nipples hardening and began to shift uncomfortably. He wanted sex. And not just any sex, a Spike kind of sex.   
  
"Ewww!"   
  
He jumped at Dawn's shout and turned to find her standing by the door with the popcorn bowl in her hands. "What the hell are you watching, Xander?" she demanded, looking grossed out.  
  
"I was just looking for the right movie!" he explained swiftly getting the tape out.  
  
"There are lots of Freddie Prinze Jr. movies with them," Dawn stated, sitting on the couch.  
  
"No, there isn't."  
  
"Yes, there is. I was the one who asked Anya to buy them and called Willow several times to make sure she brought them  _and_  if you won't put one of those in, I'm gonna tell Buffy you let me watch a sex scene." She smirked knowing that she would have her Freddie Prinze Jr. movie for sure.  
  
Xander just groaned as he retrieved the tapes from their hiding place.  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
  
That night in the Magic Box, Xander was organizing jars and books in their shelves with Spike helping him, since the vampire knew about these things more than he did. But, to his credit, Xander had learned a lot since he had began working in the shop. As Xander's hand reached to take an item from the table to put it on the shelf, his hand brushed against Spike's who also tried to do the same thing. Xander looked up at Spike, who smiled leaving the item for Xander to take and took another one. Xander took the item, placing it on the shelf. His eyes didn't leave Spike.  
  
Spike walked behind Xander to grab a box full of old tombs. Even though Spike hadn't even touched him, Xander gasped and felt a fluttery feeling inside his stomach. Spike turned, looking at him with a frown. "What is it?"  
  
Xander shook his head fast. "Nothing!"  
  
"Don't look like nothing."  
  
"Really, I'm fine. Now, just... finish your work." Xander pointed a finger at him with a scowl, earning a raised eyebrow from Spike, who shrugged and headed for the box.  
  
Xander mentally sighed with relief and went back to work.  
  
_This is gonna be a LONG night._  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
At the Summers' residence, Buffy, Tara and Dawn gathered around Willow ,who was working on the computer, searching and doing her thing trying to discover if the Trio had placed any other cameras around. Willow still wasn't used to the big fingers she had and missed several keys a number of times.   
  
Dawn was watching the dark young man she always thought of as funny-geek-that-doesn't-know-how-to-use-a-computer Xander, and here he was, running his fingers smoothly over the keyboard. She leaned to whisper in Tara's ear. "I still can't believe that Xander is behind the computer looking all smart, even though it's really Willow."  
  
Tara leaned next to her ear. "I can't believe that I kissed her looking like that. That was the first time I kissed a man," she whispered back.  
  
Dawn's eyes widened. "No kidding!" She was not sure which she was surprised at more, that Tara had had her lips on Xander's or that she had never had them against another man all her life.  
  
"Hey, you two." The two of them turned to see a grim-faced Xander. "I can't work with you whispering stuff about me… or Xander for that matter."  
  
Both of them looked down in mock shame. "Sorry," they muttered through their giggling.  
  
Willow sighed and felt Buffy patting her on the shoulder. She finally turned her attention to the computer.   
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Back at the Magic Box, Xander and Spike both collapsed to the floor, tired of systematizing and cleaning. Xander sighed, laying his head against the counter before taking a deep breath when Spike turned to him. "Don't lie down yet. You've got nasties to eradicate," Spike reminded him of his usual night job as a slayer.  
  
Xander groaned, rising again. "How about I use you as a pillow instead?" Then he laid his head against Spike's chest and burrowed down.  
  
Spike wrapped an arm around him. "Well, Spike here don't mind, as long as Buffy won't blame him for it the next day."  
  
Xander looked up. "Buffy wouldn't," he said softly blinking prettily at him.   
  
Spike smiled. "Yeah, I know. Before I won't have believed it, but now I do." He tightened his hold around Xander. "You know, Buffy, I'm really happy that you're starting to change your opinion about me."  
  
Xander shifted uncomfortably in Spike's embrace knowing where this was heading. "You've always looked down on me," Spike went on. "I thought I'd never have a chance with you, but still I stayed. And since you've been brought back from the dead by your friends…" Xander shivered, he recalled that dream he had about Buffy coming back from the dead. How horrible the feelings he had felt were. Lost, scared and alone.  
  
Spike felt the body against him tremble and cursed the slayer's friends silently. Hr also cursed himself for being idiot enough to bring up such a horrifying topic for her. He held her even tighter, as he carried on, "You started to spend more time with me than them. You were telling me things you wouldn't tell them about, I knew then that I'd have you, have your heart, 'specially after that kiss and those fine three fine rounds of animal shaggin'."  
  
Spike smirked while Xander blushed, remembering last night's dream.   
  
"It didn't happen though," Spike's tone was sad. "We just shagged 'cause you just wanted someone to take your mind off your life and I was convenient," he said bitterly. "Sometimes I just wanted you to get the hell away but there comes times I wanted you in my arms and never let you go 'cause I was the stupid git who fell in love with you."  
  
Spike's harsh tone startled Xander, who broke from the embrace. He quickly stood up and started towards the other side of the shop, wanting to get away from Spike. It wasn't the fact that he was afraid for himself from Spike, it was that he was afraid from himself for Spike. Each time Spike spoke about what Buffy did to him and got emotional, Xander started to get that… needy feeling. Wanted Spike to touch him, make feel like he did in the dream, suck him and lick his body… Buffy's body!  
  
_This is wrong_ , he thought, his eyes growing wide. He could hear Spike's voice as the vampire was approaching him. "But lately… you seemed to change a lot since your trip to reality land, figment of your poisoned mind or not, and thought that Sunnyhell was only a nightmare along with your sister and friends. I think somehow it helped in how your attitude towards me had changed, drastically, and I'm loving every second of it."  
  
"Spike…" Xander said, his back still to Spike.  
  
Xander was cut off by Spike grabbing his arm and spinning him around to look into his eyes. He was trapped again in Spike's arms. His hands were resting against the vampire's hard chest feeling the play of muscle. His breath was hitching at the sight of Spike's lips and wanted nothing but kiss them hard. Not to mention, doing other stuff…  
  
"Let me talk," Spike whispered softly. "I always loved you, Buffy. Always have, always will. But never thought it would be this way."   
  
Xander looked up at him, confused.   
  
"You remember when I told you that you make me feel like a man. Never believed it like I believe it now, never loved it like I love it now, all of it. The way you laugh, the way you joke, the way you blush…" He ran his finger on the pinked cheek, smiling. "Never loved you like I love you now," he whispered the last part faintly, leaning forward.   
  
Xander closed his eyes as Spike bent to kiss him. The kiss was soft at the beginning but that hadn't lasted long for as soon as it started it became passionately hard and bruising. With Spike's tongue seeking access to his mouth and getting entangled with his in an eternal dance, Xander lost all rational thought. His hand mechanically reached for Spike's pants and grasped the fly, opening it to free the hardened penis. He attentively reached out and ran his small hand over its length, amazed at its feel since technically this was the first other male member he had ever touched. He took pleasure in hearing Spike gasp into his mouth as he got adventurous and began squeezing.  
  
Spike drew back looking down overwhelmed at him. "It's been a long time…"  
  
Xander cut the soft murmur by latching back onto the vampire's lips. Spike drew back again from the groaning girl and looked down seriously. "You sure you want this now?"  
  
Xander raised an eyebrow with the 'isn't it obvious?' look written all over his face and then grabbed Spike's head pulling it back down and pressed his lips to Spike's. With one arm around his neck and another one was squeezing his penis. Xander found himself short of a hand. Spike took this opportunity to shift his hands under Xander's blouse. He growled in frustration at its tightness and swiftly ripped it causing the buttons to jump all over the place.   
  
His eyes flashed yellow at the sight of the rounded enticing breasts that were trapped in that restricting bra. He gasped loudly at the strong squeeze the girl gave him, groaning with pleasure as she rubbed herself against his chest. "Oh, yeah, Buffy… yeah, like that. It's been too long."   
  
Suddenly, Xander's eyes snapped wide and he stopped. He drew back from Spike fearfully, looking at the vampire in shock.  
  
Spike looked confused. "Buffy? What's the matter?"  
  
_Buffy!_  Xander's head screamed.  _I'm using Buffy's body._  He thought with dread. He looked down and gasped at the sight of Buffy's blouse ripped off showing her breasts that were covered by the black bra. He wanted to reach with his hands to cover his friend's chest but he was too shocked to do it.  
  
Spike approached him, looking down at him. "I thought you were ready," he spoke slightly guilty.  
  
Xander looked up at the sad eyes, drowning in their depth. His eyes swept to Spike's lips, wanting nothing but to suck on them. With the corner of his eye he saw Spike's penis begin to soften. Xander shook his head roughly as the images of the dream appeared in his mind. He wanted that penis hard and inside him. Wanted the pleasure he felt in the dream but this time he wanted it in reality.  
  
_But you can't do that to Buffy,_  a voice of reason shouted in his head. And it was right. He had been using his best friend's body and that was wrong no matter how much he wanted it. He couldn't do it now. He should wait until he got back to his own body. The question was would Spike still want him then? The vampire had confessed that he was more in love with him than he had ever been with Buffy.   
  
The problem was that he was in love with him, the personality, that was trapped in Buffy's body but if he knew the truth, would he want him? If he knew that he was actually Xander Harris, the wanker, the ponce, the guy he had always hated, the guy that had never trusted him and always made fun of him, would he still want him? Even though Spike was in fact in love with him, that love was attached to the fact that Xander was in Buffy's body. A female, a soft skinned, small bodied, with boobs female. Not to mention that she had been the love of his unlife for nearly two years.  
  
What would Spike's reaction be if Xander returned to his body? Would he trade a soft female body to a big bodied hairy male? The answer was painfully clear.  
  
Xander raised his Buffy-green eyes to meet Spike's gaze. Spike was biting his lip, still looking at him with concern. Xander knew the he wanted this more than Spike ever did but that wasn't fair to Buffy… or to Spike for the matter. Spike was in love with him thinking that he was Buffy, not Xander. Even supposing Spike had said he loved the new Buffy more than he did to the old one, that didn't mean that he would want him when he and his friends would switch back.   
  
Spike might hate him because he tricked him. Used him. He was no better than Buffy. Although Buffy might have been lost and confused when she used the vampire, which was still wrong. What was Xander's excuse? He was alone and hurting over Anya. That was at the beginning, but now that was all behind him, now he was in love with Spike.  
  
His eyes widened.  _I'm in love with Spike,_  he thought, astounded at the revelation. His eyes narrowed not believing what he had just thought.  
  
"I'm in love with Spike."  
  
"What?"  
  
Xander looked up at the equally wide eyed Spike. They stared at each other for a moment before Spike grabbed him into a hard, hungry kiss. Spike angled his head sweeping his tongue deep into Xander's, who had a strong grip on Spike's shoulders. The former boy moaned when he felt Spike's cock hardened again against his thigh. Man, he wanted this. Wanted it bad. He wasn't positive he would get it if he returned back to his body. In fact, he was sure that he wouldn't, so he had to seize the moment. He would have this moment of happiness and enjoy it while it lasted but after that he _would_  tell Spike the truth. He promised himself. He was not going to be like Buffy. He wasn't using Spike because he actually loved him, and he was going to tell him that, but, first: a hot round of amazing Spike sex.   
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
At the Summers' residence, Willow was still working on her laptop. Her eyes widened with excitement. "Hey, hey, I think I've got something!" she exclaimed.  
  
Buffy, Dawn and Tara looked over at her. They looked at each other with raised eyebrows as Willow continued typing and didn't tell them what she had found. "Talk, Will. What did you find?" Buffy asked impatiently.  
  
"Technology's pretty sophisticated, lots of booby traps and firewall stuff..." she answered while she watched a radar diagram of concentric circles on the screen of her laptop.  
  
"But can you get us a location?" Buffy asked. Those geeks might still be working here in Sunnydale from another location. Maybe they even have the answer to how to return them back to their right bodies.  
  
"Well, hey, I'm still me. Just one – whoa," the now-young-man gasped at the sight in front of her.  
  
"What?" Buffy asked.  
  
"There are other cameras," Willow answered as a tiny image of the exterior of the Bronze appeared. "Oh my God, the Bronze, my classes at campuses, Xander's site..."  
  
"They've been spying on these places?" Dawn asked, gaping.   
  
"I can tell there are more feeds. I… I'm just having a harder time pinpointing them. Here, lemme..." She continued typing.   
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
In the Magic Box, Spike swept a pile of stuff off the table with one arm to clear it. Then he replaced Xander on top of it. Xander was only wearing a black bra and panties. Spike laid Xander back on the table panting while a bare chested Spike moved on the top of him, between open legs and kissed the outstretched slayer passionately.  
  
Xander moaned as Spike's penis brushed over his womanhood. Spike's hands held his arms over his head while continuingly kissing him animally. The now blonde girl was thrusting up at the lean body above him burning with need. Xander never thought he would ever be in this kind of position underneath another male taking him as a woman, and he was sure he had never thought that he would be taking pleasure by it.  
  
Spike's hands ran through his, entwining their fingers before leaving his hands and moved down over his arms, massaging his sides, brushing over his hips and finally settling over his ass. The vampire tugged him hard against his body and Xander's fingers went for Spike's nipples, flicking them causing them to harden. Spike groaned and pressed his hard length against Xander's crotch.  
  
Xander gasped tearing his mouth away from the vampire and looked up at him. "Spike, please… I want… please… "  
  
Spike gave him a wolfish grin before he tore the black bra and flung it away. The vampire ducked his head and began sucking on Xander's nipple. Xander groaned placing his hands on Spike's head urging him to do more. He held on to the bleached hair when Spike's teeth lightly nipped at them. Xander couldn't be anymore turned on.   
  
"Spike… please… please," Xander moaned begging for what he wanted but Spike couldn't let him have it easily, still evil and all.  
  
"Please what, pet?"  
  
Xander glared at the sexy smirk. He was not going to give Spike the satisfaction of asking for it like a woman. Spike went back to take care of the other breast before Xander could take an extra a breath. He started doing things Xander had never dreamed of before. Moreover, he was torturing him by brushing his cock against his wetness in light touches but no more.  
  
Xander couldn't take it anymore and began panting, "Spike… please… want… "  
  
Spike looked up, already in game face it seemed that he was at the end of his rope himself but he wasn't going to be the one to break. "Want what, luv?"  
  
_Why won't that stupid vamp get on with it already?!_  Xander thought with frustration.  _He just wants to humiliate me. Make me act like a girl. That bastard. Well, that is if he knew that I'm actually not the girl he thinks I am. I'm actually not a girl. Oh, he's looking at me with that stupid smirk on his vamp face._  
  
Xander unconsciously raised his fingers to touch the ridges of Spike's face. Spike shuddered realizing that he was in game face and changed back.  
  
"It's okay." Spike looked down confused at the girl's smiling face. "It's alright if it was easier for you to stay like that. I know who you are and I'm fine with it," Xander spoke gently before frowning a bit. "I'm finally fine with it," he whispered trying to convince himself, too.  
  
Spike bent down kissing him as passionate as he could. It was a very long kiss that was cut off by Xander, who cursed his need to breathe. Xander looked hungrily up at Spike. "I want you, Spike. I want you in me now," he spoke those words huskily forgetting all about his manly ego.  
  
Spike flashed back into game-face the impact of what Xander had told him too much and kissed him wholeheartedly. Xander wasn't scared at all as he felt the vampire's fangs in his mouth and fell willingly into the bruising kiss. As Spike kissed him, his hands were pulling Xander's underwear from his body, leaving him entirely naked.  
  
Eagerly, Xander pulled down Spike's pants, thanking God that he had opened the fly before or he wouldn't be able to in the excitement of it. He also thanked him for the fact that Spike apparently went commando. The only time he had seen Spike partially naked before was when he had ran into him doing his exercise naked in his bed. But Spike wasn't fully naked because he was covered up waist down. Now, it was naked city.   
  
It was it, the big moment… it was the moment of truth. Spike was going to pound him into the mattress, or table in his case. "God!" Xander gasped as Spike was inside him in one long thrust. Spike shuddered as he was enclosed in the soft, tight hold. Slowly he began pulling out and pushing back in, keeping steady thrusts into the warm, soft body that writhed beneath him. Xander was moaning and panting with the thrill.   
  
_This is a LOT better than the dream._    
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
In the dining room of the Summers' house, Willow was still typing and three young women were looking at her patiently. "Here, I think there are a couple more transmitters on the network, I just... ucch, I've almost got a picture on them."   
  
She continued typing and a picture of the Magic Box showed. "I think I've got the Magic Box," she exclaimed excitedly. She looked at the screen and stood up faster than a wink. "Whoa!"   
  
The other girls were alarmed by her reaction and Buffy got up looked over at the screen. "Wait, Buffy, no," Willow warned her, but Buffy looked, anyway, and her eyes widened as she saw her body naked on the table of the Magic Box with Spike over her.  
  
She gasped placing her hand on her mouth. "Oh, God!"  
  
Tara and Dawn ran behind them and stared at the screen, entranced. They watched Spike thrusting into Xander who was in Buffy's body. That hadn't seemed to stop him for he was moaning with pleasure. Dawn gasped and Tara quickly put her hand over the teenager's eyes.   
  
Willow was looking worried at Buffy who was watching in horror. Willow didn't know what to do. She snapped out of it and sat on her chair in front of the laptop and began typing.   
  
Buffy slowly removed her hand from her mouth. "I… what is he…?" That was her best friend having sex with her former lover using  _her_  body. That was making no sense. Why was Xander doing this? How dare he do this to her? Using her body like that. And when did he ever like Spike, anyway?  
  
Her eyes narrowed dangerously as she looked grimly at the screen. "That's enough!" she spoke firmly and stormed out leaving Willow to her typing.  
  
"You know, we… we aren't even really sure what we're just seeing here, there could be something…" Willow tried to make an explanation to what they were seeing.   
  
Dawn snorted, her eyes still covered by Tara's hand. Tara looked at her girlfriend/boyfriend concerned. "Willow, honey, Buffy's gone."  
  
Willow drew back from her laptop in alarm. "What?" she shouted and stood up, racing to the front door, not aware that Buffy had got out from the kitchen's door. She quickly opened the door to get out but was stopped as she slammed against a taller man's chest and fell on her butt.  
  
She looked up fast not feeling the pain, only looking up, shocked. Her eyes widened at the person she had slammed against.  
  
"Giles?"  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Xander was breathing hard as he ran his fingers through the Spike’s bleached hair. The vampire was resting his head on his chest. Xander lay down exhausted for a few minutes before Spike raised his head with a smile and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips.  
  
Xander smiled through the kiss. Spike backed up a little to look at Xander's green eyes. "Care for seconds?"  
  
Xander wanted to scream 'yes!' but his smile vanished and sadness replaced the happiness that was in his eyes. "Spike, I need to tell you something."  
  
Spike bit his lip. "What?" he whispered sounding insecure, probably thinking that this was all a mistake and that by his reckless actions the old Buffy would come back.   
  
Xander ran his hand softly over Spike's cheek. "No, it's not about you. It's about me. I…" He lowered his eyes miserably. "I'm afraid you're gonna hate me after this."  
  
"Never hate you for anything, Buffy," Spike spoke sincerely.  
  
"That's the thing," Xander began, "I'm not…"  
  
The Magic Box's door swung open so strong it slammed against the wall revealing a very angry redhead. Buffy made a disgusted face at the sight of her real body naked under Spike's. She stalked heatedly towards the pair grabbing a blanket that was covering a table full of magic items. She didn't even spare a glace to the crashed glass and shoved Spike off Xander, throwing the blanket at the blonde girl.  
  
"Cover my body with this, you jerk!" Buffy snarled, looking furiously at a shame-faced Xander who started to cover up.  
  
Spike got up from the ground, game faced. "What the hell are you doing?"   
  
Buffy turned to look at him with disgust. "And you! You say you loved me. And you can't tell the difference between me and him!" she yelled pointing at Xander.  
  
"What the bleedin' hell are you yappin' about?" Spike growled, confused.  
  
"Spike…" Xander whispered trying to explain.  
  
"Shut up, Xander!" Buffy shouted at him and turned to face a very confused Spike.  
  
"What?" Spike asked again before he found himself thrown backwards at the wall and the redhead in front of him attacked his lips shoving her tongue in his mouth violently.   
  
Xander watched them kissing and trembled. Being naked had nothing to do with his shaking body. His hands were clutching the blanket that covered him strongly.  
  
When the kiss ended, Spike looked wide eyed at the redhead he had always known as Willow as she drew back looking at him heatedly. "Now do you remember me, Spike?" _Willow_  asked.   
  
_Buffy,_  Spike thought, shocked.  _This is Buffy?_  
  
"I'm the real Buffy,"  _Buffy_  confirmed his thoughts. "I've been in Willow's body for almost a month now and the one you were pounding here is Xander."  
  
Spike turned to face the blonde girl on the table, his demon mask shifted back into shocked human features. Xander winced at the damaged look he found looking at Xander from Spike's blue eyes. He had seen that look directed towards him a lot of times in his life, in the eyes of people who loved him and who he had harmed.  
  
In Willow's eyes when she had caught him and Cordelia kissing. In Cordelia's eyes when she had found him kissing Willow. In Anya's eyes when he had left her at the altar. But none of them were compared to the look Spike was giving him right now. Xander cursed himself for causing all that pain to the people who cared about him the most, for screwing every relationship he had ever been in. He knew what Spike was thinking right now. He was thinking that he had been used again, that Xander was playing with his emotions, like Buffy had done, but that was not true. Xander was nothing like Buffy…  
  
Xander loved him.  
  
"Spike …"  
  
He stopped at the look Spike gave him. It was a look that said that nothing he would say could make anything alright again. That Xander had lost him. As fast as vampire speed could allow him, Spike put on his duster, loosely pulled on his pants and without bothering to put on his shirt he dashed out of the Magic Box, leaving a fuming Buffy and a guilty Xander, feeling his chest ache and his heart begin to shatter.  
  
  


 

~*~*~*~*~


	8. Chapter 8

The instant Spike had exited the Magic Box, Buffy turned her fuming eyes towards  _her_ trembling body. Her mouth twisted down, showing disgust at the sight of her body being exposed, even though her 'privates' were covered, that hadn't changed the fact that it was naked under the blanket. Xander must have noticed her scrutiny as he used a t-shirt to help cover up as well. HIS shirt. It sickened her to think of Xander using her body to have sex with Spike… she shuddered wholly at that.  
  
Still, it didn't matter who it was. Even if it wasn't Spike, the idea of Xander using her body like that… it made her feel…  
  
What? Embarrassed? No, a bigger word… humiliated, mortified. Thoughts swirled in her head taking out one another. Xander was her best friend. He was like her brother for heaven's sake. How could he do this to her? She knew that Xander did it of his own free will, because Xander had been clearly enjoying what Spike had been doing to him. And Spike cared too much to force her. Spike was truly in love with her and would never hurt her.   
  
Or would he? If Spike really loved her, he would have been able to distinguish between her and Xander. On second thought, she looked at the core. Why wouldn't Spike be forcing Xander? He was a soulless vampire after all, feelings for her put aside. Moreover, when did Xander of all people started even liking Spike?   
  
"Aren't you going to say anything?"  
  
Her thoughts were cut off by the emotional tone of her own voice. She turned to be faced with her grim expression glowering up at her. "He didn't deserve that treatment, Buffy," Xander gritted out.  
  
 _Of all the nerve,_  she thought irately.   
  
"Oh, yeah, he sure did!" she spat. "And you deserve more than that! How could you do this to me, Xander? How could you even consider having sex with Spike?"  
  
"Well, you did it first!" he shouted aloud, ignoring that it sounded overly childish reasoning but it was true nonetheless.   
  
Buffy froze for a second. It was evident that Xander had found out about her and Spike, obviously from his blond accomplice, so she shouldn't be surprised. She had actually been overly naive to think that Xander hadn't had any clue after all this time. Her friend had spent most of his time in the company of Spike for the past month. Spike would have told him everything by that time. She knew how Spike loved to remind her of their past.   
  
Although, she was surprised that Xander hadn't brought it up before now not to mention a little bit curious to why not. If he had known all that time, he would have said something. He had always done so. When he had caught her with Angel after Angel's return from Hell, making out might she add, Xander had gone straight to Giles and the others and told them everything he had witnessed. It was a Xander thing to always express what he didn't like openly with feeling. What had changed now?  
  
"Oh c'mon, Buffy," Xander began. "Did you really think that I wouldn't have figured it out after all this time?"  
  
She looked up at him. "How did you know?"   
  
"Spike told me," Xander answered simply. "And I had a dream," he added, blushing.  
  
"You… you had dreamt about…" Buffy stuttered, her cheeks burning red. She wondered quickly which one he had caught a front row show of.   
  
Xander quickly looked around and spotted Buffy's clothes on the floor. He jumped off the table finding the best excuse to avoid the situation. He started collecting Buffy's clothes planning to wear them. He winced when he found the ruined bra.   
  
 _Well, can't wear this anymore._  he thought and tossed it away not even thinking that someone might find it thrown on the floor the way it was. He was too busy playing distracted to care. He was picking the scattered clothes with one hand since the other was still holding the black t-shirt together with the blanket, securely.   
  
He was about to leave to the training room, but stopped. He looked at Buffy. “I think I could dress in front of you, seeing as it’s your body and all,” said with a shrug but in a somewhat flat tone already placing the shirt gently on the table.   
  
She looked at him confused for a second. “Huh? Yeah… wait NO!” she yelled when Xander was about to drop the blanket. He stopped and looked bewildered at her. “There’s a camera somewhere in the shop and the others might still be watching,” she explained.  
  
“A camera?” Xander jerked back turning his head around looking everywhere but nowhere in particular.   
  
“Yeah, how did you think I knew about the…” she let the sentence hang not able to finish it. A bitter taste still filled her mouth.   
  
Xander felt the embarrassment rise to his face once more. “You all saw…?”  
  
“The whole big shebang,” Buffy finished for him cynically feeling anger and humiliation burn through her vanes. She had a fleeting thought about her being in Willow's body and if her anger infused the magic that had to be lying dormant there something bad might happen, but she pushed the thought back focusing on things that were more important.   
  
Xander, irritated, stepped forward towards her. “Hey, now look…”  
  
“Don’t say anything!” she snapped. “And please put some freaking clothes on. You make me look cheep.” She couldn’t help the waver in her voice. She tried so hard to keep herself from breaking down, at least in front of Xander. Looking at herself wrapped in that blanket, standing there as if she was a whore just finished with a client, it nauseated her.   
  
Xander grabbed her clothes and walked slowly to the training room without a second glance backwards.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander cursed when he found out that there was only one button left in Buffy's blouse. Why didn't he wear a top under it? He shook his head, he was thinking like a girl. Well, it was Spike's fault for being too enthusiastic and tearing off his clothes. He groaned. Man, he had to go after Spike and explain everything to him.   
  
Soft sobs could be heard from outside the training room. It had been noticeable earlier that Buffy was saving them until he left the room to make himself more decent. He couldn't describe how he felt about the way Buffy kept looking at him. Her eyes were filled with disgust, shame and humiliation. And, on top of it all, understandable rage. It made it worst that she was wearing Willow's face, too. It was like both his best friends were looking down on him.  
  
A loud gasp was heard and Buffy's crying started getting louder. Xander bit his lip. It broke his heart the way his friend was hurting over this. He had let her down. He was a jerk. Buffy had always felt uncomfortable when he had to go to the bathroom or was having a shower wearing her body. She had never adapted to the idea of him seeing her body naked. Now she had to deal with him having sex while he was in it. She had to deal with the idea of Xander moaning and groaning while someone was squeezing  _her_ breasts. Xander shuddered with disgust, which rose when he sensed himself physically reacting to the memory. He couldn't blame Buffy for feeling ashamed and dismayed. He would be feeling the same thing if he were in her place.  
  
 _God, why did I do this?_  Xander closed his eyes feeling miserable and depressed. He rubbed his face, trying to relieve some of the tension. He had had sex with Spike because he thought the vampire wouldn't want him if… when he returned to his body, so he had seized the moment. What else could he have done? He loved Spike. He wanted Spike to touch him. He was too turned on to stop. He was… selfish.   
  
Yes, that was the word. He did that for his own self-centered notions. He knew there would have been no chance at all for him to be that close if Spike found out the truth. So, he went through with it, knowing outright that 'it' was wrong, hurting both Buffy and Spike in the process. He only thought about himself. He hadn't given a single thought to what Buffy's feelings about that would be. That was because he had known what they were going to be and he had brushed them off the moment Spike grabbed him into a hard, hungry kiss. He hadn't considered Spike's feelings as well for that matter. He should have known that Spike would feel used about this.   
  
Xander wanted to smack himself. So… he did.   
  
"Ow," he yelped rubbing the back of his head. He leaned his head towards the door that connected the shop to the backroom and listened. Buffy's soft cries could still be heard.   
  
Xander waited a few minutes until Buffy's sobs began to lessen. Soft hiccups could be heard through the separating wood. He had to go. He had to make it right with Spike. But not before he apologized to his friend, and made things right with her. When Buffy's crying seemed to have subsided, he headed out.   
  
With slow unsure steps, he entered the main section of the shop. Buffy was giving him her back and had begun wiping at her eyes the second she heard him coming out. He approached the redhead taking each step one at a time.   
  
"Buffy, I'm…" he shut his mouth when she raised her hand.  
  
"Don't say a word," Buffy spoke firmly. She turned around, her Willow-green-eyes were all wet and swollen. "This is just too much. I… I don't know if I could ever forgive…"  
  
"Whoa, whoa," Xander cut her off holding his hands up. "Buffy, c'mon! It's Xander, your best bud. I know I screwed up but…"  
  
"It seems that's all what you do lately," she sneered spitefully.  
  
Xander dropped his hands, looking offended. "What's that's supposed to mean?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I'm sorry, forget it…"  
  
"It's not like you're all perfect-gal yourself! Want a reminder?" Xander spat out not wanting to just 'forget it'.  
  
"Shut up!" Buffy yelled at him. "Don't throw my life in my face just like that. Xander, you used my body for sex."  
  
"I know! Listen I'm…"  
  
"Just like Faith did," Buffy whispered brokenly and turned away. Tears threatened to slip down from her eyes again.  
  
Xander just stared at her in shock. He remembered two years ago when Faith and Buffy had switched bodies. In fact, it was the only thing he thought about since  _their_ exchange situation. 'How did Buffy handle being inside a murderer's body?' was a question he always asked himself and 'Is that why she got the hang of their predicament before him and Will?' It must have been a breath of fresh air for her to be inside Willow's body.   
  
That time, when Faith was living inside Buffy's body, she had slept with Riley. That had really upset Buffy. Xander had always thought that Buffy was depressed because of Riley. That he had slept with Faith, even though Faith was wearing Buffy's body at that time. That he should have known that it was not Buffy if he truly loved her and knew her well. But judging from the redhead's expression, it wasn't just that.  
  
"It hurt you that she used your body for sex, too, huh?" Xander asked knowing that it was true.  
  
Buffy exhaled trying to compose herself before turning towards him. "No one likes it," she stated. "I mean, you don't see me running after college guys. I know Willow won't like it. You too Xander. Don't you remember every night getting the nerves whenever Willow and Tara spent the night at your apartment? How you would call Willow every few minutes to remind her not to try and 're-experience sex from a male body this time the other way round'? Didn't the thought of Willow having sex in your body make you feel uncomfortable and panicky?"  
  
Xander was looking at the ground now. He nodded slowly answering her.  
  
"Then what about me, Xander?" she asked. "Wouldn't I, shouldn't I, be all uncomfortable about this? Didn't you think for a second how I could stand to be in the same room with you knowing what you did? I can't be around you anymore without thinking… picturing it."   
  
Buffy couldn't help the bitterness that washed over her with every single word. She looked over her messy body. The blonde hair was chaotic. The blouse barely covered her breasts seeing how only one button was holding it together. Xander wasn't even wearing a bra.  
  
Her anger began to rise. What was Xander thinking? Were all men jerks? Including her own friend who had been there by her side for six years supporting her through all those said jerks? She knew Xander could act like it sometimes but not to that extent.   
  
"So what?" she heard Xander asking. "That's it? Our friendship's over? Buffy I made a mistake…" he pleaded with her.  
  
"Don't you see, Xander? It's like everything changed and nothing makes any sense any more. I mean Spike? The one person you hate more than anything, remember?  _You_ had sex with  _Spike._  I feel like I don't know you anymore," she spat and started feeling dizzy.   
  
"That's what I thought, too," Xander spat back, "When I found out about you and Spike I thought the world was about to end. The impossible had happened. I mean you! All those times I told Spike to get lost, that he didn't have a chance with a girl like you… and all of a sudden,  _bam_ , you were actually sleeping with him the whole time I was saying that?"  
  
"I was going through a hard time. You don't know what I was going through."  
  
"Oh, I know," Xander whispered sadly. "Dreams, remember?"  
  
She shook her head hard, causing the red hair to jump from side to side. "It's still not the same."  
  
"I know," he said calmly.   
  
"So you felt the same thing?"  
  
"What? About the getting pulled out heaven thing?"  
  
"No, you idiot, about the Spike thing. Why didn't you face me back then and throw this in my face? What changed? Why now when I found you out?"  
  
Xander didn't answer. He remembered that night like it was yesterday. He was angry at Buffy as well as hurt that she had never told him about Spike. Furthermore, that night Spike had kissed him for the first time and he had liked it, a lot. He was confused and shocked. He couldn't get his bearings straight. His feelings about the whole thing were messed up. He wanted to face Buffy and tell her how it sickened him that she would even be contemplating the thought of having sex with a soulless thing not to mention doing it over and over. But couldn't. Not with Xander lusting after the same soulless creature, eventually developing feelings towards him.  
  
Xander's silence was the answer that Buffy didn't need. She started backing away her eyes widening with horror. That explained the way Xander was holding on to Spike's shirt earlier. "No, don't say it, Xander. No. You?"  
  
He looked up at her. "Why is it so hard to believe? Just because you couldn't love him doesn't mean that I couldn't either."   
  
"Xander, it's you!" she yelled that as if it was the most valid reasoning in the world.  
  
"Yeah, well, I know how this could be shocking. But it's the truth. I'm in lo…"  
  
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Xander Harris!" She raised her finger warningly.   
  
"What do you think of me, Buffy? Do you think I would sleep with the guy just to make me feel good? Use him then walk all over him? I'm not that kind of person."  
  
"Don't judge me, Xander," she spat.   
  
"I'm not judging. Buffy, I know how you felt the first time you did it with him. You just needed to feel. You knew it wasn't right but you did it. And then you're all with the 'blame Spike thing' even though [I]you[/I] were the one who threw herself at him first."  
  
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Buffy shouted with her hands on her ears and shaking her head violently.   
  
"Truth is so hard sometimes, isn't it?" Xander shook his head, knowing that fact personally.   
  
Her hands slipped down as she looked wretchedly at him. "I was…"  
  
Her whisper was cut off by the Magic Box's phone ringing. She glanced at Xander for a second then went to answer it.   
  
Xander looked down for a minute letting Buffy talk to Willow, he guessed, on the phone. He stared down at his blouse, technically Buffy's, and grimaced when he noticed the nipples were almost peaking out. He tried to cover himself with his hands but that was too tiring. He looked around for something then noticed Spike's shirt on the table where he left it and guessed he could wear it to cover up.  
  
Buffy closed the phone and turned towards him. "It was Willow…" She caught Xander looking at Spike's black shirt as he was contemplating slipping it on. She took off her sweater, leaving her with only a purple top on, and walked towards him holding it out.  
  
"Here," she said softly trying not to sound too obvious as she took his attention off Spike's shirt.   
  
He peeked up looking at the sweater in her hands and took it not glancing at her. "Thanks," he murmured.  
  
Buffy sighed. "C'mon, let's go home. Willow said that Giles came. It seems the gig is up."   
  
Xander's face shot up.  
  
"Giles?"   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
With a loud slam, the crypt's door opened. With a louder slam, it closed. Spike strode, face set in a grim expression, towards the small refrigerator set in the corner. He yanked the small door open almost pulling off the already shabby hinges and hauled out two bottles of beer then pulled back, not bothering to close the appliance letting the cold spread into the already chilly room. Nevertheless, it was not like he would notice in the state he was in, or even care.   
  
He unscrewed one bottle and downed half of its contents. His eyes blazed over and the earlier events were brought back. He chugged the beer, squeezing his eyes shut trying to erase the memory but that only served to make the picture clearer behind his eyelids. Spike growled at the two faces in his memory. He pulled his arm back and angrily threw the bottle at the opposite wall causing glass shreds to scatter all over in little glints in the dark crypt. He kneaded his eyes with his hand trying to remove 'the sight' from behind his eyelids. He then unscrewed the second bottle and tried to drown the memory but to no avail.  
  
Flashes of sounds and images, that were not more than an hour ago accrued, returned to him with startling and horrid clarity. He was in the middle of what he dubbed the happiest day of his life. Where for once, someone he loved returned the love he had for them with equal passion, and just like the cruel fates it was snatched away from under his grasp tearing his heart open along with it.   
  
Spike lifted his head higher drinking down his sorrows and leaning against the tomb that once used to be his resting-place. He had a bed in the lower level but he wouldn't - couldn’t - go down there. Not after what happened. Yes it was a place where he and the woman he loved had had sex in every corner of, but that wasn't it. It was, however, the room that held the bed where HE held the woman he loved while they both slept in each other's arms. That memory alone dampened the countless numbers of orgasms they had and found itself a place on the top of his list of blessings, on the top but not the first.   
  
The first was when they made love, for the first time. Now that shop was a place Spike wasn't visiting any time soon. All those times it was just to give her a sense of existence. But that last one, it was for both of them. Spike giggled madly thinking that no, it wasn't the last time, it was the first time. It wasn't the woman he loved who had made love with him, it was another. A man, her little chum, Xander Harris. His chuckles diminished after a while.   
  
It was fair, he supposed. Everyone he got to know well, and in a way care for, used him. Angelus, who he was just a freaking fuck toy for, Dru, who saw him as a nanny and a doll to dress up, Angelus again, even Harmony used him in her own way needing a place to stay. They were vampires, soulless right? They were supposed to be evil and hurt others. Even Cecily, who didn’t have a chance to use him, hurt him and she turned out to be a bloody vengeance demon. But Buffy? She was the slayer. All goodness and light and being kind to bleeding stray puppies. Guess he wasn't even a mangy mutt.   
  
She pounded him for information even after he confessed his undead love for her and still asked him for his help without acknowledgment. Then the slayer died and he was stuck with a sense of loss and guilt he had never felt before, counting the days of her passing, thinking up ways he could have saved her. Then came her friends, who took her away from her reward and as happy as Spike was to see her again he knew something would end up wrong. And it did, at least on his end. Buffy became dark and angry with her friends. She refused to tell them the truth and chose to let out her sorrows to a dead ear who she threatened if he told anyone. But that wasn’t the bad part of the deal, not the least. Spike had enjoyed the small connection that he had with her. The badness came later.   
  
When Spike was sick of her bringing herself down and pounding him into the ground, leaving him for dead, he chose to fight back. She gave as good as she got but she outmatched him by kissing him then impaling herself on him, taking him by surprise. Not only was Spike a man, he was a vampire and he wasn’t one to turn down an offer of a rough and tumble. Bloody hell was it rough! More of that came, and Spike found himself feeling dirty with each passing day, as he knew that Buffy was only doing that to make herself feel. But what was more disgusting was that he became addicted to it. When Poster Boy came back into town with his old lady it was like a slap on the face for Buffy and that broke it, both their ‘relationship’ and his crypt.   
  
Then Harris of all people. Even though Spike didn't like the boy, much, Spike respected him, a little, when he heard how Xander stood up against Angelus, the fights they had undergone together in the events in the midst of Glory and after Buffy's death. They gave him a sense of camaraderie. He trusted him and actually saw him as a friend. The boy even invited him to his non-wedding. Spike thought they were on good terms. Well, not that good but still better than the three years before. Then something happened. Spike guessed Warren and his posse. The Scoobies had switched bodies and chose not to tell him. Guess he wasn't trust worthy, anymore.   
  
“Fine,” Spike said bitterly. “That’s alright, use me and then shove me off. I’m used to it.”  
  
Spike threw the empty bottle over his head and it knocked against the fridge door closing it before the glass shattered. He pulled out a cigarette and with a snap of the wrist it was lit. He took in a deep drag letting it linger in his cold, dead lungs giving them a sense of warmth, before releasing it in a barely visible gray cloud.   
  
He guessed that it had been going on for a while and he wouldn't be surprised if the blonde witch and Dawn were clued in. Buffy found a home in Willow's body, Xander in Buffy's and Willow in Xander's. That explained the change in Red's attitude towards him; it had been the slayer talking. Not to mention how Harris turned into an even wimp-ier man. The moves, the attitude, he had known something wasn't right, he had known it.   
  
He had also known that if he pursued it he would have found out why Buffy was treating him like he actually existed, but he wouldn't be happy with what he would have found. That it would end. Therefore, he had counted his blessings and lived the dream. But all dreams end, and for him it had ended with a nightmare.   
  
“Another name to be added to the bleedin’ list.”  
  
A few seconds later found him lying on his back on the stone tomb gazing at the grimy crypt ceiling. Distractedly, he relished the numb feeling that usually came after a shock. He smirked bitterly, thinking of how two out of four of the original core Scoobies had had a go with him. That left Rupert and Red. Well he knew the old watcher swung that way but the redhead witch was into birds. He shrugged and blew several smoke rings into the damp air. That wouldn't stop the crafty bitch! She had brought the slayer back with her magic. All she needed was to botch her mojo, or not, and he would become a chit and she could have her way with him too.   
  
Yep, he was open 24 hours, seven days a week, well except on vacations, for Scooby pleasure! ‘Use me, then use me again’ that was his motto.  
  
"Sod it!" He jumped off. He started pacing the crypt. Soft mutters leaving his lips. "I just lie down and take it, I maybe used to it, well, no fucking more, never again, sod them, no, I won't!"  
  
Xander. Spike rolled that name in his head. He felt something wash over him. He guessed it was anger. After much searching, he found a sense of betrayal as well. He rounded the corner. Why? Betrayed… it wasn't like they were bosom buddies or anything. Sure, they had had a couple of beers here and there. Talked about women and their tendency to make men's lives miserable. They had even lived together once, though with reluctant acceptance from both sides, but they had formed a sort of truce. Hadn't they?   
  
Sure, the banter still existed. Heck the boy was the only one Spike could have some sort of real conversation with. Truth be told, even after the whole 'becoming the slayer's semi-ally' the first person who had noticed his presence when a crisis or a new demon needed a good ass kicking weren't afoot was Harris. He would make a quip at the blond's expense and vice versa. If Spike ever made a statement, the others would mostly ignore it but not Harris. He would either reluctantly concur or twist what he had said into a joke at Spike's expense.   
  
Then this exchange of bodies happened and all bets were off. Spike wondered how long the whole thing had been going on. If he had to guess it would be somewhere along when he was actually getting a chance to know the woman he loved. But that hadn't been her, which explained the fun Spike had actually had during that period. He chuckled bitterly. The boy must be new to the whole using/discarding Spike thing. He had actually made an effort to be nice and get to know each other before hand. Maybe it was a plan to hurt Spike even more?   
  
Spike rounded the other corner and lit another cigarette after discarding the used one. He stopped in his tracks and looked down with a frown. That was him. A used cigarette discarded after sucking all that was of worth from it. He felt his anger boiling the cold blood in his veins.   
  
He waved his cigarette at an invisible audience. "You fucked with my head, I let you. Well freebees are over kiddies. The big bad is back!"   
  
Spike suddenly decided to put his light out. By roughly slamming the hand that held it into the brick wall crunching it. If that didn't put it out, the slow outflow of blood sure would.   
  
Spike tightened his jaw furiously and dejectedly watched the measured drip, drip, drip of his blood on the cold floor echoing in the lonely crypt, deciding what to do next.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Buffy could not describe the happiness that washed over her at the sight of Giles. He was standing by the stairs, his eyes warm and lips curled up into a tender knowing smile. She ran towards him and grabbed him into a big hug.   
  
"I'm so glad you're here," Buffy whispered softly. And she was. She might have wanted to prove that they were capable of handling problems on their own without his help. But seeing him, feeling him hold her, she knew that everything was going to turn out fine.  
  
"You think I would, too," Giles chuckled. "Willow informed me of all your slipups since I left and it seems you all still needed me," he finished fondly, tightening the embrace. Giles might have left to teach Buffy some sense of responsibility, but he wasn't surprised when Dawn had called to ask for help. Giles missed being needed, missed Buffy. He knew that here was where he belonged.   
  
He had no problem picturing the redhead, formerly called Willow, as Buffy. They both were little girls and if he closed his eyes, he could picture the red locks blonde. Soft blonde hairs tickling his chin and left cheek.  
  
He smiled. It wasn't like that with Willow, though. The former girl seemed to forget that she was larger than she used to be. She had been so very happy to see him that she had actually flung herself at him and knocked him down. Of course, that was followed by a horrified gasp from her, her jumping up after almost crushing him with Xander's weight, helping him up and apologizing with red cheeks and pure Willow loveable babble. The sweet girl she used to be had resurfaced. Strangely in a boy's body but Giles knew that being in a magic-free body had helped her return to her normal roots. Hopefully, after he returned them to their respective bodies, her magic would not over run her again.   
  
It was extremely hard to hear about everything that had happened while he was away. Willow had become addicted to Magic, something that did not surprise him. Dawn had been shop-lifting, his store being one of the victims. Buffy had to work at the Double Meat Palace. Xander had left Anya at the altar and Anya in return left the Magic Box to Buffy and shortly afterwards left Sunnydale. Subsequently, Buffy, Willow and Xander had got themselves switched by three idiotic boys, Warren, Jonathan and another boy he didn’t remember. Moreover, with Xander being in Buffy's body he was apparently sleeping with Spike.   
  
Giles glanced at the blonde girl that was standing uncomfortably by the door. She couldn't seem to bring herself to look at him. She looked fragile, hurting and awfully lost. Giles frowned at the black shirt she was clutching to her chest. He didn't doubt that whoever owned that shirt was a bleached blond vampire. Nothing seemed right. Giles felt anger rise in him for many parties including himself. He felt the intense need to hit something but he knew that this particular situation needed him to remain calm.   
  
"Hello, Xander," Giles said with a kind smile, breaking gently from Buffy's embrace.  
  
After a few seconds, a pair of sad emerald eyes looked up at him. There was an attempt to return the smile that apparently failed. "Hey, Giles," was said in a soft whisper before the eyes were shamefully downcast again.   
  
Buffy tensed beside Giles. It was too much. She couldn't stand being near Xander right now. It was still too soon. The picture was still fresh in her mind. She glanced at the others, anywhere but at her used body. She noticed Dawn and Tara in the living room. They seemed to be avoiding looking at Xander as well.   
  
She caught Dawn's somewhat guilty look and knew that she had been the one to call Giles. But at that particular moment Buffy couldn’t bring herself to be mad. She was actually somewhat grateful for her sister's disobedience of her orders. Since she was too frazzled to think of anything. Giles was there and he would make sure everything would be all right. That of course didn’t mean that Dawn was off the hook, not by a long shot. Buffy gave her sister a significant look, 'later'. She couldn't bring herself to do anything more than that.  
  
"I think I need to be alone, I'm heading up to my room." She smiled resignedly at Giles. "I'm really glad you came back, Giles. I just need to…" Her smile faltered and she was about to leave when…  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
 _His_  anxiety filled voice stopped her in her tracks. She felt a sickening shudder run through her body. She didn't want to hear that pitch or anything related to its carrier. It took her less than ten seconds to realize that it wasn't Xander who spoke, even if it was his voice that had addressed her. It was Willow. Her sweet trustworthy Willow. She looked at her best friend… her real best friend. Willow's worried expression, that Buffy knew and loved, was revealed by Xander's features.   
  
Willow's face gave away to a nervous smile. "You can't just go now, I mean…"  
  
"And why is that?" Buffy asked challengingly. She hated that Willow was stuck in Xander's body. It just made her want to slap her on his face.   
  
Willow was shifting from foot to foot, energy bubbling in her that she couldn't let out in words. Buffy turned to Dawn and Tara indicating with her head. "What's wrong with her?"  
  
Dawn smirked smartly. "Well, let's just say she's too excited for words to have her own skin back."  
  
Buffy didn't get it. "What?" She still couldn't get passed the need to smack that face.  
  
Tara beamed. "She meant that Willow is so happy because you three are going to return to your bodies."   
  
Xander's face shot up. His green eyes opened in shock.   
  
Buffy blinked. "What?"  
  
Willow was jumping cheerfully. "Giles… he… spell… I'mgonnareturntomybody, AT LAST!" she squealed joyfully.   
  
Xander grimaced, his mind leaving his prior predicament to allow some room for embarrassment. His face turned so red one would think he had transparent skin. It was mortifying to see his man body jump up and down like a giddy schoolgirl who was just asked to the prom.   
  
Dawn and Tara giggled, obviously thinking the same thing. Giles looked amused. Xander sighed and for once didn't reprimand Willow for acting that way. Humiliation was a small price to pay for what he had done.   
  
On the other hand, Buffy just shook her head. She couldn't seem to take what had been said in. "Come again?"  
  
"Giles here, is gonna give you guys back your bodies, you're gonna be your real selves. You're gonna be you again, Buffy." Dawn answered smiling at her currently redhead sister as if she were a four-year-old child.  
  
Buffy looked at Dawn in shock. She thought that was what she had heard. But was that true? She turned towards Giles, looking stunned. He smiled affectionately nodding at her and hugged her again. She was glad he did, because she was about to pass out of happiness. She held him strong and her tears back as thoughts rushed in to her mind.   
  
 _Why now? Why not two hours before?_  
  
Xander's mouth was gaping like a fish out of water. It was opening and closing but no sound came out. He was going to be a man again. No more walking in a girl's shoes. He would be addressed as Xander, not Buffy.   
  
 _Things are going to turn out better now, right? They have to. Only way now is up,_  he thought with uncertainty.   
  
He didn't know whether to be happy or sad. Of course, he was happy about returning to his body. But what about Spike? What would he think of him? Would he still want him? He wanted to go to Spike now. He needed to talk to him. To explain what happened. Xander had wanted to go to him before but Buffy didn't trust him to be with Spike while he was in her body. So he went with her to see Giles instead. The entire walk to the house had been made in deadly silence, both lost in their own thoughts.   
  
Xander had made up his mind that no matter what Buffy thought, he had to make things right with Spike. Even if he had to sneak out of the house while everyone was asleep to do it. He had to see Spike and explain his side of the story.   
  
Now the others were saying that Giles had the solution to their problems. Well, one of them at least. Their ever-dependable Giles would return them to their respectable bodies. That didn't deter Xander's plan. In fact, it meant that he could see Spike even sooner since no one would be able to stop him in his own body. He did feel a little -a lot- on edge about the prospect of seeing Spike, in his body or Buffy's - more in his- but that wouldn't stop him. When he was returned to his real self, as Dawn put it, he would go see Spike and then he would make things right with him no matter what the outcome was. Xander hoped that by then he would know what he wanted to happen. However, all he could do now was wait. Which seemed to be a bit of a wait since Giles was now explaining the spell.  
  
 _Bore fest anyone?_    
  
Giles had escorted them all from where they had been gathered by foyer to the living room where Tara and Dawn were. He stood in the middle while Willow, Tara and Dawn sat on the couch. Buffy chose to stand next to Giles. While Xander only inched from his stand by the door so he could be excluded from the group yet still be in the living room.  
  
Giles coughed to bring their attention from looking, albeit each with different expressions, at Xander who began to shuffle on his feet. Giles nodded when he had captured their attention and started, "As you all know Dawn called me to inform me about your predicament since you all thought it was wise to keep me in the dark."  
  
Xander blinked. He didn't know that but that didn't mean he was surprised or not pleased. Buffy, in contrast, looked somber and somewhat ashamed but turned the tables to glare at Dawn who only looked bored.   
  
Dawn was ignoring her sister at the same time as she was trying to ignore Xander when all she wanted was to gawk at him. She was still a little bit shocked at the revelation. When Willow met Giles at the door in her attempt to catch up to Buffy, she took Giles to the kitchen and filled him in about everything that had happened after he left Sunnydale. The two had left Dawn and Tara to gape at the screen where Buffy made her entrance. Buffy had reminded Spike of  _their_  time together, which shocked Dawn beyond belief. Buffy and Spike? Dawn had never thought that Buffy would be with Spike. She recalled all the ‘he’s just a disgusting thing’ and ‘he can’t be trusted’ speeches that Buffy loved spouting.  
  
Buffy might have had an affair with Spike but the real shocker was Xander. She knew it wasn't the gay thing because she thought that was all way cool. Other than the fact that her two old crushes had sex together, which wigged her out and excited her at the same time, was that Xander was with Spike in her sister's body.   
  
Dawn was sure with no doubt in her mind that Spike had no idea that it had been Xander, not after Buffy screamed at him about him not being able to tell the difference between her and Xander. Spike, all that time, had been under the impression that he was with Buffy. Dawn was also confident that Xander knew that fact as well. But what shocked her was that she had not expected Xander of all people to do that. Not only had he hurt Buffy but also he had really cared enough to have sex with Spike, or more precisely make love because what she saw sure translated as such, not that she claimed experience or anything. Still, he shouldn't have hid the truth from Spike. Tara might have tried to block her view from the computer screen but after a while she couldn't help but watch as well.   
  
After Spike left, Tara must have come to her senses because she told Dawn to close the computer and not listen into Buffy and Xander’s private conversation. Dawn had been wondering when Tara was going to mention that. But Dawn shook her head. She wanted to know what the heck was going on. Tara must have wanted that too because she didn’t push and the two had continued to silently observe the events unfold.  
  
Dawn saw what Buffy had done. How she had treated Xander, something that Dawn could not fault her for. But what Buffy had done to Spike was awfully mean! Spike had nothing to do with it. He was in the dark and completely blinded by love. And Dawn thought that it was partially Buffy's fault for locking Spike out of their group, after all he had done, not informing him of their exchange of bodies. Dawn knew for a fact that Spike truly loved Buffy. He had taken care of her after her sister's death and during that time, Dawn had watched Spike while he mourned the passing of the woman he loved.   
  
Buffy obviously knew that, too. Knew that Spike loved her and she must have used that if what she heard Xander say on the monitor was true. Buffy had been having sex with Spike, using him, which was so damn mean, if anyone asked Dawn's opinion, which she was sure to give Buffy when her sister yelled at her for going against her and calling Giles. Dawn knew then that her decision to call Giles was right.   
  
"Which I must say was something very wise of her to do," Giles had continued.   
  
Dawn beamed.   
  
"Dawn had informed me earlier, so I've known of the situation for sometime now but the spell required some time for the coven to prepare."  
  
"Wait," Willow interrupted. "You're gonna use a spell? Just a spell? 'Cause Warren used some form of technology," she said with a frown.  
  
Giles sighed, shaking his head. He missed the old Willow who thankfully was slowly returning. He missed how she balanced between technology and magic thinking about her actions before attempting them. That was one of the reasons he had left. He couldn't see her lose her path. It pained him too much. He knew Tara had left for the same reason but he was glad that Tara showed far more wisdom than he did. She stood by Willow's side even when they had parted. With a small smile, Giles guessed they were back together if the closeness they showed meant anything.   
  
"Technology and Magic can go hand in hand. It all comes down to one thing, energy," he explained, "It is only a matter of where and how one gets it and the amount of it that determines its use. But in the end, the result would mostly be the same. I trust the coven. They are a powerful and wise faction."  
  
Tara and Willow nodded, fascinated. They knew there was more to learn about magic and its origin. They were a far cry from experienced witches.   
  
Giles smiled warmly noticing that the two understood. "It, the spell, is similar to the one Willow and Tara used to return Buffy to her body after Faith took it over."  
  
Buffy winced at the painful reminder of the rogue slayer that only led to her thinking of the present. Xander shrunk back as he observed Buffy's facial features, knowing where her thoughts had taken her.   
  
Willow's indignant cry brought them out of their dark thoughts. "But Giles, I've looked over that spell, I know it wouldn't have worked!" She pouted and crossed her arms huffily causing Dawn to stifle a giggle and Giles to hold a snort in at the sight of the sulking boy.  
  
Giles composed himself and replied, "Buffy and Faith's incident was a simple body swap. That was why that particular 'volume' of spell wouldn't have worked, but only serve to make things worse. Dawn told me that you have experienced more of each other, specifically, your dreams. If we don't switch you back, your bodies will integrate themselves with your essence. This is a particular dominating spell to return each essence to its respective host without residual affects."  
  
He picked up his briefcase from its perch on the coffee table. He opened it and revealed a large glowing orb with rainbows swirling inside it. They all inched closer to gaze with intense fascination at it.  
  
"That is way cool!" Dawn squealed.   
  
"I can feel the energy," Tara whispered, enchanted. She looked up, meeting Giles' eyes. "This must've taken a long time and a lot of e-energy to make."   
  
Giles nodded. "Yes, the coven was kind enough to cover all aspects of the spell. All I need is to say the releasing utterance while you three touch it and all will be returned to normal."  
  
Willow jumped up and stood by Giles all too eager to return to her body. They all looked at Xander who hadn't spoken but slowly walked with his head down towards the three in the middle of the room. A split second before he raised his hand and placed it on the orb, he was cut short.   
  
"Wait a minute," Buffy interrupted looking at Xander who stiffened. "Lose the shirt. I don't want to be holding that when I return to my body," she ordered firmly.  
  
Xander nodded quietly, still not looking up but was startled to sense Tara standing up and saw her offered hand in his lowered eyes' view. He looked up at Tara with a lost look. She smiled knowingly and indicated to the shirt with her eyes. He felt a small smile find itself a home on his lips, at least for a while, and gave her the black shirt. The one he still didn't know why he was holding on to but he gave it to Tara because she was the only person he could trust to keep the shirt safe.  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes but remained quiet. Tara returned to her seat by Dawn who grinned at her. Buffy, Willow and Xander slowly raised a hand each and with wariness that came from living on the Hellmouth they placed them on the orb. During this, Xander and Buffy didn't look at each other while Willow looked at each of them, worry on her soon-not-to-be-boyish face. Giles, who was holding up the case that held the orb, sighed as he noticed the tension. He resigned himself to having a long talk, especially with Xander. But for the time being, he had to give them back their bodies because Giles didn't know how long he could take seeing them like this. Even after his long, unusual life, this was very disconcerting. Therefore, he proceeded with the spell.   
  
"Tabadul," he uttered and a soft light shimmered around the three hands before the orb dimmed.   
  
"That's it?" Dawn sounded disappointed. She expected some kind of sparkly show where she would see the bodies literally switch or something, not some lame shimmer.  
  
Buffy blinked. She didn't feel all that different. She grimaced and twitched uncomfortably. The blouse under the sweater was annoying her. In addition, she felt a little sticky…  _SO not going there. A long shower is where I need to go,_  she thought frantically. She raised her eyes and Willow caught her attention, jumping again. But she was  _Willow_. Redheaded, green eyed, tiny and female bodied Willow. Buffy's grin couldn't get any bigger.  _We are us again!_    
  
Willow was jumping up and down, happiness clear in her actions. She felt so light she thought she could fly. So apparently, she was giving it a try. Her red hair was flapping with every jump. Her breasts were moving with her.  _Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! I have boobs again!_  She was giggling and her voice sounded too girly but she loved it.  _And long hair!_  She couldn't help but shake her head roughly so her hair would fly everywhere.   
  
When she suddenly stopped jumping at a loss for air, she felt very dizzy. She fell back onto a comfy cushion. Her pillow had two arms that wrapped confidently around her and pulled Willow's thin body into a warm pillow-hug.  _My pillow is very friendly._  She dug her head deeper into it and sighed happily. After the wooziness left, Willow opened her eyes and faced the reality of 'the pillow', Tara's breasts.   
  
 _Hmmm…_  She looked up and her girlfriend had tears in her eyes. Willow felt her eyes tear up as well. Willow raised her head from its comfortable rest and proudly kissed Tara with vigor.  
  
Xander felt uneasy on his feet. He couldn't stand straight. Heavy… too heavy. He thought he was about to fall. He grabbed a chair and sat down, slowly, trying to arrange himself. He rested his too shorthaired head on his large hand. Sighing, he felt the dizziness he had felt when he was standing his feet - caused by the sudden change of what he guessed was altitude - subside.   
  
Xander raised his head and noticed how the others were distracted with other things and no one was looking at him. Slowly but surely, his other hand slipped discreetly between his thighs.  _YES! There be penis!_  His long lost beloved penis. A small smile actually found its way to his lips.   
  
He stood again slowly feeling slightly too tall. He looked down. There was remoteness between his eyes and the floor. Which wasn't a bad thing but it served an adjustment after his time in a petite body. Speaking of body, he started stretching his limbs feeling his muscles move. He sighed with relief.  _My manly muscles are still intact… thanks God for construction._    
  
He glanced at Spike's shirt on the arm of the couch where Tara had placed it, and his happy feelings withdrew. It reminded him that he had to talk to Spike. He searched his friends with his eyes. Tara and Willow were still kissing madly. His eyes lingered a while and he was relieved to notice that that sight still affected him in a good way.   
  
His eyes drifted to the other group. Giles had Buffy and Dawn in a tight hug. There was a pang in his chest at that sight. He wanted someone to hug, too. However, a vampire out there needed an explanation. It wasn't a pleasant job but someone had to do it. Hopefully, good things would come out of it.  
  
Xander cleared his throat looking down. The cheery sounds stopped and he knew everyone, except maybe Buffy, was looking at him. "I… I gotta go now. Giles, thanks." He didn't know what to say and just said the words that just popped into his head. Better make sure that wouldn't happen around Spike.  
  
Willow frowned. "Where are you going?" She thought a celebration was do.   
  
"He's going to see Spike," Buffy answered with distaste and Willow noticed how she was coldly not looking at Xander.  
  
Willow turned towards Xander, her eyes reflected her uneasy thoughts. She didn't understand why Xander slept with Spike. She wanted to understand. She truly did. She also wanted not to be angry with him for using Buffy's body in that way. But she couldn't. How could she? She didn't blame Buffy for being upset; anyone in her place would act the same, or even worse given the person. And yet it troubled her a lot because Xander was her best friend. She didn't want to be mad at him. But she didn't know what to do. Would standing back and letting Xander go to Spike- given that he was in his own body and they couldn't stop him – be the right thing to do? She didn't know the answer.   
  
"You can go, Xander." Willow turned her wide eyes towards Tara, who squeezed her hand and gave Xander her blessing to go. Tara seemed so accepting and understanding. Willow slumped on the couch. Why couldn't she be like that? Xander was _her_  best friend.  
  
Xander nodded. He spared a glance at the black shirt resting innocently on the arm of couch. "Tara…"  
  
"Don't worry. It's safe with me," Tara said with a kind smile laying a hand over the shirt.   
  
Xander smiled back. Tara was the only one he trusted at this moment like before. She had been the only one who knew about his 'relationship' with Spike and stood by him with a kind word and understanding advice. He knew whatever the outcome she would be there as well. He hoped he hadn't disappointed her too much with the recent events.  
  
Xander sighed bracingly nodded to everyone in the room, and without further comment, exited the house in quick paces. He had this strange feeling that he shouldn't be late.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 

 

Xander parked his car near the cemetery where Spike's crypt was. The place was quiet and spooky. It reminded him of those scary movies when someone would walk alone to get jumped at an unsuspecting moment. Sighing, he opened the car door and was about to take out the keys to lock the car, but then didn't. His eyes, with hesitation, turned towards the dreary path that led towards Spike's crypt, and were locked there.   
  
A voice inside him said that he shouldn't go in there and should run as fast as his newly reacquired manly feet could take him. That voice took him back to his experience with Cordelia. It reminded him of his visit to her in the hospital after she caught him kissing Willow in the factory and got hurt in the process. She had ordered him to leave and hadn't forgiven him completely, as far as he knew, till this day. It pained him that she would never trust him fully ever again.  
  
There was another voice, though. That one kept reminding him of his not-so-wedding-day. The way it hurt him when he ran out on Anya, the way that hurt her so much that she left everything she knew behind her in order to put distance between herself and anything that reminded her of her ex-fiancé.  
  
The first voice snapped at the second. It claimed that Xander had come back wanting to make things right with Anya but she hadn't given him a chance, leaving before he did. The second voice retorted that if Xander hadn't run and left Anya in the first place and explained his fears to her, she might have understood and postponed the wedding until Xander was ready.  
  
Xander's lips thinned, troubled. Both voices were right and persuasive, but the second one had the upper hand. Xander had to stop running away. He had to face his fears and problems or they would always come back to haunt him. He had to fix his own mess, make everything better. He had to believe that sometimes things worked out. That not every time he messed up he would not be forgiven. Just like what happened when he ruined things with Cordelia and Anya.  
  
There might be a chance for him and Spike, he hoped  
  
Xander sighed again and grabbed his keys. He locked the car then walked toward the crypt. He felt almost the same as when he walked to Cordelia's hospital room except this time he wasn't carrying any roses.  _Don't think Spike would appreciate it much,_  he thought with humor.  _Oh nice, Harris, you still have your funny bone. This is so messed up._  
  
He paused a little at the door then, after a deep breath he knocked. There was no response from the other end. Xander pulled back, looked at the iron door, and considered leaving.  _No!_  he thought angrily.  _No running away again… Remember?_    
  
He pulled his shoulders back, pushed the door open and let himself in. He let his eyes adjust to the candle lit room for a moment. Said room was chaotic. Shattered glass was everywhere, the few chairs that were there weren't in place as if someone had been throwing them around.   
  
"Hey there, so… who's gracing me with their presence? Red? Your turn this time? Got your freebee card on ya then?"  
  
Xander's ears listened to the resentful sardonic voice and followed it. His now adjusted eyes saw Spike sitting in a rumpled couch with a beer held loosely in his hand. Xander assumed it was Spike's second or third bottle, judging from the single empty one next to him, the broken shards of glass and the fact that Spike didn't look or sound that drunk. Xander was glad for that fact. He wanted to have a grown up conversation and it wouldn't be right with a drunken Spike there.  
  
Xander swallowed a lump. "It's not Willow. It's Xander. I came here to talk," he answered Spike's previous questions. He hoped that he did that in the right order.   
  
"Oooh, is that it then?" Spike spoke in fake understanding. He placed his bottle on the coffee table where the damaged table wobbled for a second before the whole thing fell apart. Spike stood up gracefully facing one nervous Xander and looked him up and down with emotionless blue eyes. "So, we're playing it that way. Kinky bitch you are. I'm supposed to play that you're Xander and then we'll be a sweaty, naked shagging before you get bored and leave?" He cranked his neck and looked him straight in the face. Xander was too shocked to form words.   
  
Spike had a disgusted look on his face. "Not bloody likely!" he snapped at who he thought was Willow. "No more," he said. "No more soddin'-use-Spike-games 'cause I had enough. A hundred years worth. So sod off and leave me the bloody 'ell alone!" He grabbed the empty bottle that amazingly survived the table crash and threw it at the wall with aggravation.  
  
Xander winced at the sound of shattered glass, but moved forward towards the angry vampire. "No, Spike, I'm really…" he stopped talking when he noticed a packed duffle bag on the same table that had the bottle. It must have been the reason it broke. He could see where some clothes were sticking out of it. Heart throbbing, he looked at Spike and pointed at the bag. "What's that?"  
  
Spike looked at where he pointed and smiled bitterly. "This? Me stuff in a bag.” he said a matter of fact giving a nonchalant shrug.  
  
Xander didn’t feel like rolling his eyes so he asked instead, “Why is your stuff there?”  
  
Spike raised an eyebrow. “Well, why do you think people put their stuff in a bag, Red? I thought you’re the smart one of your lot. People put their stuff in a bag 'cause it’s easier than carrying them in yer arms. It's a handy little invention.”   
  
Spike knew what he was doing. He was being particularly sarcastic. And when Spike got cynical it usually meant that he was very angry. He hoped the little witch dressed in boy's clothing got that fact, maybe then she would leave him alone.   
  
“You’re leaving?” she whispered the question haltingly.   
  
Spike was confused. Was she really that dumb? What was more puzzling, Willow seemed to be upset at that little bit of news. Or was she saddened at the loss of opportunity. He didn’t really think that the witch would use him like her friends did. He had sure considered it after the recent events but didn't really think she would. Of them all, she was the most decent one with him.   
  
Nevertheless, he didn't know for sure.  _Just being dead and soulless seemed to make it right to use someone that way,_  he thought bitterly.  
  
Spike shook his head angrily. He would not lose what little dignity he had left in front of this little girl. He brought his sarcastic tone back. “Why Red, you're looking awfully glum. Why the bloody hell is that?” he asked the brunet who was not meeting his eyes with a click of his tongue.   
  
Xander wasn’t feeling good. He should have known that this would happen. Just like Cordelia and Anya, Spike was leaving, leaving Sunnydale, leaving him. He took a deep breath as he could feel a knife cutting slowly into his heart. He took a moment to reflect how it hurt worse than the other knives in his heart. He wondered if it was because of what he had done, if he deserved this. He knew he had hurt Spike badly, but it didn’t have to end this way.   
  
Buffy had sent Angel to hell and he still wanted her after he came back. Willow cheated on Oz and then he forgave her and still wanted her. Why couldn’t anyone forgive him? He knew he was being self-centered and unreasonable but it really bugged him that no one had given him a second chance.   
  
Xander could make it better, he knew it. If they had just given him a chance, he could have worked it out.  
  
Suddenly, something slammed into Xander’s mind. He frowned and repeated Spike’s words in his head. Spike was calling him Red. He still thought Xander was Willow.  
  
Annoyed, Xander looked up at Spike. “I am not Willow. Giles came back with a spell and switched us back," he explained briefly since for the life of him he didn't know what Giles had done. He blamed that on the fact that he was distracted by feeling crappy. "I’m Xander, really.”   
  
Spike chuckled humorlessly. “Right. And I’m supposed to fall for that.” Who did she think he was? Xander was inside the slayer’s body. That fact he would never forget. Her chum had lied to Spike and made him think he was Buffy to get Spike to sleep with him. No, this vampire was not going to be the witch's boy-toy the same night he was to Bloody Harris. Not this night or any nights that follow. Not to her or anyone else. He was done letting everyone use him for sex or anything else for that matter.   
  
Xander was about to explode from the frustration. He was finally in his body and he was denied that simple fact. Also, he didn't want to waste the time he had on explaining who he was, he was afraid he would forget his fancy apology/explanation and maybe love declaration. He was not in the mood for 'guess who is in the boy.'   
  
“It’s the truth!" he exclaimed. "If you don’t believe me, then let’s go to Buffy’s and you’ll see Giles sitting on the couch probably sipping British tea he smuggled in.” Xander couldn’t help but throw a lame joke. He was too edgy to choose the best words. And he knew if there was anything he was best at, it was lame jokes.   
  
Spike eyed him suspiciously. The look in the boy's eyes fell to desperate, as if he were impatient for Spike to believe him. Maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe she was really Xander.   
  
“You’re not Willow?” he asked warily.   
  
“Yes, for the millionth time, I’m Xander Harris, flesh, blood and essence all in one,” Xander said tiredly. He wanted to have the real conversation. The reason he wasn't bolting out. They were just wasting their time with this. “I’m not lying to you, Spike. Believe me.”   
  
Spike stared at him blankly and then suddenly a hysterical laugh escaped his lips. He rested his hands on his legs as he laughed hard. The vampire watched with bleary eyes as Xander blinked confusedly at him.  
  
"Why are you laughing? It's the truth!"   
  
Spike stopped laughing at Xander's cry out. Fury ripped through him and he straightened with a jerk.   
  
“Yeah, 'cause you were such an 'honest' man before,” Spike's voice sounded, harsh and acidic. He felt like something was simmering up inside him threatening to burst. How could Xander think that Spike would believe him easily when he had lied to him for a whole month? A month! He should have told Spike who he really was long before if he actually felt something towards him. That was if Xander ever felt something about him other than lust. Who was Spike kidding? Harris could never love him, even if he said so.  
  
Not that Spike cared or anything. But having heard words that had only come out of his mouth for over a century returned to him for the first time was something he couldn't forget easily. He just had to tell himself that it was just someone using him, something he was used to, or should be, by now. It shouldn’t change that how Xander got what he wanted was by using those words. Spike would make sure that those words didn't change anything.   
  
Xander was taken back by Spike's tone.  _Have to make things right, have to make things right,_  his mind chanted. “Spike, I know I made a mistake but…”  
  
“So," Spike interrupted, not interested in Xander's attempt to apologize. "Why did you come here? You wanna feel the real thing?” he asked in a calm somewhat ironic way.   
  
"What?" Xander blushed bright red. Spike thought he wanted to have sex with him now? Xander had just turned back to being a guy not an hour ago. He was still not sure he was ready for this part yet. He began to babble nervously, "No! Not that I don't want to. Maybe later but not now. 'Cause I’m still new to the whole guy/guy thing, you know, 'cause I used to be in a girl’s body and it was all confusing…”  
  
“Oooh," Spike interrupted again, sounding even angrier now. "So this is it. I have to wait until you get used to sleeping with blokes and then I'm allowed to leave? Do you think I was turned for your bloody entertainment?!"  
  
Xander shook his head. "No, and another 'no' too. You can't leave, Spike." His heart was pounding fast.   
  
Annoyance was roaring up inside of Spike boiling his veins. "So now you're in charge of my goings and comings?!"   
  
Xander cursed himself. Things were getting out of hands. His mind flashed back to the time when he went to Faith's apartment where she misunderstood his attempt to help for desire for sex. Why was he so bad at this? He must be saying something to make them think that. He was blowing things instead of fixing them.   
  
“Spike, no, it's not like that,” he said, his eyes pleading for Spike to understand. "I really do like you. It's just…"  
  
Spike snapped at him, "Don’t give me this shit about you liking me 'cause let’s face it, Harris. Of all of your little Scooby pals you were the one who always had it in for me.”  
  
“Well, what did you expected of me, Spike?!" Xander couldn't help but snap back. He was tired of Spike interrupting him and not listening to him trying to clear things up. Now Spike was throwing his old self at him. The Xander who only saw things in black and white. But Xander was not going to shut up. He was going to defend himself, even his old self. Something in him compelled him to not let it go.   
  
"You’re a vampire!" Xander yelled. "I’m a human. Vampires  _kill_  humans! Besides you don’t have a soul. How did you expect me to believe that a soulless creature could love? That was ridiculous!”  
  
Spike blinked. “Wow, you really are Xander.”  
  
“…But now I know it’s not," Xander went on, ignoring Spike's statement. "Since I’ve been in Buffy’s body, I noticed how you’re different from other vampires. I don’t know why or how but it doesn’t matter, you are." He smiled affectionately. "You’re capable of love, Spike. Your love for soap operas, poetry, hot cocoa,  _me_. That wouldn't have come out of you if you were just a monster, which you're not, and I learned that the hard way." Xander moved closer toward Spike. "You are a person, Spike. Never a thing," he whispered gently. He was feeling guilty to not have admitted it all before, but it was true.   
  
Spike was staring at Xander, stunned. His eyes open wide. Xander Harris was gushing about love to  _him_? The slayer's pet was talking sensitively and smiling warmly at  _him_? Harris?! The world was soon to end, that was for sure.  
  
Xander approached Spike, taking advantage of his shock by taking hold of his hand, not noticing how Spike's eyes widened even more. Xander squeezed the smaller hand. “C’mon Spike, give us a chance. Let's see what happens.” He smiled. Things were going well.  
  
Spike blinked before barking out a laugh. He wrenched his hand from Xander's and backed away. “That's dim! Us? You and I are not an ‘us’! You're talking madness, boy!" Spike was applauding himself for being so strong. He had to hand it to the git. He had wits. But Spike was on to his tricks now.  
  
Xander was offended, but knew that if someone had told him a month before that he would fall in love with Spike, he would have died from laughter, before he made them join him for even thinking such a thing. "I know it sounds stupid but it was 'us', Spike. For a whole month. Remember?"  
  
Rage etched into every line of Spike's face. That reminder wasn't a wise thing. "Well, it wouldn't have been that if I knew who I was with," he said with spite.  
  
Hurt slammed into Xander's chest. With a lot of effort, he tried to not let it show on his face. "I know I'm not your first choice. Possibly never. But c'mon Spike, I know you have feelings for me like I have for you."   
  
He had to. Xander knew that Spike's feelings had changed towards the petite blonde body he wore for the last several weeks. That they had become more profound and that didn't come because of the looks. The looks were always there. The essence was pure Xander. He had to get Spike to realize that and get him to forgive him for being selfish. Get him to understand that he, Xander, really did care.   
  
"Sure of yourself, aren't you?" Spike spoke grimly, not knowing what kind of thoughts were on Xander's mind. He moved toward Xander slowly until they stood nose to nose. "The only thing I feel about you when I see you is hatred and disgust, don't fool yourself, you're nothing," he said between grinding teeth, knowing that if he had a mirror and a reflection he would be saying those words to himself as well.   
  
A lump rose in Xander's throat. The words didn't hurt as much as the look in Spike's unusually cold eyes. Hatred and loathing were shining unmistakably in those blue eyes and it hurt like hell.   
  
But Xander knew it wasn't the way Spike felt. Spike had to be really infuriated about what happened to think right. Xander knew Spike didn't hate him. He had to hold on to that or he would breakdown and that wouldn't be very seemly now that he was altogether again.   
  
"It's not that and you know it," Xander said strongly.   
  
"Know what?" Spike questioned impassively, face too close to Xander.   
  
"You said that you love the new Buffy more than the old one," Xander stated powerfully, clutching on to those words like a lifeline. "Well, guess what?" He opened up his arms. "I'm the new Buffy. You love  _me_."  
  
At that moment, Spike didn't know how to act… what to feel. What did the boy want? Spike was in love with  _Buffy_. He spent time with that blonde girl because he thought she was Buffy, the woman he loved. Not Harris! "What do you want then?" he spoke his thoughts out loud. "Want me to be all happy and fuzzy feelings for you?"   
  
"Spike…" Xander tried to explain.  
  
"No, really, you think it's easy for me to love someone then suddenly discover that someone else was wearing their skin all that time? You think that once I knew it was you that I'm suppose' to just fall in your arms and live the fairy dream?" Spike cocked his head in a way Xander had started to think of as endearing but at that moment he wished it wasn't directed at him. "Maybe it was fast and easy to switch bodies but feelings are not."  
  
Spike felt exasperated. He recalled how he had acted and moaned that past month with shame. The soft kisses, the poetry reading, the Passions watching/snuggling and the best sex, love making, he had ever had. The best moments in both his life and unlife that he thought he had with Buffy were short lived since it turned out that they were with someone else. With one Xander Harris.  
  
Humiliation rose, threatening to overflow him as the idea of Harris laughing at him the second he was behind closed doors began taking over his thoughts. 'Poor Spikey, he thinks I  _love_  him. Chip must've really fried his brain.' He could hear the sound of Buffy's voice in his head. Her mocking laughter echoed insensitively in his brain. The laughter might have sounded like Buffy's but it was Xander behind the wheel. That bloody wanker. He dared he make fun of the Big Bad.  
  
 _Big Bad my arse,_  a voice in his head scoffed.  _That title was lost to you the second that damn chip was shoved up your head. You're no longer big or bad since you stooped down to let dim-witted human children use you like that._    
  
 _Shut your fuckin' trap!_  Spike couldn't take it, anymore. He turned away wanting to stay as far as possible away from Xander, guessing that by being near Harris that the voices were invoked. He didn't need reminding of his dreary past the present had enough anguish as it stood. He wanted to stay alone. He wanted Xander out and away from him… NOW.   
  
Xander felt the overwhelming need to hold Spike when he saw the lost look in his eyes, but knew it would, his luck being as it was, complicate the condition badly. He looked guiltily at the retreating vampire. "Spike, listen I'm sorry. I…"  
  
Spike raised up a hand, stopping him from talking. The way Buffy had earlier this night. He had hurt them both.   
  
"Forget it," Spike spoke softly. "Just go, it's not worth it." His voice seemed tired.   
  
Xander gazed at him appalled, barely able to form words. His face deathly pale and his eyes showed agony that he couldn't express. He nodded brokenly and turned around to leave.   
  
Except out of the blue, the second voice from earlier yelled angrily.  _You can't leave the situation like this. Explain yourself like you planned to. Never repeat the wedding fiasco again._  Xander stopped walking. Right. Spike still didn't hear him out. He had to explain himself to him. He had to make things right.  
  
He turned around facing Spike's back, a determinant gleam in his eyes. "No, I'm not going. I can't go before…"  
  
"Before what?!" Spike screamed turning around to face the stubborn boy. What did he have to do to get the wanker to leave him alone? What in hell did Harris want? Why was he sticking around not giving him a moment peace, interrupting his pity drinking time? It was obvious Xander wanted something from him. He seemed as adamant as the Slayer was when she needed her fix. Spike found himself reverting unconsciously to how he used to be during those times, just wanting to find familiar grounds.  
  
"You want another taste of Spike? Is that why you came, Harris?" Spike snarled madly. "A nice snog… see how the night goes?"   
  
Xander's eyes widened as he shook his head furiously. "No!" he yelled denying. Not that the proposition wasn't appealing but that was supposed to come after.   
  
"Oh, you liked it, didn't you?" Spike asked as he dangerously was drawing near to Xander, his eyes gleaming with anger. His hand slinked down over his chest to his belt buckle with Xander's eyes glued to it following its slow descent. "The way you moaned, I could tell you loved it. You're just begging for another round, aren't you?" He smirked and his tongue pushed up against his teeth.   
  
"No." Xander shook his head again inching back until his side was brushing against the tomb. Why did everyone ended up misunderstanding him? Was he not the convincing type? Couldn't he show his point clearly to the others without them jumping to conclusions? Not far from the truth, true, but still there was the jumping over the main idea. He was here to make things right, nothing less. Bonus came after. He had been down this path before and it didn't end pretty.  
  
 _At least Spike can't strangle me._  
  
"I'm here to fix things…" he trailed off when felt his back hit the wall. He had kept meeting Spike's approach with backward steps and now he was cornered and Spike wasn't listening to him. He kept stalking over to Xander until he was face to face with him again. Spike placed his hands on the wall on either side Xander's head and looked at Xander in a way Xander could only describe as dangerous. Xander gulped when the only thing that kept their faces from touching was air that seemed to be disappearing if his quick breaths had something to say about it.   
  
"You want the real thing?" Spike asked out of the blue his cold breath whispering over Xander’s over heated face. Xander couldn't help but stare frightfully at Spike's blue-bloodshot-gold-flickering eyes. Xander a note to find out how those three colors were possible, if he survived this encounter that is.  
  
Spike's hands lowered from the wall to Xander's shoulders griping them loosely. "I'll bloody well give you the real thing!" he snarled making Xander gulp, closing his eyes and questioning the whole chip thing.   
  
Spike grabbed the lapels of Xander's jacket and pulled him down for a rough meeting of lips. Xander's eyes flew open. One thought in his head, there was a male vampire attached to his manly lips. He had never experienced kissing a guy as a guy. It was a bit strange. He was slightly taller and bigger than Spike. When he was kissing Spike as Buffy, he was smaller and Spike would wrap his strong-arms all around him as he kissing him. He always had to raise his head so they would be able kiss. However, now their lips were on the same height and met easily.  
  
Spike’s arms were locked around Xander's neck, wrists crossed, securing him in the kiss, reminding Xander of Anya. But Spike's arms were nothing like Anya's. They were strong and muscular but no less comfortable, even more so. The chest that melted into his was flat and brawny and he could rest against it forever. The kiss was nothing like his kisses with either Cordelia or Anya; not even his kisses with Spike when he was in Buffy’s body came near this and he thought they were the best. This was new. This was real. This was right. Xander couldn't help but open his mouth with a content sigh allowing Spike's pink probing tongue entry.  
  
The forceful peck soon turned passionate as Xander all too willingly opened his mouth welcoming the intrusion. Instinctively the cold tongue snaked into the warm cavern tracing over teeth and flicking at the roof for a taste before dueling with the warm tongue. Lips moved in unison as warm arms slipped around a slender waist feeling quite at home.   
  
 _Maybe things are turning up..._  Xander thought, tracing his hand over Spike’s back memorizing the feel of the rippling muscles against his larger hands.  
  
That extra feeling was what brought Spike out of his lust induced trance. He angrily released the lips, untangled himself from the warm embrace and pulled several steps away.   
  
The two men simultaneously raised their hands to thoroughly kissed lips. Xander's eyes were glazed over as he softly traced his still throbbing lips, his other hand shaking as it supported him against the wall.   
  
Spike, on the other hand, was roughly wiping at his mouth desperately wanting to erase the taste. His mind spun as he deflected his emotions.   
  
Wrong.  
  
Xander was too tall for one thing, reminded him too much of his ponce of a sire and that was never a good thing. Spike wanted his partners shorter so he could be the one in charge... not that that had ever worked. He wanted them to have tiny and slender bodies like Buffy. This one was not. It was nothing like Buffy's. It was big and large. Eyes were not a set of green emeralds but hazel orbs that burned with sodding passion. Shit.   
  
The hair was too wrong. It should have been golden locks that sparkled in the sun, not that he ever saw that. He wanted the petite form that he could wrap himself around, not that large bulky body. It was too warm. Too warm.  
  
Where were those thin arms with small powerful hands that could - did repeatedly - beat him into a bloody pulp? Not those strapping arms with hands that held him strong when a wall was falling on him, which happened a fucking long time ago, so It was irrelevant.  
  
Or was it?  
  
Spike's body vibrated from suppressed rage. This wasn't going on like he planned. His hands balled up into tight fists while his eyes threw daggers at a silent observing Xander. His blue eyes narrowed wrathfully, looking the git up and down with repugnance.  _That_  would never be what he wanted. The body was too big for his taste. The hair was too short. Hazel eyes were never his thing, none of it appealed to him. The ponce had to leave. Now.   
  
"Sod off. If I didn't have this bleedin' chip in my head I would have thrown you out by now."   
  
Xander was taken back by the disgusted look on Spike's face. He felt his heart twist when Spike was wiping his mouth, obviously sickened by the taste of Xander's mouth. Xander's throat tightened. Spike looked at him from head to toe. The sick look on his face made it clear that Spike didn't like what he saw.   
  
How could Xander ever think that he could match up to someone like Buffy?  
  
At Spike's yell, Xander knew Spike didn't want him. That he didn't like the kiss. Didn't like how Xander looked. Why the hell did Xander think that Spike would want him when he got his clumsy body back? It was the way Xander used to look that attracted Spike.   
  
He liked how Buffy looked.  
  
Realization hit Xander so strong that the wall he was supported by could barely keep him standing as he felt his knees weaken for another reason.   
  
Spike did not love him. It was Buffy all along. Spike clearly liked the way  _Buffy's_ attitude started to change towards him. That was why he fell for  _her_  more. Because he thought it was coming from Buffy. It didn't matter if it was Xander or not. Spike still loved Buffy and wanted her. Not Xander.   
  
Xander felt his heart drop. Why wouldn't Spike want Buffy? Why love Xander when someone as beautiful as Buffy was around? Hell, Xander still remembered his own sad feelings for Buffy, the ones that hadn’t been returned for obvious reasons.   
  
Buffy was a girl. She was soft, petite, and beautiful and had the shiniest, softest golden locks, not to mention the alluring fact of being the slayer. Xander was burly, hairy and his eyes were beady, as Anya used to put it, and clumsy to boot.  
  
Spike did not love him. How could he? The truth was so clear and… God, too painful. Xander did not actually have a relationship with Spike because the object of his affection thought he was someone else. Of course, if he had told Spike who he really was, Spike wouldn't have looked at him twice. He had to convince himself of that fact. It was the only thing he had left. Xander knew that he had nothing to prove now. He couldn't explain his actions because Spike simply wouldn't care. He had hurt him and for that reason alone Xander had no right. He couldn't force Spike to want him either. It was not right.   
  
"You're still standing there? Sod off!" Spike yelled, still heaving strong breaths, which was an odd thing given that he didn’t breathe, but he didn’t question that because down that road lay things he vigorously wanted to keep hidden.   
  
Xander's eyes locked on the dusty ground as he nodded shakily and turned on weak legs to leave. At his way out, something caught his bleary eyes in the dim flickering light. He noticed blood on a dent in the brick wall. From his experience, he knew it wasn’t more than a few hours old. There was a small pool of blood right under it where what was injured had dripped. Xander knew right away that it had been from Spike's fist, his left. He knew that because Spike was using his right hand to drink the bottle earlier and Xander knew that Spike was left handed.   
  
Xander frowned and ran his hand through his hair. He shouldn't have known that. He bit his lip bitterly. He was sure falling hard for Spike, who couldn’t even stand the sight of him.  
  
He barely stopped himself from asking Spike if his hand was okay. He didn’t think about asking how that happened, he could guess. Frustration did that for him once when Joyce had passed away. Xander didn’t want to ask because he knew he would get then the reason why and he feared the answer. He didn’t want to know he caused Spike that much pain, that he needed physical release like that. He walked out not looking back and closed the crypt door behind him.   
  
Standing outside the crypt, he noticed that it was now dawn. He had lost the time. A happy feeling tickled inside of him, because if the sun was up, Spike wouldn’t be able leave. The earlier events pricked his memory and he gave a shaky sigh as he went to his car. Like the presence of the sun would give Xander a chance to have him. The minute the sun set, Spike would leave like the rest did. Xander refused to let dreams fool him, at least while he was awake, so others could prove them wrong.  
  
Inside the crypt, Spike closed his eyes and took a very deep breath, letting the anger wash away. He refused to let himself think about how miserable Xander had just looked, so much that he reminded him of himself. He stood there for a moment; eyes still closed not thinking of anything. After a while, he sighed and turned around. His eyes caught the bag on the floor on the now useless table. He sighed again. He was not in the mood to leave at the moment. Sunnydale sure wasn’t the best place for him as every time he came here something bad happened to him. He had to leave.   
  
Maybe tomorrow...   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
Realization hit Xander as he stood in the Summers' hall when the door clicked closed behind him. He was Xander again. He should have returned to his apartment, but evidently, he was still used to coming back here. Like he used to do every night when he returned from patrol before he got a few hours of sleep so he would be awake enough to open the Magic Box. That whole encounter with Spike might be the reason of this mind slip.  
  
Xander fought the urge to break down, at least not in a place where there were witnesses, and turned around to leave. He stopped at an unsure whisper.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
He turned to see Tara standing by the entrance of the living room near the French doors with a black bundle in her hand, Spike’s shirt. His eyes remained locked on the shirt as Tara walked towards him.  
  
"Did I wake you?" he asked awkwardly, eyes not moving away from the black object as it conjured thoughts of its owner.  
  
Tara shook her head. "No, you didn't. I was actually waiting for you. Willow was waiting with me too, but she fell asleep... the excitement took a lot out of her." She thought for a minute before she asked, "D-do you want me to wake her?"   
  
"Huh?" His eyes blinked and he raised them to gaze at Tara. He tried to remember what she was talking about. "No." he shook his head. "No need to, I'm going... home, anyway."  
  
Tara nodded and handed him the shirt. He stared at her for a minute, when she smiled at him kindly he took the shirt, hoping that she didn’t notice his shaky hands. "So, you were up till this hour waiting for me to come?"  
  
Tara nodded. "Yeah, thought you'd stop by for the shirt."  
  
"What if I didn't?"  
  
She shrugged. "I left a message for you. If you went straight home you'd find it and then you'd call."  
  
"What if I didn't check my messages?" Xander grinned. He loved Tara.   
  
Tara smiled. "Is this gonna go too long? I might wanna sit."  
  
Xander chuckled softly. "Sorry," he looked at her, meaningfully. "Thanks, Tara."  
  
Tara's eyes were a picture of kind understanding and warmth. She knew he didn’t only mean for the shirt. "It's all right. You know I'm always there for you."  
  
Xander nodded and then his eyes were slipping to the ground. He distantly thought about how it didn’t have dust on it like Spike's home did. He gulped down the sour feeling. "Did you tell them?" he asked in a low voice but he knew Tara heard him.  
  
Tara understood what he meant and shook her head. "Willow suspected that I knew something about it, but I told her that it was your story to tell and that you might want to tell it to her yourself."   
  
Xander had a small smile on his face that didn’t last. He couldn't bring his eyes to look up at her as he asked, "What about the others?"  
  
"Well, Dawn was ordered by Buffy to go to her room. It didn't take her long to fall asleep. Buffy took a bath and then she and Giles had a talk. She's asleep now and Giles is asleep in the extra bed in the basement."  
  
As she explained what happened while he was away, Xander's eyes never once looked at her. He was not sure if he should but this one question was haunting him. "Are you disappointed in me?" he asked softly.   
  
Tara's eyes turned serious. "Look at me, Xander," she said forcefully showing truly how much she had changed from that shy girl they had met three years ago. Only when he looked up she continued, "I think I might understand why you… did what you did. But that doesn't mean that it was okay. You hurt both Buffy and Spike by this. It was wrong."  
  
"I know," Xander whispered, looking very guilty but not looking down this time. He had to hear this.  
  
Tara's almost hard stare melted into tenderness. She saw how his eyes were wide, expecting her to yell at him like Buffy had, and, she was sure, Spike had as well... if Xander’s choked appearance meant anything. She couldn't be hard on Xander. Not while he looked so fragile and lost. "How did things go with Spike?" she asked though she knew the answer already but she could be wrong.  
  
"Bad. Really bad." His hands had a tight grip on the shirt. The bitter feeling returned as well as that annoying bleary-ness. He felt Tara hugging him closely and he appreciated it. It didn't help a lot but it still felt good. He really needed to be hugged. To be comforted. Even though the arms he wanted around him were a little colder and more muscular, this was better than nothing. He knew he didn't deserve Tara’s kindness but to hell with it. He was going to take whatever comfort he could. He closed his eyes and hugged Tara back.   
  
After a while, Tara's grip loosened and she let him go. He thanked her softly, she did help the annoying bleary thing to go, and was about to leave when Tara touched his arm. He looked at her and was warmed by her small sad smile. "Things will work out eventually, Xander. I'm sure."  
  
Xander was sure they wouldn't but he nodded, anyway.   
  
After Xander exited, Tara turned to head to the living room to wake Willow and get her to bed but she was stunned to see Buffy standing at the stairs.  
  
"Buffy?" she gasped, startled. She wondered how long she was standing there.  
  
Buffy's eyes were gazing at the closed front door. "He's hurting, isn't he?" she whispered.  
  
"Yeah, he is," Tara answered. She wasn’t sure what Buffy was after but she seemed concerned about Xander and Tara saw that as a good thing.  
  
Buffy continued looking at the door for a second, lost in thought then without saying any more turned up and went to her room.   
  
Tara sighed unhappily. She thought she had something there. She wanted things to be right with Xander and Buffy. She wanted things to be right with Spike. Those three had a lot of issues they needed to fix.   
  
Tara didn't know when they all had lost their happiness. She wanted things to be like they used to. When Riley was still here. When Joyce was still alive. There had been a time there when they all could be in the same room without someone getting hurt. Buffy, Xander and Spike had gotten along during the whole thing with Glory; she could remember that even though she had been slightly - a lot - crazy. She hoped it didn’t take an apocalypse to make things better.   
  
Even after Buffy died, Xander and Spike had got along well. She hoped it didn’t take a death to do the trick. She shook Willow awake and helped her sleepy once-again-girlfriend up the stairs to their room.   
  
They could be all happier this time round if they made things right.   
  
She just hoped.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Xander opened apartment door and entered, eyes on the ground, lost in thought. Once he had locked the door, he turned looking around his apartment after so long of not being in it. He froze for a little while he gazed at the very clean surfaces all over the place. He realized he had never been here once since he started living inside Buffy's body. His apartment was shining and was as tidy as it could be, even more so. Willow had done an amazing job here.  
  
He sighed as he hung his jacket on the coat rack. He still couldn't lift his mood after the events of last night. Buffy hated him and his friends were upset with him. Even Tara was disappointed in him. He knew she was just too kind to say so outright.   
  
And Spike...   
  
An icy steel fist twisted at his heart at the memory of the disgusted look that Spike had shot him after that kiss. He shook his head violently. He wanted to forget. He wanted to erase that look in Spike's eyes from his mind. Hate was one thing; it could die away, Xander being the case subject. But disgust, that was a whole other matter.   
  
His eyes zoomed in at the fridge. He walked over there as if the Hounds of Hell were chasing him and the white appliance held the way of escape. That wasn't exactly far from the truth if his plans had anything to say about it. Xander didn't see why Spike could drown his sorrows while he couldn't, so now he would rectify that and perhaps then he would have an hour or two of peace without thinking about it all.   
  
He was somewhat excited about the whole prospect of drinking. It had been a long time since he had an alcoholic beverage. Buffy had never let him drink while he was in her body. Who knew that a slayer's body couldn't handle her drink? However, Xander hadn't argued with Buffy, given that he didn't want to know what their ancestors had in mind first hand as he remembered Buffy's bad beer experience three years ago. However, now that he returned to his manly beer tolerant body, no one could tell him no.   
  
He opened the fridge and his eyes racked the shelves looking for the ambrosia, nothing. He cursed when he didn't find anything that had alcohol in it; even his whisky stash, which he had for dire circumstances, was gone. All what he found in the fridge was milk, juice and some weird green fluid that he opted to throw out, not even daring to take a sniff. His cupboards were terrifyingly neat and both the before mentioned whisky and the box of Twinkies that hid it were missing. Instead, there were bags of, he shuddered, healthy snacks. Now that was what you got when you let a girl live in your apartment without supervision.   
  
He closed the fridge and his eyes caught one of the many pictures he hung on the door. A soft smile appeared on his lips. The small picture, held in place by a magnet, showed Buffy, Willow and himself smiling at the camera. He remembered when that picture had been taken. They were hanging out at Buffy's, one summer in their high school years, the easy happier years, having a barbecue, when Joyce insisted on taking a photo of the three friends to preserve the happy memory. His finger traced lightly over the smiles on their young faces. He couldn't help but wonder if they could be as close again as they had been that sunny day.   
  
With that thought, he exited the kitchen and sauntered numbly towards his bedroom. Tiredly, he started taking off his shirt when something got in the way. His left hand was busy clutching something. He raised it and noticed that he was still holding on with a death grip to Spike's shirt. He didn't recall letting go of it even on the drive over. Shaking his head at how pathetic he was, he threw the shirt on the bed.   
  
Pretending his heart didn't lurch at the action, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror. For a split second, he was expecting to be faced with Buffy's reflection and was actually somewhat surprised when it didn't stare back at him. For her illusion on the sleek mirror surface dissolved into his real manifestation. Dull round eyes replaced the beautiful green ones. Short unattractive brown locks substituted for the soft longish golden hair. Dumb looking features took the place of an angelic feminine face. It was so clear it hurt, the reason of Spike's choice.   
  
He felt his tears prick his eyes and this time he let them run down freely from the corners of eyes held firmly shut, not wanting to look at his 'repulsive' features, afraid to look downward and see what other people saw and reviled. He turned his head and didn't open his eyes until the mirror was facing his back. The first thing his eyes took in as they opened, after he wiped them, was the black material in the middle of his bed. He didn't know what made him do it but it seemed that his limbs had a mind of their own. He gently picked up the black shirt as if he was trying to make up for his earlier roughness. Bringing it closer to his face, he leaned in and his nose and breathed in. An aroma that he could only describe as Spike wafted at him.  
  
He had heard somewhere that memories could be associated with smells. He found that true as he closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar scent. He could barely distinguish the feel of strong arms holding him as he wept, hiding his face in the same black shirt so that with each gulp of air that smell filled his senses. He could feel the muscular chest he rested his head over as soothing accented words caused the before mentioned chest to rise and fall and with his sighs of contentment he would get a whiff of Spike's scent, it was always there. More happy memories mingled with others sprung into mind one after another. Yet now they hurt because he knew now he had lost it all.  
  
His body began to shake and he was stunned that he was already crying again. Couldn't he have left that annoying habit in Buffy's body? He was a man. Men didn't cry.   
  
But crying was good. It helped to ease the pain. Or so the saying went. So he went with it. To hell with manliness, Xander was already too sad, and forthrightly now gay, to give a damn. He was in love with a man, a male vampire at that, that wouldn't look at him if he was the last nutritious substance left in the universe. He had been told as much years ago and he only found the recent happenings as proof.   
  
The pain was ripping at him and he found his legs weaken. He walked the distance towards his bed stiffly; all two steps of it, his big warm bed welcomed him, so he heaved himself on it. He only bothered to kick off his shoes. He didn't want to dirty the sheets after all the effort Willow put into place. Tears continued to flow steadily down his cheeks and this time he didn’t bother drying them. He knew there would be more so why bother. He hugged the pillow close to him, winding himself around it trying not to notice how his balled fist brought the shirt round to him. He curled up into a ball on his side, burrowed his head into his pillow trying to choke the smell and cried himself to sleep.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

 

Xander jumped, waking up at the thud-thud sounds. He blinked groggily for a few seconds and wanted to go back to sleep. The problem was that he couldn't because of the stupid noise. He didn't care what it was. He just wanted it to stop. It was making his head hurt in a hangover sort of way, which angered him since he was sure he hadn't been drinking and so there was no right for him to feel that way.  
  
More thudding.  
  
Xander cursed. He covered his ears with the pillow and hoped he wouldn't hear it. He expected that the Thudding Creature would get bored with him and go cause non-alcoholic hangovers to someone else. He sighed happily when it stopped. Suddenly, the thudding was replaced by aggressive pounding and then he heard Buffy's voice calling.  
  
"Xander, are you awake?"  
  
He blinked again. The thudding was actually knocking? Strangely, he felt kind of sad as if that somehow caused the death of the Thudding Creature. He roughly shook his sleep and tired muddled head. Buffy was outside knocking his on door. He had to get up and let her in or his neighbors would have another reason to hate him. The thought of getting up made him groan. He glanced at the alarm. It was 1:30 P.M. What did Buffy want?   
  
She knocked again, if possible louder.  
  
"Okay, okay, I'm coming!" he called hoping that it would save his door from being slayed, he didn't feel up to fixing it. He was thankful it was a Saturday and that he didn't need to go to work. Xander began to stretch, letting out a loud tired groan when he felt his back crack with the strain, then got up. He grimaced looking down at himself when he noticed that he had slept in his clothes. He walked towards the door yawning and scratching his head, he didn't care much about his appearance since it was Buffy outside.  
  
Abruptly, he stopped at that thought.   
  
His eyes began widening as Xander stared fearfully at the door. It was  _Buffy_  outside his apartment. Visions from last night popped into his head causing it to spin. The humiliation and the hurt he caused her were vivid in his mind. He hadn't expected Buffy to confront him again this soon. He guessed he should at least be glad he had a few hours of sleep that morning before he faced the Slayer-y music. Biting his lip, he headed to the door with borrowed determination. Whatever Buffy had planned, he deserved it.  
  
Xander opened the door and looked down at a face he had gotten so used to seeing looking back at him in a mirror. It was strange how he felt that this face was his. That those green eyes belonged to him. That blonde hair. That soft skin. Xander would still consider himself looking down at the mirror if it wasn't for Buffy's expressionless face that didn't match his nervous one.  
  
"Hey," he greeted hesitantly.  
  
"Hey," she whispered back, looking away from his face.   
  
Xander pulled back to make enough space for her to walk in. She entered calmly and he closed the door behind her. He walked after her, rubbing his hands anxiously.  
  
Buffy walked as slowly as she could to the first chair opposite to the sofa. She could sense how tense Xander was but couldn't bring herself to care. She felt bad about that because she had come here to talk, to understand or at least try. Even though Xander hurt her so much she wanted to smack him, he was still her friend. That was why she was here. She wanted to hear what he had to say. Identify with why he did what he did and hopefully find some common ground so they could make things better.  
  
She sat on the chair, drawing her legs back so Xander could walk around to the couch. Once he was in his seat, she turned looking at him. He was looking at his hands, visibly ashamed.  
  
"So, you and Spike were seeing each other?"  
  
Xander was startled by the direct question. He had to admit that he admired Buffy's way of handling situations. She always sought straight answers. He liked forthright people; look at his record, recent crush included. Xander looked directly into her eyes. "Guess I was seeing him. But he… wasn't seeing me." His gaze dropped down. "He thought I was you."  
  
Buffy wasn't paying attention to the soft murmur. She would deal with Xander's dilemma later. Now she wanted answers to the questions that plagued her mind.   
  
"How did it start?"  
  
Xander sighed, still looking down. "A month ago. Spike thought I was you and started talking about your relationship. He got pissed 'cause I didn't remember and started ranting about how you got back wrong, his ability to hurt you and about you two having sex." He felt her tense but kept talking. "I didn't believe him at first but then he kissed me. I got scared 'cause he was forcing himself on me and I was fighting back. It frightened me that his chip didn't react."  
  
He looked up, staring at her shocked eyes. "I was also angry 'cause you didn't warn me. I felt betrayed. What could have happened if Spike wasn't  _really_  in love with you? He could have hurt me without me knowing what to expect." He looked away. "I couldn't look at you that night. I was hurt that the only thing you seemed to care about was me running into Spike, that we wouldn't find you out."  
  
"Xander," Buffy whispered, upset that she couldn't remember which night he was talking about. She remembered, however, how edgy she had gotten whenever Xander returned home from patrol. She wasn't blind. At first, she had noticed how tired and distressed he would look coming in, but she always thought it was because of a hard night patrol. But later on, Xander would return home with a smile on his face, happy and content. She also thought it was from slaying. Xander was able to use her slaying powers to defeat evil and wasn't that what all guys wanted; to have the power?   
  
Maybe she was blind after all, blinded by her naivety.  
  
All the changes that happened to Xander gradually over the month were because of one bleached vampire. She should have guessed it from the beginning. She felt bad that she had never warned Xander about Spike being able to hurt him while he was in her body. She had trusted that Spike's love for her would protect Xander from harm, but Xander said that Spike was forcing himself on him.  
  
"Did he hurt you?" she asked in all slayer protective tone.  
  
Xander stared at her confused. "You mean yesterday?"  
  
She shook her head. "No, that night you mentioned. When he force…"  
  
Xander shook his head fiercely. "No, Buffy," he cut her off. "He was just trying to prove a point. To 'remind' me of what 'we' had that 'I' gave up. He hadn't meant to hurt me."  
  
Buffy wasn't convinced. "You sure?"  
  
"Why would I be lying?"  
  
"I dunno. Right now, I don't feel like I know you." She bit her lip when a hurt look crossed his face. "I'm sorry, it's just so weird." She tried to find the right words to explain. "I mean you? Having a thing for the undead? This doesn't sound like you, Xander."  
  
"You don't think I know that?" Xander retorted angrily. "All I've been doing the last few weeks was trying to find an answer for this, but no go. I know how strange this is, believe me. All of you made it so clear that it was unusual, wrong, especially Spike last night," he whispered the last words dejectedly. Two sets of blue eyes full of detestation and disgust were still haunting Xander since he left Spike's crypt last night.   
  
Buffy tried hard to control her emotions. Xander's broken whisper when he mentioned Spike in the end called out to her heart. She knew enough of heartache to sympathize. Yet it wasn't time to comfort him. She still wanted to know more about how her body was being used for a whole month. How many times did Xander sleep with Spike?  
  
"Did something happen between you two that night?" she asked quietly.  
  
"No," Xander answered softly. "He just kissed me and left."  
  
Her hands clutched the end of her blouse tightly. Buffy was afraid to ask the next question. But she had to. "How many times have you done it with Spike?"  
  
Xander glanced at her eyes expressing deep emotion that she didn't try to figure out. "Don't worry, yesterday was the first and only."   
  
 _The last,_  he added in his mind   
  
Buffy nodded. Not satisfied but a little relieved. Still, she was confused about why Xander hadn’t told her before. She was so sure that if Xander knew anything about her having sex with a vampire, he would turn things upside down and make a huge scene. He should have instantly run to her screaming all the what-were-you-thinking evil-soulless-monster lines he always had handy.  
  
Last night, she had the impression that Xander cared deeply for Spike that he was in love with him, he had even tried to tell her that. But was it possible? He couldn't fall for Spike on that first day just because he kissed him, could he?  
  
"When you knew about me and Spike, why didn't you call me on it?" she asked, curious. "Why didn't you yell at me or tell Willow?"  
  
"I couldn't look at your face," he answered, his eyes looking straight at hers letting out something he had hidden for weeks. "I was hurt that you didn't tell me about what's going on with you… or even Will, since she was always more supportive than me of your attractions to the undead." He sighed and looked away. "But it wasn't that. At least it wasn't the only reason and barely comes second. It was probably because I liked the kiss."  
  
Buffy wasn't sure she heard Xander clearly. The last line was spoken so low that if she were a vampire she doubted she would be able hear it as well. But it wasn't hard to guess what Xander said, it was something she was expecting and at the same time dreading to hear. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply. The idea of Xander joining the gay parade like Willow, albeit three years behind, was a bit of shock, but it wasn't as big as the shock of the idea of him liking Spike, never mind hearing him so blatantly saying it out loud. Well, not loud, but she heard it and saw it enough. She didn't know how far the thing between Xander and Spike went, and wondered if she truly wanted to know.   
  
Opening her eyes, she stared at Xander's sad face and knew that Xander's feelings for Spike were more than just an attraction. It ran deeper than that.   
  
"Do you love him?" she asked effortlessly strangely producing an aura of calmness.  
  
Xander didn't answer right away, as he gazed at his feet silently. "Yeah," he finally answered. What was the point of denying it? Especially to Buffy who was here to hear answers.   
  
Buffy tried hard to cover her how her aura shattered. Xander loved Spike.  _Xander_ loved Spike. Xander loves  _Spike_. Repeating it in her head with the change in emphasis didn't help in making it sound the least normal.   
  
"He loves you?" she asked after a sigh. Well, if she was there, she had better go all the way.  
  
Heavy silence as Xander's eyes narrowed staring hard at balled hands. He was obviously brooding. Buffy was an expert at recognizing the signs.   
  
After few seconds he shook his head causing his sleep messed hair to fall over his eyes and she knew the answer was 'no'. Buffy felt her heart drop, she couldn't help it. It was hard to look at Xander while he was acting and looking that way. Her hand automatically went to rest on Xander's. Her fingers warped around the large hand and squeezed tight.  
  
As Buffy's soft hand squeezed his, Xander tried his best to not break down. He didn't deserve her sympathy. He didn't deserve her comfort. He had done a very stupid thing and hurt her in a terrible way. He shouldn't have slept with Spike while he was in her body. Buffy having slept with him before was no excuse.   
  
"I don't know what had gotten into me, Buffy," he blurted out miserably. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have slept with Spike… while in your body that is." He took a shuddered breath. "It's just…" He paused, his chest going up and down.  
  
"Just what?" Buffy asked gently, knowing that Xander needed to let it out. That she needed to hear it even more. She needed to know that Xander never meant for her to get hurt.   
  
"I knew," he said choking on the words. "Something inside me knew that he wouldn't want me if he found out the truth."  
  
Buffy's hand pressed against his, hard. "Maybe he was shocked," she tried to explain Spike's actions. She didn't know what had happened when Xander went to Spike's yesterday, but she guessed that Spike had rejected him if Xander's sad appearance at her house with Xander's relationship with Spike but at this moment she just wanted to make Xander feel better, hoping that in turn she would find peace herself with him.   
  
"I mean c'mon, what would you expect? Spike was obviously taken back. I'm sure he didn't mean what he…"   
  
"It wasn't that," Xander cut her off. "He… he looked disgusted."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Disgusted?"  
  
"At me," he clarified. "I disgust him."  
  
"Disgusted?!" Buffy cried out in disbelief. "Who does that jerk think he was to call you that? If anyone here is disgusting it would be him!"  
  
"Buffy," Xander said, exasperated.   
  
"Sorry, but... you let him call you that? For real?"  
  
"He did not… okay maybe he did call me that… and uh I let him… what is the point you're trying to make here?" he asked her, confused.  
  
"Remember when you were dating Cordy? She always called you names and you always threw a witty remark back at her. The same thing went with you and Spike PS."  
  
Xander furrowed his brows not understanding. "Huh?"  
  
"Pre-switch," she clarified it and Xander nodded understanding with a little smile. "Now you just let him diss you without you mouthing back," she went on before shaking her head. "You must really love him, don't you?"  
  
He shrugged. "What's not to love? He's good-looking, funny, brave…"  
  
"And great in bed," Buffy finished with a smirk.  
  
Xander blushed and looked down with a small smile. "Yeah, he is," he whispered sadly.  
  
They sat in silence for a while. Buffy's finger was doing circles on Xander's hand unconsciously. "Did you have feelings for him?" Xander asked Buffy softly.  
  
Buffy thought about it. "I think I did. But it wasn't love. I don't think it would ever be love."  
  
"It's so hard to love the ones who love you the most, isn't it?" Xander didn't know why he sounded bitter.  
  
Buffy took her hand away feeling slightly hurt. She knew what he meant. When they were in high school, Xander had never given up when he heard about the prophecy of her dying by the Master's hands. She could remember fondly sixteen-year-old Xander reminding her daily that he went to Angel's apartment, found him 'hiding' and forced him to take him to her. That was one of Xander's attempts to make her notice him yet she couldn't ever bring herself to like anyone but Angel.  
  
Xander had brought her back to life and she rewarded him by hurting his feelings when she had used him to get back at Angel. That song as she had danced with Xander rang in her mind.   
  
Spike had also proved that he loved her by taking care of Dawn and her friends even after she died and doing whatever she asked him to afterwards. She had rewarded him by using him time and time again.  
  
After all that Xander had done for her, she still chose Angel. Eventually, Angel had left her and Xander was still there by her side.  
  
Same thing with, Spike, after all she had done to him, he was still there.   
  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Xander apologized.  
  
"It's okay," she said sadly.  
  
They sat in silence for a few seconds then with a cough Xander turned uncertainly towards Buffy. “So… I’m not sure if I should ask this after all… well… but… are we cool?” His thick eyebrows rose worriedly.   
  
Buffy glanced at his timid expression and oddly enough, she found herself feeling less angry with him. That was Xander and hers first heart to heart talk. Maybe Xander being gay was going to become handy if that meant she had more people she could talk to about feelings. She chuckled, and then chuckled some more when Xander looked her perplexed.  
  
“Uh… should I take the giggling to mean that you’re not mad at me?” he said in a hopeful yet curious tone.  
  
Buffy placed a hand on her mouth to stop the giggles but Xander could still see her smile from behind it. After composing herself, which took a while, she replied, “I don’t know, maybe just a little. We all made very bad calls this year. So I figure the best thing is to start clean and forgive each other. Maybe then we could forgive ourselves,” she said smiling and Xander smiled back.  
  
“We have to put all this behind us. What would I do without my Xan-man, anyway?” She couldn’t help the tears that started forming in her eyes, telling Xander how much she hated that thought.   
  
Xander looked at her, mirroring her expression but holding back on the tears. “Me too… I don’t know what I would do without you and Will.”  
  
“Let’s not find out,” she whispered leaving the chair for a seat next to Xander on the couch. The two friends shared a big long hug, their faces buried on each other’s shoulders. Buffy let her tears fall down freely and Xander hugged her tighter.  
  
They broke the embrace looking at each other with sad yet hopeful smiles. Xander made a shuddered sigh. “So, everything is alright then?”  
  
Buffy shook her head. “You wish,” she said dread in her eyes.  
  
“What?”   
  
“We still have to face Willow.”  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Buffy and Xander both held their breaths as they observed Willow. The two friends had left Xander's apartment after Xander took a quick shower and put on some clean clothes. They had stopped on the way over to pick up donuts and coffee, making sure to make one decaf, they didn't need Willow to be that hyper. After that, off they headed to the Summers' residence.  
  
Once there, Tara and Dawn had taken one look at them and left for an early movie, leaving Willow in the living room with her two friends.   
  
Half an hour later, Willow had eaten two donuts and her coffee cup was empty while Xander and Buffy barely touched theirs, as they were too busy tag-team storytelling. That was where they left off, waiting for Willow to comment on everything they had told her. And by everything they meant everything, for the most part the whole situation with Spike involving both Buffy and Xander. About what they did, how they felt and how they wanted to tell her but were afraid of what she would think. In addition, how now they were telling everything and hoping she wouldn't spoil how great she had been doing in controlling her magic and/or put a hex on them.   
  
Willow blinked at them. She sucked her finger where some sugar had remained from her last donut. She opened her mouth. Xander and Buffy leaned closer as if that would help them catch every word, and Willow said, "Okay." She shrugged and continued making sure her fingers were sugar free.   
  
Xander almost fell from his seat in front of the couch that the girls were occupying. "That's it? Just… 'okay'? We bare our souls and you say okay?"   
  
Willow fixed him with her green eyes resolve face donned. "Xander Harris, you better accept the metaphorical horse in your mouth 'cause you're not gonna like the other option!"   
  
Xander gulped and shrunk back.  
  
Buffy held strong because she was the slayer and it wouldn't do for her to show fear. "Willow, are you really ok with this?"   
  
Willow turned her eyes towards Buffy where they instantly softened. "I can't justify either of your actions, Buffy… but I somewhat feel responsible. If I hadn't brought you back…"   
  
Buffy cut her off, "We've already closed that book, Willow. And I'm not the type to re-read. What I did had nothing to do with you." She gave her a sad smile.  
  
Willow nodded with a firm face. "I promise I won't bring you back next time you die." And she meant that.   
  
Buffy pouted. "You make that sound like I have frequent flyer miles or something."  
  
Xander chose that moment to cut in, not really wanting that subject to evolve, "Well, I'm just glad that she isn't mad at us for not telling her sooner."  
  
Willow turned her eyes angrily at Xander. "Who said I'm not?! And it's not for being the last to know… which I'm not, 'cause hello Giles...!"  
  
"Uh… I did tell Giles yesterday," Buffy said with an unsure gaze and a raised hand.  
  
Willow closed her eyes firmly and bit her lower lip. She was very irritated with the interruption, not to mention what Buffy's words meant, that she was indeed the last to know.  
  
She opened her eyes, looking at Xander and went on angrily. "…But what you two did to Spike was really harsh. I can't believe you two were such poop-heads!"  
  
Buffy and Xander had the dignity to look ashamed. Though Xander looked more heartbroken than shamefaced. Willow, as his childhood friend, noticed instantly. Her gaze alleviated and she placed a gentle hand on his knee.   
  
"You really care about him, don't you?"   
  
Buffy raised her eyes in time to catch Xander nodding.   
  
Willow smiled. "Don't worry. Things will get better. He'll get over his anger and hopefully get that," she reassured.   
  
Xander gave her a watery smile. He didn't try to remind her of his conversation with Spike yesterday, one which he had shared with Willow a few minutes earlier. Perhaps the reason he didn't was that he wanted to retain some hope as well.   
  
Buffy looked between the two friends and her eyes hardened as an idea formed in her head.   
  
Willow sighed and fell back against the cushions. She let out a chuckle and when she noticed the questioning looking on her she explained, "Well, I thought I had it bad with the whole complete sex change and the manifestation of a very demanding penis."  
  
Buffy giggled and Xander felt mortified. He actually brought his knees closer. Willow huffed and crossed her arms. "Though you know after a month of the little guy," Xander scowled at that, "always being there, I kind of miss him."  
  
"Willow!" Buffy shrieked, slapping her giggling friend playfully on the shoulder.   
  
If possible, Xander's legs were even closer. He glared. "Keep your 'gay fingers' off my not so little man." He felt proud with his little gay-equals-happy twist.  
  
Buffy and Willow, on the other hand, didn't seem to be that impressed. A mischievous gleam appeared in Willow's eyes and Xander knew from experience to be afraid. That was what he got with having too many girl friends. They knew your secrets and used them against you.   
  
"But are you, Mr. Harris, keeping your 'gay fingers' to yourself?" She wiggled her eyebrows.   
  
Buffy gasped. "Oh my God, Willow! Did spending all that time in Xander's body affect you this much?"  
  
Willow shrugged. "Don't tell me you don't miss at least one thing about being in my body."   
  
"God knows it's not the studying," Buffy mumbled. "Well, actually I am thinking about being a redhead. I miss the red locks."  
  
Xander and Willow both scrunched their noses. "Take it from two gay people, Buffy, that's not the look for you," Willow said.   
  
Buffy pouted.   
  
Xander was actually feeling giddy. He had forgotten how being with his two best friends had always lifted his spirit. He was still amazed at how quickly the two had adapted to the fact of him now being gay, which he was still unsure of. He had assumed since he was attracted to Spike that he was. But did that make him gay?   
  
"I miss feeling secure," Xander blurted out interrupting Buffy who was trying to convince Willow that red would look good on her. They looked at him with equal 'what the hell are you talking about' expression on their faces.   
  
Xander blushed. "You know. The feel of the bra, I dunno, it kinda made me feel…" he stopped because he could see that both his friends had donned blank faces that he related them to them trying to mask their inner laughter.  
  
He huffed. "You can laugh, you know." That was their cue to burst into a fit of girly giggles. Xander couldn't help but join them after a while as their chuckling became full blown laughter as they all recalled their confessions.   
  
Xander clutched his abdomen as he felt the usual over laughing accompanied pain as he wound down from the hooting. He sighed in contentment. "I gotta tell you guys I'm glad all this is in the open… I don't think I can go through this again."   
  
His mirth was short lived as he was struck by nervous looks from both girls.   
  
Xander sat up straight. "What?"   
  
Buffy looked at Willow for support and Willow sighed taking up the task. "Well, you're not out of the woods yet."  
  
Xander got a sad look on his face. "Yeah, I know, Spike…"  
  
Both girls shook their heads stopping that train of thought. He looked at them blankly. "What? Tara and Dawn will get the dish from the two of you like usual… 'cause if you expect me to…?"   
  
Buffy and Willow sighed, registering the fact that it would be nightfall before Xander figured it out so they figured they would give him a hint.  
  
"Giles," two feminine voices deadpanned.  
  
Xander laid his head between his hands and groaned.   
  
"Oh shit."  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
In the kitchen, Giles yawned before he took a sip out of his teacup. He had never expected to wake up this late. The result of spending the whole night and most of dawn musing about what Buffy and Willow had told him since his departure. But still, waking up at 3 o'clock? He was surprised that no one had woken him.  
  
"Uh… Giles?"  
  
He turned his gaze to the door and saw Xander standing there. He shuffled on his feet looking nervous before he flashed his typical goofy grin and waved a hand. "Hey," he said in a somewhat tense cheer.  
  
"Hello," Giles whispered back, giving a small smile of reassurance.  
  
Xander took a few steps and sat on the chair opposite Giles. His hands automatically began to play with a spoon on the table. His gaze fell on the spoon and moved it around in his hands, not meeting Giles' eyes. It felt weird to initiate a private conversation with Giles. He couldn't remember a time when he and Giles sat alone discussing his life.  
  
Xander recalled that time when he first announced his engagement to Anya. Giles had acted very father-like, so that it made Xander very uncomfortable. He remembered fondly that sweet feeling of boredom. When Giles made the two of them sit in the stairway, Giles commenced giving him pieces of advice. Xander had always noticed how those kids in sitcoms got bored when their fathers went on and on about how they should live their lives. Giles made him feel like that then and Xander had grinned all the way through the long lecture. Xander had never experienced that sort of feeling until that moment, which made it very special to him.   
  
Giles watched Xander in front of him as he anxiously played with the silver spoon. Even though Xander got into trouble and messed up the most out of all the others, Giles had never had to have 'a talk' with him as he always did with Buffy and Willow. When Xander muddled things, Giles would just yell at him and that was that.  
  
He worked well with Buffy and Willow, yet he had always had faced some hardship tolerating Xander. He did not know why he had been rough on Xander most of the time, always snapping at him. Couldn't stand him every now and then as well. Generally, the impression that Buffy and Willow had a very especial spot in his heart was given while Xander was nowhere near it. That upset Giles more than he ever thought it would.  
  
Possibly the reason was that Buffy and Willow were girls. It made it easier to act like a mentor around them, to chastise them when they slipped. It made it easier to comfort them when they were distressed. It made it easier to hug them when they needed it. He never thought Xander would appreciate it if another man, in front of audience, hugged him, would he?   
  
"So," Giles was the first to cut the silence between them, wanting to hear Xander's side of what had happened. He had spoken with the girls yesterday and all he got about Xander was leaving Anya at the altar in fear of becoming his abusive father. Willow had explained, if there had been someone with Xander that day, listening to his fears and reassuring him that he was better than that, Xander and Anya might still be together today.   
  
The best news came from Buffy. Both  _Buffy_  and  _Xander_  had slept with Spike. Spike?! If Giles ever regretted leaving this would be the reason. He had never trusted Spike. He understood Buffy's motives, he did not accept them, but understood them. It all made him feel guilty. If he had stayed, she wouldn't have gone to Spike seeking comfort. He had to tell himself that. That Buffy was better than that. That it was his fault.   
  
From what Buffy had told him, Xander might have been sleeping with Spike for a while. She didn't understand why Xander would do such thing. She tried to get the answer out of Giles, but he was as confused about Xander's reasons as she was. If Giles weren't mistaken, the switch between the three happened after Xander left Anya, therefore Xander might have been seeking comfort by sleeping with Spike.   
  
"So," Xander repeated in a whisper. He didn't know where to start. 'Giles, I've screwed up a lot. Want me to count 'em for you? left Ahn at the alter, hurt her, used Buffy's body to have sex with Spike, hurt her, add Spike to that list,' was all he could think of.  
  
Giles sighed when he saw Xander sticking to silence. "So you've been having… uh… an 'affair'…" he struggled to say the word. "…with Spike because you were hurting over Anya?" Giles had to give Xander a little push.   
  
Xander blinked up at him.  _Whoa, Giles the Mr. Forward!_  
  
"Uh, at first yeah, I began to hang with Spike because of the Anya thing." Xander blushed. "He was very… comforting and I really needed that."  
  
Giles nodded, understanding. He knew that Spike could be charming when he wanted something. "And when did your relationship with him become more… physical?" He couldn't help breaking eye contact, feeling somewhat embarrassed. He would never get used to handling their unusual sex life.  
  
 _Uh the sex! He wants to know about the sex?! I'm not sure I'm ready for that._  Xander looked at Giles nervously. "Uh, if you mean physically fighting then, no, we never… " He tried to sound naive.   
  
Suddenly, it seemed as if Giles lost all patience. "You know what I mean!" he snapped.  
  
Xander flinched at the yell. "Uh no, um… I didn't get it. I'm Xander. You have to use simpler words." He wasn't sure he wanted to discuss the sex thing with Giles. He never liked it when Anya talked on and on about them in bed in front of anyone.  
  
Giles couldn't control his rage. He didn't know why suddenly he lost his handle on his nerves. He hit the table with his hands and pushed himself up closer to a wide-eyed Xander. "I'm sure you knew what I meant. And don't you ever use that card with me." Now Giles knew why he would snap at Xander every once in a while. It angered him how the boy always thought of himself as an idiot, therefore presenting that view to the world. He knew Xander wasn't like that. He knew how Xander always used the phrase 'I'm stupid' as an excuse, because Xander knew people would accept that. But Giles wasn't one of those people. He always became incensed when he saw how Xander hid himself.   
  
"What card?" Xander asked, confused.  
  
"The 'I'm such a brainless loser' card. We both know that you aren't, just stop the act."  
  
Xander stared at Giles for a moment. "We only did it yesterday, the one time," he answered seriously, abruptly changing his attitude.   
  
It took Giles few seconds to comprehend with what Xander said. His mind was still raging over his previous thoughts. He settled again in his chair, took a deep breath, and looked at Xander, once again the calm reserved man. "Very well, so from what you said, you felt you needed comfort over Anya's departure at first. So that means you have other reasons for sleeping with him."  
  
Xander was looking down at his hands. "I'm in love with him," he spoke faintly.  
  
Giles stared at him, shocked. Of all the unexpected reasons he expected Xander to give; that wasn't even the last thing Giles expected.  
  
"Are you… um disappointed?" Xander whispered the question still not looking up not wanting to see the answer to his question the other man's eyes.  
  
"Let's just say I didn't see that coming… from you of all people."   
  
Xander chuckled humorlessly. "That phrase is beginning to get on my nerves."  
  
Giles smiled. "I take it everyone else said the same?"  
  
"Yeah, even Spike," Xander said solemnly.  
  
Giles recognized that sad tone and it wasn't hard to guess that the meeting between Xander and Spike yesterday had ended unpleasantly, for Xander at least.   
  
"I'm sorry," he said. "I can't help but think that if I've been at your wedding things might have ended better."  
  
That struck a nerve in Xander. Why wasn't Giles at his wedding? Why hadn't he answered Xander's calls or called back since Xander left several messages on Giles' machine? He didn't know about the flowers Giles had sent until Xander returned back to Sunnydale. Strangely, the thought of Giles not coming to his non-wedding was making him far less emotional than when he had blubbered all over himself when he was in Buffy's body. Women were too sensitive.  
  
"Giles?" Xander began apprehensively. He was afraid to ask, but he needed to know.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why didn't you come to my wedding?" He looked back down. His new friend the spoon moved in his hands and Xander thought it looked somewhat sad. Or what could be described as sad for a piece of silverware.   
  
"I was in another dimension." He heard Giles answer. "The transportation took me by surprise."  
  
"But... the flowers?  
  
"They were arranged to be sent in advance."   
  
Xander looked up and Giles was smiling warmly. There was also sadness that Xander knew what had caused it. He returned the smile, getting that sweet feeling again but this time boredom wasn't a part of it.  
  
"I see that you were upset," Giles said referring to his absence from the wedding.  
  
"I was hurt, yeah."  
  
Giles' eyes became serious. "You know I care about you, Xander. I would never miss the biggest day of your life for anything but…"  
  
"I understand, Giles, it's okay," Xander said, still smiling. "The wedding didn't happen, anyway, and now I'm in love with someone else," he spoke the words simply. He was surprised how easy and good it felt to say the words.   
  
"Spike," Giles' tone showed how the idea wasn't yet accepted.  
  
"Who happens to be a vampire and male," Xander added with pep and a raised spoon. He might take this little guy home with him, given that this conversation was easier than he expected. This could be a magic spoon. His mind whirled while his mouth kept moving, "Which brings the question if I'm really gay or not?"  
  
"You're still confused over that?" Giles leaned back, pushing away his cold tea.   
  
"I dunno, at first I thought that these feelings I'm having for Spike were just some side effect for being inside a female body. You know how females get to be emotional over the guy that acts nice around them. I thought that after being in Buffy's body, they'll wear off after a while… that didn't happen. I still have those feeling for him, even now… clearly not being in a womanly body. So does that mean that I'm gay?" Xander asked again. He discreetly glanced at the spoon to see if it has anything to add.   
  
"Well, have you found another male attractive beside Spike?"  
  
"I dunno, there aren't many male folk in our little tight group." They both chuckled at that.  
  
"Okay, did you enjoy um…?" Giles trailed off, uncomfortable.  
  
"Yeah, I did," Xander answered, feeling embarrassed as well. "But I was still in a female body, so I'm not sure if that changes anything."  
  
"Uh… nothing happened um… last night when you went to see him after the spell?"  
  
"Other than the intense fight, uh no, I guess." He thought for a minute. "No, no wait. There was a kiss."  
  
"And?"  
  
"I liked it." Xander shrugged.  _Hey, talking about smoochies with a guy with another guy is better than the alternative._  
  
"What about women? You still find them attractive?"  
  
"I guess so, I still don't…" Xander didn't know how the conversation about what he had done had turned into finding his sexual orientation. Moreover, was it weird that Giles was the one doing it with him or what?   
  
"It's okay. If you find both men and women attractive then you're bisexual. Given that you stayed nearly three years with Anya doing what you two do, I'm sure you still like what women offer." Xander blinked. He was sure he saw Giles smirk there. He shook his head.  _This was way too weird,_  he thought.   
  
"Yeah well, it's not Anya that's holding my interest, anymore," Xander said very sadly. "At least she had an interest in me back, Spike doesn’t want anything to do with me."  
  
"Perhaps that's for the best."   
  
Xander looked up, shocked.   
  
Giles removed his glassed and started wiping them. "Well, Xander, you have to admit that Spike isn't of the best people to be having an affair with."   
  
"I know this isn’t about him being a guy thing."   
  
Giles waved his glassed before putting them back on. "Certainty not, do you see me that narrow minded?"  
  
Xander grinned. "Oh, no, I see you very open minded. I see Ethan being very open minded, too."   
  
Giles chuckled and slapped his head playfully. "Brat."  
  
Xander let out a small laugh before turning to Giles, serious. "What did you mean then?"  
  
Giles sighed. "Xander, Spike is a vampire… he's a soulless creature and is not capable of love. He most certainly had some other purpose up his sleeve."   
  
"Yeah, well, that's what I used to think too, before." And Xander proceeded to tell Giles what happened between him and Spike. If he gave Giles more intimate accounts of what he had with Spike than the ones he had given Buffy and Willow, was it because he was more comfortable speaking with Giles about it? And yet again with the weirdness.   
  
He was not interrupted and was left to say all. He told Giles how he began to see Spike in a new light, how he realized Spike did care about them, though Spike never admitted to it, and how his feelings for Spike grew deeper with everyday. Xander would stop sometimes but would continue upon seeing the understanding look and encouragement in Giles' eyes. He told Giles about the last minute decision to have sex with Spike, fearing that it would be the only chance he could ever get to having him that close. How they were interrupted by Buffy and how Spike stormed out with a look of betrayal in his eyes after he figured everything out.   
  
Xander repeated the events of last night when he went to Spike's crypt trying to explain to him and ask his forgiveness.   
  
"He didn't want to hear anything I had to say," Xander finished his sad recollection.   
  
Giles laid a hand on Xander's. "I'm sure Spike was a bit pissed."  
  
"He's gonna leave, Giles. He's gonna leave Sunnydale because of me."  
  
Silently, Giles gave all the support he could offer by squeezing Xander's hand reassuringly.   
  
Next to the door, out of the range of their vision, stood an eavesdropping Buffy. Now she made up her mind.   
  
She was going to have a little talk with a certain blond vampire.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Buffy knocked on the door before she entered without waiting for an answer. Spike looked surprised that she actually was there.   
  
"Why the show of incomplete courtesy, Slayer?"  
  
If he noticed how her stance seemed different, how her green eyes were missing something, something that recently he saw in hazel eyes, he didn't dwell on it.   
  
Buffy shrugged and moved around in the crypt yet kept a strategic distance between them, her eyes didn't land on anything particular. "It's not the same… I couldn't…" she whispered.   
  
Spike waved her off dismissively with a long sleeved gray shirt and continued doing what he was before she let herself in, packing.   
  
Buffy felt uncomfortable, not at ease with what she came to do. She took her eyes off him stuffing his belongings in the duffle bag and looked around.   
  
"You've fixed up the place," she commented, thinking that it was best to warm up to the subject. She was actually surprised to notice the lack of rubble that had been there after the explosion.   
  
Spike froze as a memory of him and a small blonde clearing the place up flashed in his head. He pushed that thought away. It was only a means to an end, he repeated to himself.   
  
Out of nowhere, he was startled when Buffy - this Buffy, real Buffy -started talking about what she had done to him and how wrong it all was. How they both knew it. She might have used him, knowing that he loved her but she did it while feeling nothing. She still felt nothing, she said with real regret in her eyes. She couldn't force herself to love him. She had feelings for him but it wasn't love. He was right to hate her for what she did but wrong to blame Xander. She was to blame. She stared pacing saying that it was wrong to blame Spike because she truly believed that he loved her and that he thought that Xander was her at the time. Every time Spike opened his mouth to interrupt, she cut him off.   
  
"He's not like that, you know. I've known him for years… I know that he doesn't take advantage of people…"  
  
"How could you be so bloody sure!" Spike jumped up, punching the air with his fist. "'Cause from my end it sure seemed that."   
  
Buffy sighed. It seemed that there was only one way to prove how Xander really was. She hoped it wouldn't come to that. She knew that Spike was all talk about hurting them, she knew him better than anyone did, well maybe not better than Xander. Still she hated giving up ammunition. She pulled herself straight. She owed this to Xander. "You remember that spell he messed up with Amy making every woman in Sunnydale fall for him?"  
  
Spike nodded, remembering when he discussed it with Buf—no, that had been Xander.  
  
"Well, as an active member of the female gender I was under it, too. So was Willow. She was actually in his bed and he ran the other way. I practically threw myself almost naked at him…" she said, embarrassed.  
  
Spike raised his eyebrow at that interesting bit of news.   
  
"… you see what was different for me than Willow is that he had these feelings for me… but he didn't do anything… he actually pushed me away, metaphorically speaking," Buffy said with a soft smile.  
  
"Any other guy in his place would've taken advantage but he didn't. He said it wasn't right… that even though he wanted it so bad, he couldn't, not that way. Not because of a spell. Not when it wasn’t real to me."  
  
She locked her eyes with Spike. It still amazed her that it was so easy to talk to him. Nevertheless, that wasn't what she was here for.   
  
"He protected me from myself. It didn’t matter that what happened was a result of him wanting to get back at Cordy… that's forgotten, but his loyalty and morality… that lasted… I would never forget that."   
  
She looked down, her eyes darkened. "I yelled at him, you know… after you stormed out. I yelled, and I cried and he took it all."  
  
Spike shifted still crouching down. He had yelled at Xander as well. His face hardened at the ridiculous feeling of guilt that rushed into him. The git had used him, he deserved Spike's teeth ripping his throat.   
  
Buffy hid the small smile of triumph that she felt building up. She knew how to read Spike well after spending all that time with him. She was getting to him. "I know he took advantage of you… but it isn’t 'cause you meant nothing… it's because he was afraid he would never get another chance to be with you…"  
  
Buffy looked deeply into Spike's eyes,  _She swings, she hits,_  and said in a serious voice, "He really cares about you. Heck, I'm even sure he's in love with you. I don't think he could've thought straight with of all that hanging over his head."  
  
 _Home run!_  She mentally yelled when she saw a hopeful gleam in Spike's eyes. She had been thinking all the way to Spike's crypt that she was doing this for Xander but now upon seeing the look in Spike who had become in that time after her return the closest thing she had a confidant, a friend, she knew she owed it to him as well. Those two were always there for her, and it seemed only fair that she be there for them. Moreover, if that meant that she was going to play matchmaker, well then that was a plus.   
  
"You claim you're an expert of love, Spike… love's bitch you said. Never having the love you give returned. Well, here's a first for you… Xander is the one giving… it's up to you to be the one returning it." There was actually some pleading in her tone.   
  
Spike was looking at her silently, his face emotionless. She thought she saw a flicker of his world known passion giving her some hope as she looked into the soulfulness of his azure eyes before it was all masked with indignation.   
  
"What makes you so sure that I'm a poof?"   
  
Buffy smirked. This was good. Spike wasn't denying anything she said. He was only being his normal stubborn self, she could handle that. "Let's just say since Giles didn’t give me the Slayer Hand Book I took offence and went through his book collection, his secret book stash, looking for it. Instead I found a large volume dedicated to Angelus and William the Bloody… I did not know that watchers of that time were such voyeurs." She chuckled, flushing bright red.  
  
Spike looked impressed and a little worried when he thought of Xander the second he saw Buffy blush. "Amazed you didn't think little of your lover boy."  
  
Buffy shrugged that off. "Pfft, why? It was such great blackmail material: I can hold it over his head that he never REALLY hated you. Besides, that was after he left for L.A."   
  
She sobered up him and went back to the subject at hand telling him that Xander really cared for him and she wanted her friend happy.   
  
"Yeah, better him than you… or am I just stepping down the ladder?" Spike sounded unsure even when he said that looking down at his duffle bag.   
  
Buffy shook her head. "What I did to you… it was wrong… I'm sorry."  
  
Spike looked surprised at her apology. Buffy looked back at him straight in the eye.   
  
"I used you, Spike, but you used me, too."  
  
He didn't deny that.   
  
"I let you use me 'cause I was the one who needed it more. I used you knowing that you loved me… I shouldn't have ended it like that… I should've explained. Well, hey, look I guess I did." She grinned. Then her face became solemn again.   
  
"Xander came to you to apologize and explain the first chance he got…” she continued unknowing of Spike's thoughts at the time.   
  
Spike felt his anger rise. He was pulled from his shock at Buffy apologizing to him back to the reason he was leaving Sunnydale, which was about time if he had anything to say about it. What did she expect him to do? Take the boy in his bloody arms and make love to him until the soldiers came home? After everything the wanker had done? Not bloody likely.  
  
Buffy raised her hand to stop the on slough of cursing she knew was about to burst from Spike's mouth.  
  
"'Course I don’t think you're in the mood to kiss and make up." Buffy raised an eyebrow at the kiss part making Spike flinch. She patted her back at remembering that from listening in to Giles and Xander's conversation. "I guess you were sick of being used as a welcome mat."  
  
Spike shook his head. He must be still sleeping away his hangover.  _Buffy_  understood him. She was making sense, even though she still loved the sound of her voice. Had the world ended and his card had been lost in the mail?   
  
"You were right, Spike." Even Buffy frowned at that uncommon sentence. She gave a shudder before continuing, "You and I are alike in some ways but we are different in many others. Let's not be alike on wasting a chance at Xander." She smiled sadly willing him to understand; to give it a chance for all their sakes.   
  
"Just stay. Not only to give Xander a chance to settle his thoughts, and you, but for us. We still need a good fighter and Dawn'll kill me if she knew I was part of driving you away." She shuddered. "I really can't stand the whining." She smiled confessing more to that statement in that soft grin that both of them cared to voice at the time.   
  
"I'm not asking for you to get on one knee and declare eternal love to him. All I'm saying is stay… see what happens… you might finally get your 'requited' love."   
  
With that, she nodded to Spike and gave a small smile to the darkened corner before exiting. The metal door closed softly behind her with a soft click.  
  
"She's right, you know."   
  
Spike started at the sound. He had completely forgotten that Clem was there. He groaned realizing that the floppy skinned demon had heard everything.   
  
"Everyone makes mistakes, dude. I mean, he's looking past you having killed in the past to what you're doing in the present. Who knows maybe…"   
  
His friend smiled a toothy grin before munching on chip crunching away as he continued his TV gazing.  
  
Spike slumped down in his chair next to Clem with a weary sigh, his packing all but forgotten. He contemplated the words of the Slayer and the demon sitting beside him. He matched them with Xander and how he had been acting when he came to speak with him.   
  
"Bloody hell." Spike still held his fool's membership card; it hadn't expired yet.   
  
He lightened a cigarette and inhaled deeply. He wouldn't leave Sunnyhell, yet. On the other hand, he wasn't going to go to Xander either. This time, he was going to hold the strings. He wanted the time to be just right.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
Spike, to Xander's utter relief, stayed in Sunnydale. For a whole month, he helped the Scoobies from time to time and only when they really needed it. He never stuck around after though and that always put a sad look in Xander's eyes. He got coddled by the girls afterward, but that only made him feel better a little, not enough. He knew that Spike had stayed because Buffy spoke to him, but she didn't tell him what they had talked about and Clem was as tight lipped as his floppy skin allowed him to be.   
  
Xander always noticed how, when he and the girls went on patrol and came across Spike, he always looked at Buffy a certain way before melting into the shadows in that slinky way he did. What he didn't know was that Spike had actually been looking for what made him feel as if he were floating a few weeks earlier, and with not finding it, became frustrated and left to pound on some unsuspecting demon.  
  
Xander sighed. Everything other than the Spike front was looking up. Willow and Tara were as happy as could be. Giles had taken back his place as mentor and was looking after Willow and Tara on the magic front. In addition, he was back to training Buffy but this time Xander and Dawn sometimes joined the sessions.   
  
Buffy was also dating a Hellmouth-wise Richard, which was unexpected. They hadn't thought he would be her type, but Buffy reminded them that she wasn't predictable.  
  
He kicked a pebble, thinking of Spike again. Spike had to have stuck around for Buffy. He let out a small laugh when Willow said something funny, he didn’t know what it was but Buffy was laughing so it had to be. He placed his arms around his two friends and hugged them, for the second time that night, as they were ending their patrol. They were heading to the Bronze where Tara and Richard were going to meet them. Xander couldn't wait to be a fifth wheel again. He kind of missed it.   
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
He started following them. He was trying to tell himself that he wanted to watch Buffy like he used to. Make sure that she was okay during patrols, that nothing would harm her… because he loved her. That was what he told himself in the beginning. As well as later on when he saw her going out with a blond man, laughing with him. Spike recognized him from Buffy's birthday party, one of Xander's friends. He couldn't remember his name though. The two would meet up after patrol some nights and head to the Bronze to dance. He tried to convince himself that he was following because he was jealous.   
  
That was before he started realizing how he always stopped following Buffy when she seemed to be out on her own. Only stuck around when her friends where with her. He noticed that they were getting closer. Those three were spending more and more time together, most of the times Tara and Giles didn’t even come along.   
  
Spike noticed that Giles had decided to stay in Sunnydale. He even moved back into his old place and took back ownership of the Shop.   
  
Whenever Spike would pass by the Magic Box - because it was in the middle of town and, well, he had to go pass it to get to wherever he was going, no other ulterior motives there - he would see Giles behind the counter with the Scoobies, even Dawn, scattered all over the place. He pretended that the sight of the obviously happy family didn’t leave an ache in his chest. He pretended long enough until he found some Jack and didn’t need to think about it anymore, or anything else.  
  
He never knew that he had never felt loneliness, not until now. That if what he had felt was indeed being alone. He wondered what to christen the feelings that have been running through him those past weeks.   
  
The feeling of anger and being betrayed died long back, as they tended to do. He was one to know, they did when he first experienced Angelus stealing Drusilla from him right after William's confession that she was his everything, his destiny. Spike had fooled himself after he had given up his anger on the two of them, mostly Angelus, that his grandsire did that because he was jealous. Of him or Drusilla, it was a matter of perspective giving that Darla wasn't there to tend to Angelus' every need. Spike never knew when he gave up his fantasies about Angelus, or when accepted that he was only a substitute for him with Drusilla.   
  
Nothing like with Buffy, for with her he knew from day one that he was only there because Angel wasn't. She had said as much herself. Deep down he had always felt it. Knew that he loved them all more than they loved him, if they ever. Angelus saw him as property with all the accessories that came with that, while Drusilla thought of him as her prince charming and Daddy-stand-in as he looked after her. For Buffy, he was convenient when she needed extra muscle as well as a punching bag. Later on, he was a baby/mom sitter, not that he minded, he had cared dearly for Joyce and Dawn, then finally she reached the using his body and feelings part, like all of them. It was inevitable. He had walked to it with his own two feet.  
  
With them all Spike had known subconsciously that it was going to end badly for him. Even before it had started, he knew. Problem was, he always let it happen, it was like watching two cars collide but having the power to do nothing but watch and wait. He was Love's Bitch because he didn't know how to be anything else.  
  
Spike looked down at the dying flame on the short end of his cigarette. This was different. If he had been asked to guess the day that Xander took over Buffy's body, he believed could give a close guess. He had given it adequate contemplation over the weeks. It wasn't the way she acted or spoke, though that had been different, it was something in him. He remembered that night quite vividly because he returned to his crypt and instead of waiting away the night drinking and watching the television he had laid flat on his cold tomb and gazed at the cobwebbed ceiling feeling detached. Something in the back of his mind nagged at him. Something in him told him that 'this' could work. It never had before. It had always been a doomed thing from the start. Slayer, Vampire, one would only need to look at Angel and he had a soul to hold him up. Not to mention that Buffy never loved him, that also added to the doomed thing a little.   
  
He completely stopped pretending along the third week when he noticed how he always focused on Xander during patrols. He began noticing the difference between him and Buffy, how the way Xander walked and when his eyes lit up would remind him of  _his Buffy_. That was what Spike started to call her. She wasn’t Buffy, she wasn’t Xander... she was his. The woman... the person of his dreams. The one who could make his heart jump-start with a smile and a look. The one that could make him feel like he existed, who would look at him and actually see him. Then he began noticing some new things he only vaguely was aware of before.  
  
The way Xander would stay in the middle between his two friends so they would be in easy reach when he wanted to wrap his arms around them in an affectionate hug.   
  
He had been watching, waiting in the shadows. Waiting for his chance, wondering when it would come, and if it did, what it would be like. He didn’t want to seem desperate; like he needed them, because he didn’t. No. He was a vampire. He had lived a hundred years on his own.  
  
Actually, that wasn’t true. He had been with Drusilla. In fact, he had never been alone for long periods of time in his whole existence. He had always had someone... but if one looked at it clearly, someone had always had him. He had never had anyone, at least not completely. He wanted someone who could give as much as he gave. And according to both his floppy skinned demon friend and the infamous Slayer all his dreams were embodied in one Xander Harris.  
  
Spike guessed that that was why this whole thing upset him. Because he KNEW it was right. He should. Of all the failed affairs he had, this one was the first he truly felt could work out. He never questioned it then, too afraid to burst the happy bubble he lived in, but somehow he knew. He knew whomever he was falling deeply for wasn't Buffy. It was someone who actually saw him, who took the time to spend hours talking with him, cleaning up his rubble of a living space and trustingly sleeping in his arms. Buffy never trusted him. When it all unveiled and the person he was falling in love with was revealed to be Xander Harris, Spike wasn't angry of the who, he was angry of the why and if. In that defining moment when Buffy confirmed the truth for him, he saw all his dreams of someone returning his affection, finally, to a ploy to use him or make fun of him and that hurt. More than he ever felt possible.   
  
Nevertheless, could he look past all what Xander had done to him? Sure, the old age insults didn’t matter, they had gone back and forth between them, it was like part of who they were, it had actually been comforting. Spike snorted as he realized that even then the only one who ever really saw him was Xander, even if it he saw him in distrust. Spike also knew that he had returned the favor.   
  
Could he forget, no, that would never happen, forgive? Xander had used him. That caused the almost dampened anger to start rising again. A human, who he had saved countless times, had used him like a whore. Spike’s eyes turned gold as he bored daggers into the boy at the distance.   
  
That was until he heard Xander's laugh. His eyes returned to their blue color as he frowned. Xander always laughed. He laughed when he fell, he laughed at himself and, Spike realized, to cover up his hurt. However, Xander hadn't laughed that day at his crypt.   
  
He sighed. He knew he was only delaying the inevitable. He could forgive Xander because he knew Xander cared for him. Xander had looked past his evil past as a vampire and a soulless killer. He had accepted, when he was in Buffy’s body, that he was helping because he wanted to, not because he had to. He knew when Xander looked at him that he forgave him for trying to kill him and his friends numerous times. Spike didn’t even need to ask, he just saw it in the way Xander looked at him before, in Buffy’s body, and after, when he came to his crypt.   
  
Spike winched. That was when he refused to listen and harassed the boy. He had been a bastard then. Spike knew why Xander forgave him. Why Xander did what he did. Spike had thought that if he were placed in the same situation and was faced with the same choice he would’ve done the same thing. Hell, Spike was impressed with Xander’s will. Spike finally came to term that if all what Xander wanted was to have sex with him he could have done so months before, but he didn’t. If Spike were in his place, he doubted he could’ve shown such restraint. The only explanation to that was that Xander truly cared for Spike, and dare he say, even loved him.  
  
He looked at the three friends as they wrapped up the night. It seemed that they were heading for the Bronze to hang out.   
  
He smirked.   
  
Now all he had to do was wait his chance to make a move.  
  
  
  


~*~*~*~

  
  
  
  
The music was loud. Too loud, Xander knew his ears would explode any minute now. There wasn't any band in the Bronze but the DJ was blaring instead. Xander looked at his friends dancing with their partners. He couldn't help but feel jealousy slither inside him. He was happy for his friends, but he wanted to have someone to dance with, too. The problem was he didn't want any-someone, he wanted a certain-someone. He sighed. That would never happen. Spike still had feelings for Buffy, didn't like Xander's outer look, and didn't like Xander himself. He counted the reasons off the top of his head.   
  
 _Oh and yeah, I lied and used him. Mustn't forget that. That's something that can dampen a love affair._  
  
Buffy and Willow must have noticed his rising misery because they started to cast concerned looks towards him from the dance floor. He grinned goofily at them and pointed at his 'companion', who was a drunken woman glad to find someone to listen to her anguish.  
  
Xander played a convincing act to his two best girls that he was hitting it off with the lady by looking interested while acting as if he was listening to her miserable babble.   
  
Buffy and Willow smiled at him eventually and turned back to their partners.  
  
Xander sighed again. It was hard to mope in your own gloom when your friends checked on you every minute. Buffy and Willow were making him feel smothered. He wanted some time alone with his sorrowful thoughts. Was that too much to ask?  
  
Okay, he liked the new closeness between them and hoped it would last, but Xander was a man. Wrong or right, men didn't talk much about their feelings and let out their sadness in words. Men got drunk when they felt down, which was something Xander gave up on doing. Therefore, that only left the lonesome broodiness and the talking about his feelings with his girl friends. He was glad that Buffy had started dating Richard. He liked the guy and had a lot in common with.   
  
He looked bored at drunken babbly lady. It was strange that her babbling could be heard over the loud music. Too bad Xander wasn't paying attention. He was used to nodding his head and making understanding 'uh huh' in the right moments thanks to being surrounded by women all the time.   
  
Someone poked his shoulder. He turned around. His eyes slowly widened in surprise, taking in the poker.   
  
"Spike?" He jumped up, banged his knees against the table, and stood in front of Spike, wincing in pain trying to stand as up right as possible.   
  
Spike looked concerned. "You alright?"  
  
Xander nodded. "Yeah." Couldn't he be any clumsier? To think he was twenty-one by now and still acted like an awkward sixteen year old, no wonder Spike didn't want him. He could still hear the woman's chatter from behind him. Didn't she notice that he was facing another person as well as giving her his back? Drunken babbly lady must have been through a lot to continue her sorry life story and not take in his bumbling antics.  
  
He looked at Spike in front of him and couldn't help but say, "Hey."   
  
Spike nodded. "Hi."  
  
Xander glanced at Buffy and Richard dancing. He knew why Spike was here. He just hoped Spike wouldn't make a scene.  
  
Spike followed Xander's gaze. He frowned at the sight of Buffy and her lapdog boyfriend. "What are you staring at them for?" he asked quietly looking at how Buffy was doing a sexy dance with the new boyfriend. He thought he would be jealous, he was, but it didn't feel like that time in Buffy's birthday party. Strangely, talking with Xander felt more important to him right now.   
  
"What?!" Xander yelled, covering his ears trying to pick up Spike's words.  
  
"I said why are you staring at them?!" Spike yelled back pointing at Buffy and Richard.   
  
"Oh!" Xander said. "I think it's better if you left them alone," he pleaded loudly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said…"  
  
"I heard you." Spike rolled his eyes. The music might have been loud but his vampire hearing allowed him to hear Xander clearly. He tried a different approach. "What do you mean?"  
  
"You know," Xander inclined towards the dancing couple. "Buffy and Richard."  
  
"Huh?" Spike blinked. He wasn't catching on yet. "What are you talking 'bout? You haven't been drinkin' with Yappin' Chit, have you? I thought you don't drink, anymore." Spike looked at the still yapping chit.  
  
Xander ignored the way his heart jumped when Spike made the comment about him not drinking. Spike noticed. He glanced back at the young woman then looked at Spike. "Oh, you mean Drunk Babbly Lady?"   
  
Spike raised an eyebrow, but said nothing about the nickname. He was more interested in the other subject. "Why would I care 'bout the slayer and her new Sunny boy-toy?"  
  
Xander's grin faded. "Hello! You're in love with her!" he exclaimed bitterly. Saying it hurt more than thinking it. He couldn't help the rise of his tone. He suddenly found his feet more interesting to look at than Spike.  
  
Spike looked at him for a minute feeling uncomfortable. "Yeah," he spoke tightly. "Well, I… got over it. Moved on."  
  
Xander looked surprised and not a little hopeful. "Seriously?" Spike got over Buffy? But, that was impossible. Wasn't it?  
  
"It's not that easy. I still love her but…" Spike shrugged looking at a very happy Buffy dancing with a very normal bloke who could offer her the future she deserved. Spike knew he had to be selfless. Had to let her live the, with a bit of luck, perfect future with a normal, just what the doctor ordered, man. It was hard on a soulless vampire though, being selfless needed more effort from Spike than a normal person did.   
  
Part of him still wanted to have her, wanted her only for himself. That part didn't care that it would have made her miserable. It just wanted her. Not all that shit about Buffy being a creature of the dark was true. Spike only wanted her to be with him. He didn't care if it hurt her or not. Knowing she was of the dark would make her want to stay with him. He drove her away from her friends, away from happiness, away from sanity because of his selfish want. Nevertheless, Spike had to be strong. He had to control the demon in him. If he really loved Buffy, he had to let her go and live her life happily because she earned it.   
  
 _Bollocks, I'm turning into a bloody white hat._  He screamed into his mind as he just realized this fact.  
  
"Oh," he heard Xander's whisper. Spike turned to look at him. Xander's features told that he understood that Spike finally figured that Buffy would never love him.   
  
As Spike's eyes met his, Xander looked down and shuffled on his feet. An uncomfortable silence ensued between them as the both struggled for something to say. The only sound that was there were Drunk Babbly Lady's continued prattle and the loud music.   
  
 _Guess it's not all that silent after all,_  Xander thought sarcastically.  
  
"We need to talk," Spike said quietly.   
  
Xander's eyes hardened as he looked at his feet. "I thought we already did that."  
  
Spike flinched. Xander noticed. Xander didn't mean to sound cruel but he didn't want to be yelled at again. He was done with the guilt trip, well in public at least, and he had apologized time and time again and that was enough. That was the mantra that Xander was running through his head.   
  
"About that…" Spike began.  
  
"Yeah?" Xander encouraged when Spike didn't continue.  
  
Spike sighed, remembering his talk with Buffy. He rubbed his head. "Sorry, mate, shouldn't have snapped at you…"  
  
Xander's face shot up, looking stunned. "No need for apologies, Spike. I deserved it…"  
  
"Mate, mate, please …" Spike held his hands up to stop Xander from further talking. When he didn't, "Shut up," Spike said, annoyed.  
  
"Shutting up now," Xander said quickly. He made a zipping motion with his fingers.  
  
At that point, the loud song ended. A new rhythm could be heard. This song was quieter. Spike stared at Xander's face as if seeing it for the first time. It was different when his mouth wasn't running a mile a minute. He titled his head and looked at every angle in the dark-haired round face.   
  
Xander felt uncomfortable with the scrutiny and looked down. He knew Spike didn't like the way he looked, even though he lost some weight thanks to Willow, but still. Xander didn't think he looked like a man, he thought he looked like a kid... with a body of a man. He had actually started to look more often at the mirror to note the ugliness that was he. Xander had never cared about his looks before. He blamed Spike for this new girlie habit… also the fact that he had lived inside a girl's body for a month didn't help much in that area.  
  
Xander, Buffy and Willow had all noted the changes that happened to them after the switch. Buffy discovered that she liked school and with a little help from Giles and Willow, she would be back next semester. She and Willow had also started working part-time jobs at the Magic Box with Giles to earn more money. Willow was feeling more manly, her words, she was the more assertive in her relationship with Tara, and being inside a male body for a month added more influence to that. Tara didn't seem to mind.  
  
Looking at a very uncomfortable Xander, Spike was giving a serious look over to person who claimed to be in love with him. Xander didn't look bad, like Spike used to think before. Truth be told, Spike had never paid attention to Xander's looks before, never noticed how Xander looked, never thought it mattered. Looking at him now, though, Spike noticed the long eyelashes that were shielding Xander's downcast eyes from his vision. He noticed Xander's unique upper lip that was slightly sticking up. He took in the chubby healthy full cheeks that winked when Xander smiled and reddened when he flushed. Overall, Xander had that boyish charm going for him, which was quite new for Spike's usual taste.   
  
 _I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do_  
  
Spike didn't know if it was right to start things with Xander. As he thought before with Buffy, there would be no future, no children, and no normality. He was being a selfish bastard towards Buffy, should he be selfish to Xander? Spike knew he wanted Xander, but being soulless was a big issue, what if he couldn't control himself one day? He had hurt Buffy before.  
  
 _But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you_  
  
The difference between Xander and Buffy was that Buffy didn't love him back. Xander did. Xander had come to his crypt to apologize. Xander had stood there in front of him taking the insults and disgust. Xander had let himself to be thrown out while saying nothing in anger, all this because he loved Spike. When was the last time Xander took shit from him? If Xander knew how to control his rage for Spike to let his anger out, Spike could learn how to control his demon. Xander had chosen him while no one ever did before.   
  
 _And so I have to say before I go_  
  
Why was Spike even thinking about Buffy? He should stop going after the ones who didn't care about him. He should have more dignity. What he should be was a better person for this one in front of him. Why lust after Buffy when he had someone like this wonderful man to give him more? This man who was hurting because Spike was being an arse, this man who taught Spike how to love himself, how to not doubt himself, how to respect himself and how to feel loved in the month Spike thought he was someone else.  
  
 _That I just want you to know_  
  
Without thinking, Spike grabbed Xander's head and attacked his lips with a bruising kiss.  
  
 _I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be   
A reason to start over new   
And the reason is you_  
  
Xander was taken by surprise. He had never thought his lips would meet Spike's ever again, never thought he would feel his tongue exploring Xander's mouth as he devoured him. Xander believed that Spike was never going to give him another chance, if not for the fact that he was 'Xander Harris'; it would have been for the way he had used Spike.  
  
 _I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with everyday_  
  
Xander had spent the last month considering how his situation with Spike would have been different if he hadn't slept with him. How it would have been different if Xander told him from the start that he wasn't Buffy. He figured that Spike wouldn't have spent time with him, he wouldn't have even been nice to him, but at least Xander wouldn't have the chance to hurt Spike.  
  
 _And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away_  
  
He had put himself in Spike's place and it hurt to think that the only person that Spike ever trusted was another person who used that trust. That he was lied to. That he was nothing but a sex toy. That it would always be this way for him. Xander knew of Spike's past, not from Spike himself for he knew it was a difficult subject for him to talk about, but from the poetry box that he had found and sneaked a peek in. Xander wished he could go back in time and change it all, make the right decision, be the selfless one, even if it meant not getting Spike, at least he would have something important, he would be getting Spike's self-respect back. Or what little he had for him then.   
  
 _That's why I need you to hear_  
  
On the other hand, now, no, Xander didn't want to go back. He didn't want to change a single thing. He just wanted a second chance to prove that he could be a better person. One worth the trust. To give the one he was kissing his self-respect back because Spike deserved to be respected. Not to mention loved. He was a vampire, without a soul, yet he was trying to be a better person for the one he had loved even though it was hopeless. He tried to be there for Buffy and he succeeded, yet Buffy didn't seem to notice or if she did it didn't change much on the feeling front. Xander was never that strong. He gave up Anya because he thought he could never be a better person, he never chanced it, never tried to change for her like Spike did for Buffy. Now, though, Xander wasn't the same. He learned how to take chances from Spike and he was going to try to do it right this time for once.  
  
 _I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be   
A reason to start over new   
And the reason is you_  
  
Xander pulled back, breathing hard. He looked from Spike's lips to his eyes in astonishment.   
  
Spike looked at Xander's swollen parted lips, his head tilted to the side in thoughtful expression. This was different than the kiss they had in his crypt a month ago. That kiss had been out of anger. It was Spike wanting to prove something, something that hadn't worked as well as he had hoped at that time. This one was better in the sense that the only thing Spike wanted to prove was that it was right.   
  
 _And the reason is you_  
  
He smiled softly and his eyes turned to Xander's, who was still breathing hard looking at him with hopeful eyes that were lightening up little by little as a result of Spike's smile.   
  
 _And the reason is you_  
  
"You taste wonderful," Spike stated softly, licking his lips.  
  
Xander blinked and a huge grin appeared on his face, replacing the dopey smile he had been wearing during the aftermath of the knee-melting kiss. It made him look like a little kid that had just been given the perfect Charismas present.   
  
Spike purred as they gravitated toward each other when they weren't locked in a kiss. Xander's cheeks reddened slightly and Spike smiled at the blood that was rushing to the surface.  
  
His Buffy.   
  
A mere second later he found his lips covering Xander's again, however somewhat more moderately this time. A couple of moans could be heard over the soft music.   
  
"Hey, hey!" an annoying voice and a bothersome poking were disturbing Xander from enjoying his second kiss of the night.  
  
 _Can't a poor guy get a freakin' break?!_  Xander thought.  
  
The poking was getting harder and Xander knew it was his new friend 'Drunk-Babbly-Lady'.  
  
 _Had she just noticed that I wasn't listening to her? When things got good! Oh… oh… Spike is biting my tongue! Paying attention again!_  
  
Xander moaned harder with pleasure and ground his hips against Spike who was meeting his thrusts in time with the beat of the overly loud music surrounding them.   
  
The poking stopped.  
  
"Never mind, you two look much better than my boyfriend who cheated on me with my brother."  
  
Xander's eyes shot open. He broke the kiss turning back at 'Drunk-Babbly-Lady' with shock. "What?!"  
  
She waved her hands in a dismissive gesture to carry on. "Continue, continue," she said in a faltering voice yet very insistent.   
  
Spike grabbed Xander's head, turned it back his way, "As you wish," after that had been said, he resumed kissing Xander eagerly.  
  
Xander pulled away from Spike. "Whoa, whoa, not to be the party pooper 'cause I hate pooping in parties…"  
  
Spike grimaced.  
  
"…What is this?" Xander asked pointing back and forth between him and Spike, particularly the lips, seeing that the moment had been broken and reality and judgment were forcing their way back to the surface.  
  
Spike sighed. It was time for the hated real talking. "Well, I'm not saying that things would be perfect just because we had some kisses." He leered and Xander flushed.   
  
Spike looked at him seriously. "There are still some issues," he started.  
  
"With me?" Xander said knowingly and somewhat sadly as he looked down at his feet.  
  
"Not just with you, with myself as well." Spike looked at Xander, after he raised his head with his finger. He looked into his eyes until Xander nodded, understanding. Xander haven't forgotten about Spike's true nature or the problem he always had concerning vampires in general. Nevertheless, as he thought earlier, he was going to take the risk. It was worth it. Spike was worth the change. He was not running away again because it all might be hopeless, he would chance it. He would be brave for the one he loved. And he loved Spike.   
  
Spike released an unneeded breath that he didn't know he was holding as if he read Xander's determination and acceptance in his eyes and it relieved him. "Look, we will do the chit-talking later. Now I want more of this." He ginned. Hooking his finger through Xander's belt he pulled him towards him. He ran his tongue over the tempting flesh, closing his lips against Xander's and kissed him. Xander responded equally eager.  
  
"Finally!"  
  
Xander broke away, startled.   
  
Spike groaned and his head fell.  
  
They turned around as one to see Buffy standing with her arms on her hips smirking, next to her stood a grinning Willow and a blushing Tara. Richard was standing somewhat behind the women, smiling with his arms crossed over his chest.  
  
Xander felt mortified because his work buddy had caught him kissing another guy. It wasn't like he didn't feel anything about the girls catching them, but at least they knew. He wasn't ashamed but he didn't like to be caught off guard embarrassed by a friend, even after the lifetime of practice he had.  
  
Richard noticed his distress and produced a friendlier smile. "That's fine, man. I knew you're gay. Yu shaved your arms, dude!"  
  
Xander glared at Willow who looked elsewhere, whistling. Spike raised a brow at Xander looking at him up and down. "Really? That's interesting." He was about to pull up Xander's sleeve but Xander stepped away.   
  
"No! Anyways the hair is back, no thanks to a certain someone," he said shooting a look at a certain redhead.   
  
Tara hugged Willow and whispered in her ear, "It's okay, sweetie, you were only trying to help." Willow nodded, pouting.  
  
Spike wiggled his eyebrows and leaned in to whisper in Xander's ear, "You don't have anything else 'conveniently' shaved, do you?" Xander groaned out of humiliation or something all together, he wasn't completely sure.   
  
Richard looked with suspicion at Spike. "I never thought you'd be into guys. You were drooling over Buffy last time I saw you," he said not with a little jealous protectiveness.   
  
"Don't drool over anyone, Droopy Boy," Spike gritted out.   
  
"Yeah, right," Buffy muttered as she rolled her eyes.  
  
Spike turned to her, glowering. She just had a teasing smirk. "Took you that long to think about it, you just figured it out, huh?"  
  
Spike huffed.  
  
Xander looked between Spike and Buffy. It hit him. That was why Buffy went to Spike's crypt a month ago; she wanted Spike to stay for Xander. He had doubted her and Spike. Spike actually stayed for Xander not for Buffy, upon the advice of Buffy.   
  
"Oh," he whispered, feeling a little guilty.  
  
Spike turned to him. "What?" he asked doing that thing with his head that made Xander want to lick his neck. Xander forgot the question as the tempting silky white flesh hypnotized him.   
  
"Why did you two stop?!"  
  
They looked behind them at Drunken-Babbly-Lady who had a look of utmost annoyance on her face. "Kiss some more!" She waved his hands at the two men.   
  
Spike smirked, looking at Xander. "Since I'm a white hat now, think I should be helping the hopeless."  
  
With that, Spike lunged foreword and kissed him. One hand snaked around Xander's waist to hold him still, making sure this time they would do this until he was ready to stop, and the other one found a home in the mane of brown hair. It was thick and soft. Spike enjoyed running his hand roughly through it as well as using it as an anchor to keep Xander's head still as he plunged his tongue into the warm depth.   
  
Xander moaned when the cool tongue battled with his and all thought of an audience fled his mind.   
  
Buffy turned back to her friends and date, and shooed them back to the dance floor. "C'mon people, give those two some space… we'll have all time later when they're dating to gawk, move!" Richard took Buffy's arm and escorted her to the floor. Willow and Tara looked one last time at the two kissing men, then went to dance as well, feeling happy that their friend finally had someone.  
  
Memories of the feeling of Buffy's soft longer locks were floating in Spike's head. He never thought he would enjoy the feeling of Xander's short hair. When he fooled around with Angelus, his grand-sire had long hair that wasn't as soft as Xander's when he chanced the occasional touch in while Angelus was lost in the passion as he wasn’t allowed to touch it. He shuddered, and not in a good way, when he thought of his hands in Angel's porcupine like hair or what Angel would do to him of he touched the precious hair. Xander, on the other hand, had his preferred darker hair, soft and thick and with just enough length to it for Spike's fingers to wish a permanent residence.   
  
He smirked, as best as he could with his tongue in someone else's mouth, when he felt Xander nip on its end requesting his attention back, like Spike did for him earlier. Spike fervently complied.   
  
As they parted, a not so little while later, because the vampire felt his partner's need for air, Spike opened his eyes to have them be met with Xander's eyes, hazy with lust. His eyes held the same passion that Spike always assumed he would see in his own if he could see his reflection. He had never dreamed to see it reflected at him through a different pair of eyes. Moreover, with him being the reason. However, here Xander was a proof of that fact.  
  
Spike was still shocked at the turn of the events. He had never expected to be kissing Xander tonight. He never expected to like it this much and want more of it so soon. Spike fell deeper in love with  _Buffy_  once she started to treat him like a person. Nevertheless, it was not Buffy all that time it was someone else. Spike still loved that someone deeply, more than he ever felt possible but when he discovered it was Xander Harris, and the feelings of being used resurfaced, things changed.  
  
He had never liked Xander. He was actually disappointed when he found out it was Xander who loved him. He couldn't change the way he felt about Xander the moment he discovered the truth. He always thought that he wasn't in love with Xander, even though he was in love with the person who was inside Buffy's body that was in fact Xander. Things had been pretty much mixed up for him.  
  
Now he wanted to try things with Xander. Give this new thing a chance. He wanted to give Xander a chance, even though the thought of falling in love with Xander Harris still seemed a little strange.  
  
Looking at the still panting Xander, Spike smiled. "This kissing bit is still a little odd for me," he admitted. "Not bad just a little odd." He ran a finger over the kiss puffed lips thoughtfully.   
  
Xander stopped panting after a while. "Not for me," he said. "I had a month to get used to it," he said referring to the month he was inside of Buffy's body. Suddenly, he looked guilty. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned…"  
  
"Not over it yet," Spike admitted, cutting Xander off, "But who knows. Guess I'm willing to give us a try."  
  
Xander smiled. "Us?"  
  
"Doesn't sound stupid this time."  
  
"I suppose it doesn't."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I'll give  _us_  a try, too."  
  
They smiled and leaned in unison for another kiss.  
  
  
  
 **THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is co-written with Lusciousspike.


End file.
